I finally managed to get some sleep and I didn't resort to sleep medication either. By 10pm last night I could hardly keep my eyes open so I went to bed, laid my head on the pillow and was asleep almost immediately. I woke at just before 7am, made myself some breakfast and went back to bed again and slept some more. I now don't feel so exhausted but I still feel low.
I have been trying to write the next instalment of Tackling the Mental Health Minefield this afternoon. I started to write it 11 days ago and it is still only half finished. I know what I want to say, but I can't find the words. At work I was renowned for my writing ability. I could write clearly, concisely and articulately. Now it is as much as I can do to string two sentences together. I have lost the ability to concentrate; to focus on the thing that needs to be done.
Although I am still trying to complete that post, I felt the need to write something for the blog. It lets people know that I am still alive. I know that you don't know me personally, but the fact that you read what I write and bother to comment shows that you care. That means a lot to me.
I shall try to write some more of the other post this evening. Maybe I will finish it and publish it tonight, but I think that it is more likely that it will be tomorrow. In the meantime you'll just have to make do with this meagre morsel.
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
A Brief Update
After a few nights of not sleeping particularly well and a certain amount of anxiety over my psychotherapy session and the forthcoming job interview, I took my sleep medication last night and I slept. Admittedly it was nearly 2am before I dropped off but it was definitely the medication causing the sleep because I just could not keep my eyes open a moment longer and I literally fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
I woke up at about 10.30 to answer a call of nature and then climbed back into bed and instantly fell asleep again until nearly 3pm. this means that I have pretty much lost my day, but I do feel completely rested and while it means that I probably won't get any work done on preparing my presentation for the interview today, I will feel better tomorrow and can get to work nice and early and hopefully complete it then.
I went to see my GP yesterday afternoon and I had a lot to tell him. We talked about my being in the mental health loop now after my stay in hospital and how I seem to be getting the help that I need. Then we talked about how the news about Mr Smiley had affected me. My blog was the next subject of conversation. I told him about the Mental Nurse TWIM Award and how my readership has increased dramatically since starting to write the Tackling the Mental Health Minefield posts. Then we talked about the job interview and he wished me luck. Eventually we actually got to the reason that I had gone to see him. Over the last few weeks I have been getting occasional pains in my right leg. They can occur at any time, are excruciatingly painful and last for just a second. The pain is very sharp and feels as though it is in the bone rather than being muscular. "Shin splints" he said and had a look at my leg and the place where I was feeling the pain. So with a weight off my mind knowing it wasn't anything too serious I said that I needed a prescription for most of my medication. We went through the long list of things that I take on a regular basis and apart from GTN spray and the cream for my eczema I needed everything. The prescription printed out and signed and then I was on my way to the chemist to get the prescription filled and walked home with a carrier bag full of pills.
I think that it was the first time that I have been to see my GP for many months and not cried at some point through the appointment. I see this as a good thing because it is a real indicator of how my mood is improving. Now I have to hope that my confidence will start returning so that I can do well at my interview next week. And while we are on the subject of the interview, I would like to thank all of you who have sent me good luck wishes. I really appreciate the fact that you have taken time out of your day to read my blog and send me a comment.
I woke up at about 10.30 to answer a call of nature and then climbed back into bed and instantly fell asleep again until nearly 3pm. this means that I have pretty much lost my day, but I do feel completely rested and while it means that I probably won't get any work done on preparing my presentation for the interview today, I will feel better tomorrow and can get to work nice and early and hopefully complete it then.
I went to see my GP yesterday afternoon and I had a lot to tell him. We talked about my being in the mental health loop now after my stay in hospital and how I seem to be getting the help that I need. Then we talked about how the news about Mr Smiley had affected me. My blog was the next subject of conversation. I told him about the Mental Nurse TWIM Award and how my readership has increased dramatically since starting to write the Tackling the Mental Health Minefield posts. Then we talked about the job interview and he wished me luck. Eventually we actually got to the reason that I had gone to see him. Over the last few weeks I have been getting occasional pains in my right leg. They can occur at any time, are excruciatingly painful and last for just a second. The pain is very sharp and feels as though it is in the bone rather than being muscular. "Shin splints" he said and had a look at my leg and the place where I was feeling the pain. So with a weight off my mind knowing it wasn't anything too serious I said that I needed a prescription for most of my medication. We went through the long list of things that I take on a regular basis and apart from GTN spray and the cream for my eczema I needed everything. The prescription printed out and signed and then I was on my way to the chemist to get the prescription filled and walked home with a carrier bag full of pills.
I think that it was the first time that I have been to see my GP for many months and not cried at some point through the appointment. I see this as a good thing because it is a real indicator of how my mood is improving. Now I have to hope that my confidence will start returning so that I can do well at my interview next week. And while we are on the subject of the interview, I would like to thank all of you who have sent me good luck wishes. I really appreciate the fact that you have taken time out of your day to read my blog and send me a comment.
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
Procrastonation Rules
Despite having taken my night-time medication, including something to help me sleep, at about 10pm yesterday evening, it was well past 2am before I got to sleep. I woke at about 7am to answer a call of nature, then climbed back into my nice warm bed and instantly fell asleep again. Sleep is always the first thing that suffers when I am depressed but I am reluctant to use the sleep medication too often because of all the other medication that I have take.
Having had extra sleep I feel a little better than I have done for a few days. But by the time I had roused myself and got dressed it was past midday, and it was snowing, so the parcels have not been picked up. However, another day in the sorting office won't hurt.
I should be doing some studying and getting myself in the frame of mind to try to write a 1500-word story for my final assignment of the course that I am working on. I still have 10 days in which to do the work but I would like to get it completed early if at all possible. Fifteen hundred words is not a lot really. Many of my posts on this blog are at least that length, but for them I can write whatever I feel like saying at the time. Having to write a piece of fiction, including at least one of a number of items, is a little more difficult.
Procrastination has set in and I really can't be bothered to pick up the folder that contains the course material and sit down to read the sections that I have not yet looked at. Perhaps I will feel a little more like doing that later this afternoon or this evening, and I am not yet working myself up into a frenzy about it.
I feel that it is more important that I am comfortable with sitting down to several hours reading than forcing myself to do something that I am just not in the mood to do. So, while I may be procrastinating I am also thinking about my wellbeing and trying to ensure that I do nothing to make me feel lower than I do already. I have other things that I can do to occupy myself. I need to write a letter to Mr Smiley, and I have my knitting too.
I am sure that I can leave the studying until tomorrow, for as Scarlett O'Hara says, "Tomorrow is another day."
Having had extra sleep I feel a little better than I have done for a few days. But by the time I had roused myself and got dressed it was past midday, and it was snowing, so the parcels have not been picked up. However, another day in the sorting office won't hurt.
I should be doing some studying and getting myself in the frame of mind to try to write a 1500-word story for my final assignment of the course that I am working on. I still have 10 days in which to do the work but I would like to get it completed early if at all possible. Fifteen hundred words is not a lot really. Many of my posts on this blog are at least that length, but for them I can write whatever I feel like saying at the time. Having to write a piece of fiction, including at least one of a number of items, is a little more difficult.
Procrastination has set in and I really can't be bothered to pick up the folder that contains the course material and sit down to read the sections that I have not yet looked at. Perhaps I will feel a little more like doing that later this afternoon or this evening, and I am not yet working myself up into a frenzy about it.
I feel that it is more important that I am comfortable with sitting down to several hours reading than forcing myself to do something that I am just not in the mood to do. So, while I may be procrastinating I am also thinking about my wellbeing and trying to ensure that I do nothing to make me feel lower than I do already. I have other things that I can do to occupy myself. I need to write a letter to Mr Smiley, and I have my knitting too.
I am sure that I can leave the studying until tomorrow, for as Scarlett O'Hara says, "Tomorrow is another day."
Sunday, 3 January 2010
A Low Sunday
I can't say that I am feeling brilliant at the moment, in fact I am close to crying much of the time. But for some reason I have just picked up some knitting and I am seriously considering doing a row or two before I go to bed tonight. It will only be a row or two because it is one of my lace shawls that I have decided to have a go at. I haven't done anything to it since before I went into hospital so it is going to seem strange working on it again.
I eventually got to sleep at about 3 o'clock this morning and woke at about 8.30. It wasn't long before I was asleep again and remained so until 1.30pm. This means that I am not feeling tired at the moment and because I have to get up early tomorrow I don't want to rely on tablets for sleep tonight in case I oversleep in the morning.
Tomorrow morning sees me going to see the HTT so that I can report on how I have managed over the Christmas and New Year period. I don't think that I can say any more than that I survived. I ate every day, but spent many days wishing that my life was over. This is not a good state of mind to be in and I have to hope that it will pass.
I eventually got to sleep at about 3 o'clock this morning and woke at about 8.30. It wasn't long before I was asleep again and remained so until 1.30pm. This means that I am not feeling tired at the moment and because I have to get up early tomorrow I don't want to rely on tablets for sleep tonight in case I oversleep in the morning.
Tomorrow morning sees me going to see the HTT so that I can report on how I have managed over the Christmas and New Year period. I don't think that I can say any more than that I survived. I ate every day, but spent many days wishing that my life was over. This is not a good state of mind to be in and I have to hope that it will pass.
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
Strange Day
Today has been a bit of a strange day. I had thought that I would be feeling much better today after having been given the all clear after my hospital appointment yesterday, but it wasn't to be.
It was way past midnight when I got to sleep and I was awake again by about 5am. Then I dozed a little, but not for very long. I was lying in bed reading at 7am and wondering if it was ever going to get light enough for me not to need a light on when I decided that I would switch the light off, have a few more minutes dozing and then get up. When I woke up again more than five hours later, the morning had passed me by and it still wasn't much lighter than it had been at 7am.
I've managed to make myself a sandwich so that I have had something to eat, and I have managed a few rows of my knitting, but otherwise I don't seem to have the energy or the enthusiasm for anything much. Tonight I am going to try to have an early night, and hopefully I will sleep the night through (aided by some medication) and wake up tomorrow feeling a little less depressed.
It was way past midnight when I got to sleep and I was awake again by about 5am. Then I dozed a little, but not for very long. I was lying in bed reading at 7am and wondering if it was ever going to get light enough for me not to need a light on when I decided that I would switch the light off, have a few more minutes dozing and then get up. When I woke up again more than five hours later, the morning had passed me by and it still wasn't much lighter than it had been at 7am.
I've managed to make myself a sandwich so that I have had something to eat, and I have managed a few rows of my knitting, but otherwise I don't seem to have the energy or the enthusiasm for anything much. Tonight I am going to try to have an early night, and hopefully I will sleep the night through (aided by some medication) and wake up tomorrow feeling a little less depressed.
Monday, 7 September 2009
One Of Those Days
Sometimes, you just have one of those days when you really wish you hadn't woken up. I had trouble getting to sleep last night (probably a combination of the amount of sleep that I had enjoyed over the preceding couple of days and because my mind was so active with all sorts of horrible thoughts and memories whizzing round inside it) so it was about 2am before I finally dropped off.
I woke at 5.30am, managed to drop off back to sleep and then woke again at about 7.30. I felt awful. I needed more sleep, I could hardly keep my eyes open, my hip was causing me pain after I had obviously slept awkwardly, I had a headache, I had a stiff shoulder and all I wanted to do was cry.
What was I to do? I knew that if I went back to sleep I probably wouldn't be able to sleep tonight. But I really didn't want to get out of bed. It was comfortable, it was warm, and it was very grey outside and it looked as though rain was imminent.
Eventually I managed to force myself to get up, I got myself something to eat, I pottered around doing various things but not seeming to really achieve anything. I switched on the computer, checked my emails and then looked at my blog to see who on my blog roll had posted something this morning. And then I saw it. My lovely little cluster map widget had lost all its red dots. I knew that the map had been archived yesterday and that would mean a fresh map today, but after having managed to notch up dots in 65 different countries around the world during the last year, it was sad to see the map disappear and a new one appear with just a few dots covering the UK and the USA. But hopefully tomorrow the dots will have spread a little further around the world because there has been a visitor from Estonia today and another from Iran, as well as the usual visitors from the UK and USA. And who might visit overnight?
Having got over the loss of my red dots, I decided to do some knitting late this afternoon. I continued working on the circular shawl and I now have just seven and a half rows left to do before starting to work on the border. I don't suppose that I will finish those rows tonight as there are 738 stitches to the row and it takes a fair while to make one circuit around the shawl, but I am sure that the rows will be finished tomorrow evening and I will be able to start work on the border.
I'm not feeling quite so desperate now as I was earlier today (perhaps it is because I am going to have lunch with Mr Smiley tomorrow), but I still feel as though I shouldn't have bothered about today. But to be honest there have been quite a few days like that recently and I wish that there weren't.
For me, dealing with depression is about coping with the here and now. If I can get through each day, then I feel as though I have achieved something. I find it best not to think too far ahead because something is bound to crop up and spoil my plans (I only have to look at last week to see that happen), and by managing to live through one day at a time, I don't put too much pressure on myself to do things that will only result in me feeling worse than I already do when I can't cope with them.
I've decided that I am going to try to do a little reading before lying down to sleep tonight. If I am lucky, I will actually drop off to sleep while I am still reading. This happens quite often and I have actually learnt to take my glasses off in my sleep now. And if I get a decent night's sleep, then perhaps tomorrow won't be 'one of those days'.
I woke at 5.30am, managed to drop off back to sleep and then woke again at about 7.30. I felt awful. I needed more sleep, I could hardly keep my eyes open, my hip was causing me pain after I had obviously slept awkwardly, I had a headache, I had a stiff shoulder and all I wanted to do was cry.
What was I to do? I knew that if I went back to sleep I probably wouldn't be able to sleep tonight. But I really didn't want to get out of bed. It was comfortable, it was warm, and it was very grey outside and it looked as though rain was imminent.
Eventually I managed to force myself to get up, I got myself something to eat, I pottered around doing various things but not seeming to really achieve anything. I switched on the computer, checked my emails and then looked at my blog to see who on my blog roll had posted something this morning. And then I saw it. My lovely little cluster map widget had lost all its red dots. I knew that the map had been archived yesterday and that would mean a fresh map today, but after having managed to notch up dots in 65 different countries around the world during the last year, it was sad to see the map disappear and a new one appear with just a few dots covering the UK and the USA. But hopefully tomorrow the dots will have spread a little further around the world because there has been a visitor from Estonia today and another from Iran, as well as the usual visitors from the UK and USA. And who might visit overnight?
Having got over the loss of my red dots, I decided to do some knitting late this afternoon. I continued working on the circular shawl and I now have just seven and a half rows left to do before starting to work on the border. I don't suppose that I will finish those rows tonight as there are 738 stitches to the row and it takes a fair while to make one circuit around the shawl, but I am sure that the rows will be finished tomorrow evening and I will be able to start work on the border.
I'm not feeling quite so desperate now as I was earlier today (perhaps it is because I am going to have lunch with Mr Smiley tomorrow), but I still feel as though I shouldn't have bothered about today. But to be honest there have been quite a few days like that recently and I wish that there weren't.
For me, dealing with depression is about coping with the here and now. If I can get through each day, then I feel as though I have achieved something. I find it best not to think too far ahead because something is bound to crop up and spoil my plans (I only have to look at last week to see that happen), and by managing to live through one day at a time, I don't put too much pressure on myself to do things that will only result in me feeling worse than I already do when I can't cope with them.
I've decided that I am going to try to do a little reading before lying down to sleep tonight. If I am lucky, I will actually drop off to sleep while I am still reading. This happens quite often and I have actually learnt to take my glasses off in my sleep now. And if I get a decent night's sleep, then perhaps tomorrow won't be 'one of those days'.
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Diary Of A (Mostly) Bad Week
Monday
A Bank Holiday and all that means. Feeling depressed and unable to concentrate on anything for very long. Feeling sorry for myself because another year has gone by and I am getting older and the aches and pains take longer to go away.
Tuesday
My birthday and things start to go wrong almost immediately. Mr Smiley has to cancel our lunch date, the postman doesn't bring me any birthday cards, and then There and Back lets me know that she isn't very well so won't be able to travel up to London for our day out together on Wednesday. All I can do is cry; this wasn't how I wanted my birthday to be.
Wednesday
There and Back may not be able to join me but I still go to the theatre. I walk to the bus stop, a bus arrives within a few minutes and almost immediately after boarding the bus it starts to pour with rain. I arrive at Cambridge Circus and miraculously the rain stops just as I get off the bus. I cross the road to have some lunch (it rains while I am in the restaurant) and then I head for the theatre. It's only a few minutes walk and still more about 45 minutes before the show is due to begin but there is already a queue starting to form outside the theatre.
I join the queue and after a few minutes it starts to move as the doors open and we are admitted. I quickly find my seat, get myself comfortable and look forward to watching my favourite (and the nation's) favourite musical. This is the first time that I have seen it performed at this theatre (Queen's); previously I had seen it several times at the Palace Theatre, and one thing that I notice early on is that the set is different from that which I was used to.
It didn't take me long to fall under its spell and the three hours of the show went by in a flash. As usual the performances were wonderful and the cast received a well-deserved standing ovation. Once the show was over, I put my coat on, gathered up the rest of my belongings and headed out into the street to make my way to the bus stop. I was again lucky with a bus arriving within a few minutes of me arriving at the bus stop and like my journey to the theatre, it was not long before it started to rain. When it was time for me to get off the bus the rain had stopped again and I walked the short distance home. Ten minutes later it started to rain again and continued for the next four hours.
How on earth had I managed to stay dry all day?
Thursday
Up early as I had to travel into London again, this time to attend a workshop about patients having online access to their pathology data. The workshop had been organised by the Department of Health and most of the attendees were pathologists, although there were a couple of GPs, a number of other doctors, at least one chief executive of a foundation trust and a number of senior people from the Department of Health. I was the only patient present, and while the idea of the workshop was to discuss the possibility of patients having access to their pathology data, my presentation was to show that some of us already have that capability.
Unlike all the other presentations which comprised numerous PowerPoint slides, my presentation used the internet and my medical record to show what can already be done by some patients in this country. The presentation went down well and during lunch I was asked many questions about the system that I was demonstrating and the benefits that I felt it gave me.
I met lots of lovely people at the workshop. I find that doctors are generally a lovely group of people to give presentations to and this group was no different. I met several professors who were very interested in what is already available in General Practice, and the President of one of the Royal Colleges has asked if I would give a presentation to the Royal College in the New Year.
I find this work, although I don't get paid for it, very worthwhile and even though I am a bundle of nerves before each presentation, I find that once I start talking the nerves disappear.
Thursday turned out to be a pretty good day.
Friday
I was very tired when I got home on Thursday and it did not take me long to get to sleep and once asleep that was how I wanted to stay. I slept most of Friday morning, had a nap in the afternoon and still managed to go to bed and fall asleep at a relatively early hour. I didn't achieve anything because I just didn't have the energy for it, but catching up with some sleep did make me feel a little better.
Saturday
Another day pretty much lost to sleep. I did manage to go out and do some food shopping and the walk did me some good. The afternoon and evening was spent half listening to the far off public address system at the Guides' rally at Crystal Palace and when the fireworks started I watched those that rose into the sky from my bedroom window. Having had so much sleep over the last couple of days I had problems dropping off, but eventually I managed it and slept through the night without waking up at all, a fairly unusual event.
Sunday
I've not been looking forward to today; it is the anniversary of my husband's death. Lots of tears at frequent intervals but I have managed to do a few chores and to do some knitting. My circular shawl is growing and I have only about another 30 rows to do before I start work on the border; work on it will certainly slow down then as I try to manipulate the border on two needles and join that to the shawl which is on another needle.
The 'Print O' The Wave' stitch panels are growing and the shape of the pattern is starting to become clear.
A Bank Holiday and all that means. Feeling depressed and unable to concentrate on anything for very long. Feeling sorry for myself because another year has gone by and I am getting older and the aches and pains take longer to go away.
Tuesday
My birthday and things start to go wrong almost immediately. Mr Smiley has to cancel our lunch date, the postman doesn't bring me any birthday cards, and then There and Back lets me know that she isn't very well so won't be able to travel up to London for our day out together on Wednesday. All I can do is cry; this wasn't how I wanted my birthday to be.
Wednesday
There and Back may not be able to join me but I still go to the theatre. I walk to the bus stop, a bus arrives within a few minutes and almost immediately after boarding the bus it starts to pour with rain. I arrive at Cambridge Circus and miraculously the rain stops just as I get off the bus. I cross the road to have some lunch (it rains while I am in the restaurant) and then I head for the theatre. It's only a few minutes walk and still more about 45 minutes before the show is due to begin but there is already a queue starting to form outside the theatre.
I join the queue and after a few minutes it starts to move as the doors open and we are admitted. I quickly find my seat, get myself comfortable and look forward to watching my favourite (and the nation's) favourite musical. This is the first time that I have seen it performed at this theatre (Queen's); previously I had seen it several times at the Palace Theatre, and one thing that I notice early on is that the set is different from that which I was used to.It didn't take me long to fall under its spell and the three hours of the show went by in a flash. As usual the performances were wonderful and the cast received a well-deserved standing ovation. Once the show was over, I put my coat on, gathered up the rest of my belongings and headed out into the street to make my way to the bus stop. I was again lucky with a bus arriving within a few minutes of me arriving at the bus stop and like my journey to the theatre, it was not long before it started to rain. When it was time for me to get off the bus the rain had stopped again and I walked the short distance home. Ten minutes later it started to rain again and continued for the next four hours.
How on earth had I managed to stay dry all day?
Thursday
Up early as I had to travel into London again, this time to attend a workshop about patients having online access to their pathology data. The workshop had been organised by the Department of Health and most of the attendees were pathologists, although there were a couple of GPs, a number of other doctors, at least one chief executive of a foundation trust and a number of senior people from the Department of Health. I was the only patient present, and while the idea of the workshop was to discuss the possibility of patients having access to their pathology data, my presentation was to show that some of us already have that capability.
Unlike all the other presentations which comprised numerous PowerPoint slides, my presentation used the internet and my medical record to show what can already be done by some patients in this country. The presentation went down well and during lunch I was asked many questions about the system that I was demonstrating and the benefits that I felt it gave me.
I met lots of lovely people at the workshop. I find that doctors are generally a lovely group of people to give presentations to and this group was no different. I met several professors who were very interested in what is already available in General Practice, and the President of one of the Royal Colleges has asked if I would give a presentation to the Royal College in the New Year.
I find this work, although I don't get paid for it, very worthwhile and even though I am a bundle of nerves before each presentation, I find that once I start talking the nerves disappear.
Thursday turned out to be a pretty good day.
Friday
I was very tired when I got home on Thursday and it did not take me long to get to sleep and once asleep that was how I wanted to stay. I slept most of Friday morning, had a nap in the afternoon and still managed to go to bed and fall asleep at a relatively early hour. I didn't achieve anything because I just didn't have the energy for it, but catching up with some sleep did make me feel a little better.
Saturday
Another day pretty much lost to sleep. I did manage to go out and do some food shopping and the walk did me some good. The afternoon and evening was spent half listening to the far off public address system at the Guides' rally at Crystal Palace and when the fireworks started I watched those that rose into the sky from my bedroom window. Having had so much sleep over the last couple of days I had problems dropping off, but eventually I managed it and slept through the night without waking up at all, a fairly unusual event.
Sunday
I've not been looking forward to today; it is the anniversary of my husband's death. Lots of tears at frequent intervals but I have managed to do a few chores and to do some knitting. My circular shawl is growing and I have only about another 30 rows to do before I start work on the border; work on it will certainly slow down then as I try to manipulate the border on two needles and join that to the shawl which is on another needle.
The 'Print O' The Wave' stitch panels are growing and the shape of the pattern is starting to become clear.-------------------
It's not been my best week ever, but I seem to have survived it and hopefully things will start to improve a little now.
Sunday, 23 August 2009
Another Night Of Sleep
I managed another mammoth sleep last night. Well, to be precise from the early hours of the morning until lunch time, but I feel a bit more human again after sleeping so well on consecutive nights.
I still feel depressed, but I know that eventually that will pass. So today I have dabbled in a little bit of knitting, a little bit of crocheting, and a lot of time spent trying to keep my eyes open so that I don't drop off to sleep again.
In about an hour's time I shall take myself off to bed and try to get to sleep naturally; that is without the aid of medication. It may happen, it may not, but I do know that even if I don't sleep the whole night through I won't be feeling as bad as I did on Friday morning.
I still feel depressed, but I know that eventually that will pass. So today I have dabbled in a little bit of knitting, a little bit of crocheting, and a lot of time spent trying to keep my eyes open so that I don't drop off to sleep again.
In about an hour's time I shall take myself off to bed and try to get to sleep naturally; that is without the aid of medication. It may happen, it may not, but I do know that even if I don't sleep the whole night through I won't be feeling as bad as I did on Friday morning.
Wednesday, 22 April 2009
The Benefits Of An Occasional Nap
One of the recurring themes in this blog is that I have problems sleeping. This is not that unusual for people who suffer with depression. For me the problem is normally that I can get to sleep at night but not stay that way for more than a couple of hours before I wake up and then can't get back to sleep again. After a few days I start to feel like a zombie and grumpiness is added to the feeling of being very low.
Sometimes the sleep problems manifest themselves in another way and I can't stop sleeping. I will sleep through the night and then keep sleeping through the day too. The problem with this sleep pattern is that nothing gets done; sometimes even eating is beyond me.
I have recently been cycling through these states which culminated in me not sleeping at all on Monday night. This meant that by about 9.30pm yesterday I could hardly keep my eyes open and I fell asleep almost immediately after my head hit the pillow. That would have been fine had I then managed to sleep through the night but I didn't I woke several times although I did manage to get back to sleep fairly quickly after waking. However, it did mean that while I had enjoyed the benefit of almost a full night's sleep, it wasn't necessarily good quality sleep, and this is what we need to enable us to function properly.
I have just woken from a nap. I didn't intend to have this nap, siesta, 40 winks, call it whatever you like, but it happened. After eating my lunch, I had this overwhelming urge to close my eyes so I lay on the bed and I was asleep in moments. I have woken again some three hours later and I feel refreshed, and my brain feels much clearer than it did after last night's sleep.
Lack of sleep was often a major problem for me when I was working and I developed the habit of switching the light off in my office (fortunately I had my own office) at lunch time sprawling out in my office chair with my feet on another chair and sleeping for half an hour or maybe a little longer. I found that I could manage the rest of the day so much better after this little nap and it allowed me to keep working for a number of years even when the depression was very bad. Had I not taken these occasional naps I would undoubtedly have had to give up working far earlier than I did.
So why do I now feel guilty about taking advantage of the opportunity of a little afternoon nap when it is obviously what I need at times, and my clarity of thought this afternoon is evidence of that?
Perhaps it is because we are British. Taking a siesta is a Continental thing; something that occurs in countries with a hot climate and is used as a means of getting through the hottest part of the day without exerting oneself.
I'm not sure what the answer is, but I can tell you that I feel significantly better for having slept for a few hours and I am going to continue doing this if it helps me to feel better. I hope that I will still be able to sleep tonight (I think that I will) but even if I have another night of broken sleep, it is good to feel more alive at the moment than I have done for a long time. And it has meant that I have managed a second post to the blog today; something that hasn't happened for a long time.
Sometimes the sleep problems manifest themselves in another way and I can't stop sleeping. I will sleep through the night and then keep sleeping through the day too. The problem with this sleep pattern is that nothing gets done; sometimes even eating is beyond me.
I have recently been cycling through these states which culminated in me not sleeping at all on Monday night. This meant that by about 9.30pm yesterday I could hardly keep my eyes open and I fell asleep almost immediately after my head hit the pillow. That would have been fine had I then managed to sleep through the night but I didn't I woke several times although I did manage to get back to sleep fairly quickly after waking. However, it did mean that while I had enjoyed the benefit of almost a full night's sleep, it wasn't necessarily good quality sleep, and this is what we need to enable us to function properly.
I have just woken from a nap. I didn't intend to have this nap, siesta, 40 winks, call it whatever you like, but it happened. After eating my lunch, I had this overwhelming urge to close my eyes so I lay on the bed and I was asleep in moments. I have woken again some three hours later and I feel refreshed, and my brain feels much clearer than it did after last night's sleep.
Lack of sleep was often a major problem for me when I was working and I developed the habit of switching the light off in my office (fortunately I had my own office) at lunch time sprawling out in my office chair with my feet on another chair and sleeping for half an hour or maybe a little longer. I found that I could manage the rest of the day so much better after this little nap and it allowed me to keep working for a number of years even when the depression was very bad. Had I not taken these occasional naps I would undoubtedly have had to give up working far earlier than I did.
So why do I now feel guilty about taking advantage of the opportunity of a little afternoon nap when it is obviously what I need at times, and my clarity of thought this afternoon is evidence of that?
Perhaps it is because we are British. Taking a siesta is a Continental thing; something that occurs in countries with a hot climate and is used as a means of getting through the hottest part of the day without exerting oneself.
I'm not sure what the answer is, but I can tell you that I feel significantly better for having slept for a few hours and I am going to continue doing this if it helps me to feel better. I hope that I will still be able to sleep tonight (I think that I will) but even if I have another night of broken sleep, it is good to feel more alive at the moment than I have done for a long time. And it has meant that I have managed a second post to the blog today; something that hasn't happened for a long time.
Thursday, 19 March 2009
A Night's Sleep
After a number of night's where I have not slept well, or not slept sufficiently because of getting involved in my knitting, I managed to get quite a few hours sleep last night (and this morning).
Yesterday I had to go into one of the shopping centres that my home is situated between (it's almost halfway between both of them and there is sufficient differences in the shops available to warrant the use of both for different purposes). I needed to post a package, and I needed to get something to put it in so going to the centre that has a large Post Office was necessary. This also happens to be the centre that has my nearest shop for knitting supplies and I wanted to have a look for some wool for my stash (knitters love having a stash that they can dip into when the need arrives).
After posting my parcel (a present and card for There and Back whose birthday it is tomorrow) I decided to walk to the large Sainsbury's that is further down the high street. When I say further down, I actually mean almost two miles further down, but it meant that I could buy the one or two things that I can't get in the smaller Sainsbury's in the other shopping centre. While there I decided to take advantage of its cafeteria and treated myself to lunch, a huge jacket potato with cheese and baked beans and a good helping of side salad all washed down with a glass of diet Pepsi. At least it was a healthy meal and like many of those with severe depression I am often guilty of not eating regularly or healthily.
Then I started on the long walk home, with a promise of calling into the wool shop on the way. While in there I found a lovely multicolour yarn that I though would be good for the stash with a view to it being used for a really colourful afghan. I had made a calculation of how much I would need for the afghan and decided to buy a couple of extra balls (just in case) but when we started to look for sufficient balls of the same dye lot, it was not possible. So I decided to settle for half of my requirement in one dye lot and half in another. This meant that hopefully any slight difference in the colours can be disguised by using the dye lots alternately. There was also one ball which had lost its label which meant that it couldn't be sold so the owner very kindly gave me that one for free. This means that with the extra balls that I bought for 'just in case' I may actually have enough to knit a short-sleeved jumper for myself for wearing at home in the summer. I call that a bargain.
So now I had to walk the last part of the way home, but this time somewhat laden with my shopping. Neither of the bags were heavy, but they were bulky and I was getting warm and feeling the effects of all my exercise. I made it home, kicked off my shoes from my now throbbing feet and sat down to take a rest. I had walked a lot further than I had done for a long time and the unaccustomed exercise had taken its toll. It didn't take too long for my legs to stiffen up and I ended up struggling around for the next couple of hours like a very old woman. And if you read this Mr Smiley, I don't want any smart comments.
Last night I went to bed at a reasonable hour, read until my eyes could hardly stay open, then fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. Apart from a couple of brief wakeful periods (one for a call of nature and one to get something to eat because my stomach was rumbling) I slept until 10am this morning. And I am feeling the benefit of that sleep.
I'm planning to go for another walk this afternoon, but nothing quite as demanding as yesterday, and hoping to sleep well again. I know that is not certain because Thursday nights usually end with little sleep as I get anxious about Friday's psychotherapy session. But I can hope, can't I?
Yesterday I had to go into one of the shopping centres that my home is situated between (it's almost halfway between both of them and there is sufficient differences in the shops available to warrant the use of both for different purposes). I needed to post a package, and I needed to get something to put it in so going to the centre that has a large Post Office was necessary. This also happens to be the centre that has my nearest shop for knitting supplies and I wanted to have a look for some wool for my stash (knitters love having a stash that they can dip into when the need arrives).
After posting my parcel (a present and card for There and Back whose birthday it is tomorrow) I decided to walk to the large Sainsbury's that is further down the high street. When I say further down, I actually mean almost two miles further down, but it meant that I could buy the one or two things that I can't get in the smaller Sainsbury's in the other shopping centre. While there I decided to take advantage of its cafeteria and treated myself to lunch, a huge jacket potato with cheese and baked beans and a good helping of side salad all washed down with a glass of diet Pepsi. At least it was a healthy meal and like many of those with severe depression I am often guilty of not eating regularly or healthily.
Then I started on the long walk home, with a promise of calling into the wool shop on the way. While in there I found a lovely multicolour yarn that I though would be good for the stash with a view to it being used for a really colourful afghan. I had made a calculation of how much I would need for the afghan and decided to buy a couple of extra balls (just in case) but when we started to look for sufficient balls of the same dye lot, it was not possible. So I decided to settle for half of my requirement in one dye lot and half in another. This meant that hopefully any slight difference in the colours can be disguised by using the dye lots alternately. There was also one ball which had lost its label which meant that it couldn't be sold so the owner very kindly gave me that one for free. This means that with the extra balls that I bought for 'just in case' I may actually have enough to knit a short-sleeved jumper for myself for wearing at home in the summer. I call that a bargain.
So now I had to walk the last part of the way home, but this time somewhat laden with my shopping. Neither of the bags were heavy, but they were bulky and I was getting warm and feeling the effects of all my exercise. I made it home, kicked off my shoes from my now throbbing feet and sat down to take a rest. I had walked a lot further than I had done for a long time and the unaccustomed exercise had taken its toll. It didn't take too long for my legs to stiffen up and I ended up struggling around for the next couple of hours like a very old woman. And if you read this Mr Smiley, I don't want any smart comments.
Last night I went to bed at a reasonable hour, read until my eyes could hardly stay open, then fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. Apart from a couple of brief wakeful periods (one for a call of nature and one to get something to eat because my stomach was rumbling) I slept until 10am this morning. And I am feeling the benefit of that sleep.
I'm planning to go for another walk this afternoon, but nothing quite as demanding as yesterday, and hoping to sleep well again. I know that is not certain because Thursday nights usually end with little sleep as I get anxious about Friday's psychotherapy session. But I can hope, can't I?
Thursday, 8 January 2009
I've Had A Pretty Good Day
Today has been the best day I've had for quite a long time. I got up this morning, knowing that I probably wasn't going to be doing any work on my TMAs, but I didn't care. I was going out to have lunch with Mr Smiley and I would be having my first real conversation of the year. I have been avoiding going out over the last week because it was so cold, so I have been on my own and I haven't quite got to the stage of having a conversation with myself, although sometimes I am tempted. I think that blogging helps, because writing posts, and commenting on other blogs is like having conversations. At least that is what I tell myself.
Anyway, I left the house and walked up the road to catch a bus. Unfortunately just before I got to the top of the road, a bus stopped and then set off again before I could get to the bus stop. Still, it wasn't too much of a problem because buses on the particular route that I wanted run about every 10 minutes, and it was nowhere near as cold today as it has been this week. So after sitting at the bus stop for about 10 minutes a bus arrived and I was on my way to Trafalgar Square. I arrived in plenty of time for my lunch date, but I had intended to because I wanted to have a look in Waterstone's. I had a Waterstone's gift card for Christmas and I was going to see if there was something that I really wanted. I gave up in the end because I couldn't make up my mind.
So, I took a walk to the pub where Mr Smiley and I were going to meet and found a table where I could wait for him. We had an excellent lunch and a good chat. Even though we communicate almost daily by email, it is so much better to be able to talk face to face. We had an excellent pasta dish served with garlic bread, and we were both naughty because we decided to have a pudding. Chocolate cake with ice cream for me, and sticky toffee pudding with ice cream for Mr Smiley. We finished off with a coffee, and more conversation. Then it was time for us to go our separate ways.
I didn't have to wait too long for my bus home, and after the usual slow journey to travel what is actually a relatively short distance in miles, I arrived home. I switched on the computer to check for emails and to see who had been blogging and found an email from Lily at The Student Doctor Diaries. After I had written the post about possibly doing some posts on 'How to Knit' she had got in touch with me and we had been corresponding about what would be the best thing for her to knit. Well, she has found a pattern, and she was going to buy some wool today after doing her exam, so I was going to give her some hints and tips, and see if there was anything in the pattern that she would find too difficult. So I dealt with that, and now I am having a restful evening before going to bed to read for a while before trying to get to sleep.
Tomorrow is psychotherapy day so I probably won't sleep too well tonight. It's not a conscious thing, I try not to think about it, but I seem to start getting anxious on a Thursday afternoon, and this means that I don't sleep properly on a Thursday night. Let's hope I don't have a problem tonight.
Anyway, I left the house and walked up the road to catch a bus. Unfortunately just before I got to the top of the road, a bus stopped and then set off again before I could get to the bus stop. Still, it wasn't too much of a problem because buses on the particular route that I wanted run about every 10 minutes, and it was nowhere near as cold today as it has been this week. So after sitting at the bus stop for about 10 minutes a bus arrived and I was on my way to Trafalgar Square. I arrived in plenty of time for my lunch date, but I had intended to because I wanted to have a look in Waterstone's. I had a Waterstone's gift card for Christmas and I was going to see if there was something that I really wanted. I gave up in the end because I couldn't make up my mind.
So, I took a walk to the pub where Mr Smiley and I were going to meet and found a table where I could wait for him. We had an excellent lunch and a good chat. Even though we communicate almost daily by email, it is so much better to be able to talk face to face. We had an excellent pasta dish served with garlic bread, and we were both naughty because we decided to have a pudding. Chocolate cake with ice cream for me, and sticky toffee pudding with ice cream for Mr Smiley. We finished off with a coffee, and more conversation. Then it was time for us to go our separate ways.
I didn't have to wait too long for my bus home, and after the usual slow journey to travel what is actually a relatively short distance in miles, I arrived home. I switched on the computer to check for emails and to see who had been blogging and found an email from Lily at The Student Doctor Diaries. After I had written the post about possibly doing some posts on 'How to Knit' she had got in touch with me and we had been corresponding about what would be the best thing for her to knit. Well, she has found a pattern, and she was going to buy some wool today after doing her exam, so I was going to give her some hints and tips, and see if there was anything in the pattern that she would find too difficult. So I dealt with that, and now I am having a restful evening before going to bed to read for a while before trying to get to sleep.
Tomorrow is psychotherapy day so I probably won't sleep too well tonight. It's not a conscious thing, I try not to think about it, but I seem to start getting anxious on a Thursday afternoon, and this means that I don't sleep properly on a Thursday night. Let's hope I don't have a problem tonight.
Monday, 22 December 2008
Sleep; If Only I Could Manage It At The Right Time
It's been a strange weekend where I seem to have spent much of the daytime asleep and much of the night-time awake. The problem with not sleeping properly at night is that I have a tendency to drop off to sleep exceedingly easily whenever I sit down somewhere comfortable during the day. And it's not just a catnap either; I am regularly sleeping for three or four hours at a time. I still manage to get to sleep when I go to bed at night, but I wake up after just a few hours and can't get back to sleep again.
I'm hoping that having a couple of weeks with no appointments will allow me to get back into a proper sleep routine. A routine where I sleep at night and not during the day.
With just a few days to go until the dreaded Christmas Day, I am feeling surprisingly calm. I am not too anxious about the coming days, I'm not too upset about the fact that I will be on my own, and neither am I too upset about the thought of having to spend some of my time writing essays.
And best of all, I don't have a terrible cold and chest infection like I did at this time last year which meant that I didn't have the strength to get out of my bed on Christmas Day.
Tuesday, 9 December 2008
One Of Those Days
Today has been one of those days where doing anything has been a terrific effort. I woke in the night, and then struggled to get back to sleep for a couple of hours. I did eventually manage to drop of again and then slept through until about 8am.
It was a struggle to drag myself out of bed, and having done so all I have wanted to do is get back into it again. So I have kept myself well wrapped up in a blanket and spent most of today on the settee. I've done a bit of reading, a bit of knitting, I've watched a couple of DVDs, and most of all I have slept whenever I felt the need.
I am still tired and I am sure that I will drop off to sleep quite easily when I go to bed tonight. But the problem is that it will probably be another night of broken sleep and I will wake up in the morning feeling as though I haven't had any at all.
The poor sleeping pattern that I have had to endure over the last ten years has been one of the worst things about having depression.
Sunday, 28 September 2008
Depression - A Life Of Vicious Circles
Just when I think things are settling down nicely, everything goes pear-shaped again. I had some trouble sleeping last weekend so I took one of the pills that help me to get off to sleep (not a sleeping tablet I hasten to say). As a result of taking that I slept almost continuously for 48 hours. Then I had a couple of quite good nights, not brilliant but good enough, so when I went for my psychotherapy session of Friday I was feeling ... okay.
The psychotherapy session went quite well I think, at least I managed to get through it without having used a box of tissues, and I spent Friday afternoon doing some studying. I felt pretty good, the sun was shining, and I thought that things might be on the up. Then I went to see my GP for a check on how I was doing. Having started medication for my blood pressure, he is keeping a close eye on me at the moment with fortnightly checks of that and my mood.
While I was with my GP, I raised the subject of my sleeping pattern. As I am concerned about going for days without sleep, then when I take medication ending up sleeping for days, I asked if I could have a lower strength of the tablets. GP said he was just going to suggest that, so the problem was going to be solved. By having tablets of a lower strength, I would be able to take one when sleeplessness was becoming a problem, and hopefully get to sleep, and stay asleep, for a normal period of time, and not end up wanting to sleep all the time as is the case at the present.
At this point we moved on to checking my blood pressure and discussions of any side-effects from the medication that I have for that. One of the problems when you have to take medication for a number of different problems is the way that the different drugs can interact and cause some pretty spectacular side-effects. I have been reasonably lucky and not had too much of a problem with things like that over the years, except as far as antidepressants are concerned, and there I have had some really nasty reactions.
Anyway the consultation progressed, I got a repeat prescription for all my regular medication, and left with a rejoinder to come again in two weeks time. Everything was fine. Well it was until I went to the chemist (it's just round the corner from the surgery) got my prescriptions filled, walked home and opened the bag of pills. I had all the regular medication okay, but the requested lower-dose medication wasn't there. Because we had moved on in the consultation, GP had forgotten to put it on the prescription. Never mind, thought I, you're feeling pretty good at the moment, it's not going to be a problem. Oh boy, was I wrong.
I couldn't get to sleep Friday night; I finally dropped off about 5am yesterday morning (if you check out my last post about being an OU student you will see what ridiculous time in the morning I was writing that). Okay, so it was Saturday, and I don't work so it wasn't really a problem. Yes, it was; I was awake again by 7.30am. And I couldn't get back to sleep. And I was soon feeling like death warmed up, without any strength to do anything except just sit there. So I made the best of it, pottered around doing little tasks, and planned to have an early night. Wrong again. I was still awake at 3am this morning, but I must have dozed off shortly after that. Then I woke up at 4.50am. So less than two hours sleep this time.
I have tried wrapping myself in the duvet and snuggling down to get a couple more hours, but it hasn't worked. I am hoping that writing this will mean that when I try again in about half an hour, I might succeed, but I am not overly confident of the result. I could take one of the tablets (higher strength) that I have at home, tonight, and then see if I can get a prescription for the lower strength ones tomorrow, but I am worried that if I do that I won't be able to drag myself out of bed in the morning. Or I could manage without taking anything tonight, hope that I can get some sleep and see how things look tomorrow.
Having depression can really lead you into a series of vicious circles. They are something like this. You start to feel very low; you stop being able to sleep at night; you are given medication;you can't stop sleeping all day and all night; you stop taking medication; you stop being able to sleep at night; it starts to make you feel very low again. That's one circle, the other can be even more difficult to cope with. You start to feel low; you stop eating properly; you are given medication which helps to raise your mood; you start to eat again; unfortunately the medication that is making you feel better is also causing you to put on weight; you cut down on what you are eating, but the weight keeps piling on; you get even more depressed; you stop eating; you still put on weight; you get to the stage where life just doesn't seem worth living; you get put on a different medication; you start to feel a bit better again, you start eating, but you have put on a lot of weight and you can't seem to shift it; you start feeling low again; you stop eating ... and so it goes on.
I seem to have been suffering from both of these vicious circles either one at a time, or more often, both together for most of the last 10 years. Every now and again I get a period when both seem to fade away, and I can live an almost normal life, but then some little thing starts it all off again, and I start the slip into blackness again. I've been suffering from both circles over the last couple of months, and I had hoped that I was coming out of it, but I think I may have been just a little bit premature. However, just recognizing what is going on can make it easier to cope with, and by setting myself small goals to achieve each day, I seem to manage to survive.
As long as I can get through each 24-hour period, I shall manage to survive.
Sunday, 31 August 2008
I Lost Saturday - But Why?
Friday evening was spent watching a bit of television and then spending an hour or so doing some proofreading for Project Gutenberg. I went to bed at a reasonable hour and after reading a few pages from my current bed-time book, I fell asleep quickly. I think that I slept pretty well, I certainly didn't wake up until about 7am, but as it was Saturday, a day that I treat as 'my day' so I can do whatever I want, I decided to stay in bed for a little longer. But before I got too carried away with doing my thing, I decided that I ought to take my morning medication, so I got the pills, knocked them back with a really good drink of water, and then tidied up the bed before climbing back in it again. If I fell asleep again, that was fine, but otherwise I thought that it would be nice to lie in bed reading my book before getting up to do some chores.
I'm not sure how long I read for, I don't think it was for very long, and I don't remember feeling myself dropping off. but I woke up again at about midday, looked around me, and promptly fell asleep again. I next woke at about 5.30pm, then at 9.15pm, at which time I managed to drag myself out of bed, make myself something to eat, and then eat it. So that was Saturday gone, but the problem was I wasn't sure why or how this had happened.
I have written before about how I have periods where I don't sleep properly and then quite suddenly my body just decides that it can take no more and I seem to spend a day sleeping to allow my body, and probably my brain, to recuperate. However, although I had not been sleeping well for some days, I didn't think that I was that bad yet and if I was to have one of these periods it probably would not come for at least another week. But I realized that there might be another explanation.
Now before you start to think, "She's lost her marbles", I'm going to head off at a bit of a tangent here, but I can assure you it is relevant, and you'll understand where I am coming from in the end. I am very good and always read the patient information leaflet included with prescription drugs (and usually over-the-counter medication too), paying particular attention to the section about possible side-effects. I know that most people never suffer from any of these undesirable effects, some may suffer from one of them, very rarely maybe more that one, but they do represent a 'get-out clause' for the drug manufacturers if you happen to be one of the unfortunates who do react to the drug. I wasn't always so conscientious in this matter, but I had some quite serious reactions to a couple of anti-depressants in the early days of my depression, when we were still trying to find the right drug for me, so since then I have made sure that I am aware of what may happen when I take a new medication.
On Friday my GP started me on medication for my high blood pressure and yesterday morning I took my first dose. The leaflet says quite clearly, in two separate places, that the tablets may make you feel sleepy, so is it possible that it was this tablet that caused me to spend so much of the day asleep? When I took the tablet yesterday, I took it on an empty stomach; this morning I have made sure that I have had something to eat before taking it. Now I have to see what happens as the morning progresses. I'll be honest and say that although I slept pretty much all day yesterday, I had absolutely no trouble sleeping last night. And I can't but help think that I could lie down again now and easily go off to the Land of Nod.
So I am going to have to take things easy today, see how I feel as the day and the week progresses, and if I can't stop sleeping perhaps pay my GP another visit just to check that things are alright.
I'm not sure how long I read for, I don't think it was for very long, and I don't remember feeling myself dropping off. but I woke up again at about midday, looked around me, and promptly fell asleep again. I next woke at about 5.30pm, then at 9.15pm, at which time I managed to drag myself out of bed, make myself something to eat, and then eat it. So that was Saturday gone, but the problem was I wasn't sure why or how this had happened.
I have written before about how I have periods where I don't sleep properly and then quite suddenly my body just decides that it can take no more and I seem to spend a day sleeping to allow my body, and probably my brain, to recuperate. However, although I had not been sleeping well for some days, I didn't think that I was that bad yet and if I was to have one of these periods it probably would not come for at least another week. But I realized that there might be another explanation.
Now before you start to think, "She's lost her marbles", I'm going to head off at a bit of a tangent here, but I can assure you it is relevant, and you'll understand where I am coming from in the end. I am very good and always read the patient information leaflet included with prescription drugs (and usually over-the-counter medication too), paying particular attention to the section about possible side-effects. I know that most people never suffer from any of these undesirable effects, some may suffer from one of them, very rarely maybe more that one, but they do represent a 'get-out clause' for the drug manufacturers if you happen to be one of the unfortunates who do react to the drug. I wasn't always so conscientious in this matter, but I had some quite serious reactions to a couple of anti-depressants in the early days of my depression, when we were still trying to find the right drug for me, so since then I have made sure that I am aware of what may happen when I take a new medication.
On Friday my GP started me on medication for my high blood pressure and yesterday morning I took my first dose. The leaflet says quite clearly, in two separate places, that the tablets may make you feel sleepy, so is it possible that it was this tablet that caused me to spend so much of the day asleep? When I took the tablet yesterday, I took it on an empty stomach; this morning I have made sure that I have had something to eat before taking it. Now I have to see what happens as the morning progresses. I'll be honest and say that although I slept pretty much all day yesterday, I had absolutely no trouble sleeping last night. And I can't but help think that I could lie down again now and easily go off to the Land of Nod.
So I am going to have to take things easy today, see how I feel as the day and the week progresses, and if I can't stop sleeping perhaps pay my GP another visit just to check that things are alright.
Sunday, 24 August 2008
In The Middle Of The Night
It's a ridiculous time to be writing a post for my blog, but I'm having one of those bad nights. I managed to get to sleep relatively easily, but then woke up a couple of hours later and I can't get back to sleep again.
I watched the Men's Olympic Marathon, which was run in horrendously hot conditions, and which was run at a ridiculously fast pace for the first half of the race. Some runners had to drop out, and comments were made by Steve Cram and Brendan Foster about some of the runners becoming so dehydrated that they were no longer sweating in what was becoming an increasingly hot day.
I don't think that there will be the same problems at London 2012. It is exceedingly unlikely that the temperatures will rise to the level that they have been in Beijing over the last couple of weeks, not do I think it likely, even allowing for the terrible summer that we have had this year, that any rain that there is will be quite so torrential as that which has been seen on a couple occasions in Beijing. The sailors can be pretty sure that a lack of wind is unlikely to cause races to be cancelled; in fact the reverse is more likely, races being cancelled because of too much wind.
The British climate may not be the best in the world, but it is ours, and if we didn't have it what would we all talk about? It is probably the best climate that there is for the majority of sports; not too hot, not too cool, not too wet, and not too dry. Let's hope that everything, including the weather, comes together nicely and allows Britain to put on an Olympics of which we can be proud, and that the participants will talk about for years to come.
I watched the Men's Olympic Marathon, which was run in horrendously hot conditions, and which was run at a ridiculously fast pace for the first half of the race. Some runners had to drop out, and comments were made by Steve Cram and Brendan Foster about some of the runners becoming so dehydrated that they were no longer sweating in what was becoming an increasingly hot day.
I don't think that there will be the same problems at London 2012. It is exceedingly unlikely that the temperatures will rise to the level that they have been in Beijing over the last couple of weeks, not do I think it likely, even allowing for the terrible summer that we have had this year, that any rain that there is will be quite so torrential as that which has been seen on a couple occasions in Beijing. The sailors can be pretty sure that a lack of wind is unlikely to cause races to be cancelled; in fact the reverse is more likely, races being cancelled because of too much wind.
The British climate may not be the best in the world, but it is ours, and if we didn't have it what would we all talk about? It is probably the best climate that there is for the majority of sports; not too hot, not too cool, not too wet, and not too dry. Let's hope that everything, including the weather, comes together nicely and allows Britain to put on an Olympics of which we can be proud, and that the participants will talk about for years to come.
Wednesday, 20 August 2008
Feeling ......... ?
I'm having a bit of a weird day today. I'm not feeling brilliant, but I can't really put my finger on what is wrong with me. I'm having one of those periods where my body is telling me that I need to get some sleep (that's mainly as a result of me watching the Olympics at ridiculous hours of the night) so last night I had an early night. I went to sleep fairly quickly, and I've spent a lot of time since then sleeping, which probably means that I won't sleep tonight.
But I also keep coming over dizzy, even when I am sitting down, so that is why I say I am feeling strange. It's not like how I feel when I have labyrinthitis, so I am pretty sure it's not that, but trying to actually describe how I am feeling is rather difficult.
Never mind, I am sure that I will have days when I feel a lot worse, and at least I have caught up on some of my missed sleep. Watching the Olympics and seeing how well our boys and girls are doing has been excellent therapy for a depressive armchair athlete (actually I do exercise, but my days of doing really energetic things are long passed).
They say that exercise is good for helping to lift you out of depression; when someone else is doing the exercise and it is still having a beneficial effect on how you feel, so much the better.
But I also keep coming over dizzy, even when I am sitting down, so that is why I say I am feeling strange. It's not like how I feel when I have labyrinthitis, so I am pretty sure it's not that, but trying to actually describe how I am feeling is rather difficult.
Never mind, I am sure that I will have days when I feel a lot worse, and at least I have caught up on some of my missed sleep. Watching the Olympics and seeing how well our boys and girls are doing has been excellent therapy for a depressive armchair athlete (actually I do exercise, but my days of doing really energetic things are long passed).
They say that exercise is good for helping to lift you out of depression; when someone else is doing the exercise and it is still having a beneficial effect on how you feel, so much the better.
Saturday, 16 August 2008
I'm Getting Excited
I'm supposed to be asleep in preparation for my alarm going off at the ridiculous hour of 1.45am. Why am I intending to be awake at this time? Well, I need to get myself awake to switch the television on to watch what promises to be a very exciting day at the Olympics. We are guaranteed at least two silver medals in the sailing, we have a very good chance of a gold medal in the swimming at the Water Cube, our cyclists look likely to to add to the gold medal that they won in the velodrome yesterday, and we have crews in five of the finals at the rowing regatta. All of this and I haven't even mentioned what is happening in the Bird's Nest Stadium.
With luck it will be a very good day for all our athletes at the Olympics tomorrow, no matter what their sport, and the battle for medals looks set to continue on Sunday, with more chances in the cycling, and five more crews in the finals of the rowing. But our biggest wish for success should go to Paula Radcliffe as she takes on the Marathon and races for that elusive Olympic Medal. Paula has been a magnificent representative for this country for many years, but she always seemed to be the bridesmaid, never the bride. She ran her heart out at all manner of competitions and major games, but never had the speed to allow her to win a medal.
This all changed for Paula at the Manchester Commonwealth Games; at long last she managed to win a major title, and she won it in style. Suddenly she had found that extra bit of determination, and an unbelievable ability to set a punishing speed that others could not follow. She became a World Champion. She ran a marathon and set the fastest time ever run by a woman, and then she repeated it at more major city marathons. Everything was set fair for the Athens Olympics, but it was not to be. Paula was fit, but feeling unwell, and she had to retire from the race, heartbroken. After the disappointment in Athens she then went on to break her own fastest time for a marathon; she was determined to keep going and to try to be fit and ready for Beijing. She did take a little bit of time away from the running though; time enough to have a daughter, and yes she got back to work with the training in order to prepare herself for the Olympics.
But fate was ready to deal Paula another cruel blow. When she should have been working to get herself in perfect condition for the race that could give her the thing that she wanted m ost, an Olympic medal, and preferably a gold one, she was found to have a stress fracture of the femurd. We have probably never had an athlete who has represented our counhtry for so long at the highest level, who has things happen to her that were beyond her control, at the times when she was most likely to achieve her dreams. Paula didn't give up; she has prepared herself as best she could, the fracture has healed, she seems to be fit and is going to run on Sunday in the Olympic Marathon. If they were to give Olympic gold medals for sheer determination, Paula would surely be worthy of one, but I am quite sure that she would rather win won for herself by running the race and showing the world what a truly great athlete she is.
So let Sunday be Paula's day, let us all cross our fingers, and even though the race is due to start in the early hours of Sunday morning, we should be there willing her on so that she can win the gold medal she so richly deserves.
That is why I am getting excited. I know that I need some sleep, but that can wait; I know that I could watch the repeats of the events at some later hour, but that would not be as exciting. I suffer from depression, but the Olympics give me a thrill, and to see the events as they happen, be they good or bad, will give me more enjoyment than getting a few hours sleep. After all, there are only 11 more days of the Olympics, then I will have to wait for another four years to get this excited again, and four years is plenty of time to catch up on my missed sleep.
With luck it will be a very good day for all our athletes at the Olympics tomorrow, no matter what their sport, and the battle for medals looks set to continue on Sunday, with more chances in the cycling, and five more crews in the finals of the rowing. But our biggest wish for success should go to Paula Radcliffe as she takes on the Marathon and races for that elusive Olympic Medal. Paula has been a magnificent representative for this country for many years, but she always seemed to be the bridesmaid, never the bride. She ran her heart out at all manner of competitions and major games, but never had the speed to allow her to win a medal.
This all changed for Paula at the Manchester Commonwealth Games; at long last she managed to win a major title, and she won it in style. Suddenly she had found that extra bit of determination, and an unbelievable ability to set a punishing speed that others could not follow. She became a World Champion. She ran a marathon and set the fastest time ever run by a woman, and then she repeated it at more major city marathons. Everything was set fair for the Athens Olympics, but it was not to be. Paula was fit, but feeling unwell, and she had to retire from the race, heartbroken. After the disappointment in Athens she then went on to break her own fastest time for a marathon; she was determined to keep going and to try to be fit and ready for Beijing. She did take a little bit of time away from the running though; time enough to have a daughter, and yes she got back to work with the training in order to prepare herself for the Olympics.
But fate was ready to deal Paula another cruel blow. When she should have been working to get herself in perfect condition for the race that could give her the thing that she wanted m ost, an Olympic medal, and preferably a gold one, she was found to have a stress fracture of the femurd. We have probably never had an athlete who has represented our counhtry for so long at the highest level, who has things happen to her that were beyond her control, at the times when she was most likely to achieve her dreams. Paula didn't give up; she has prepared herself as best she could, the fracture has healed, she seems to be fit and is going to run on Sunday in the Olympic Marathon. If they were to give Olympic gold medals for sheer determination, Paula would surely be worthy of one, but I am quite sure that she would rather win won for herself by running the race and showing the world what a truly great athlete she is.
So let Sunday be Paula's day, let us all cross our fingers, and even though the race is due to start in the early hours of Sunday morning, we should be there willing her on so that she can win the gold medal she so richly deserves.
That is why I am getting excited. I know that I need some sleep, but that can wait; I know that I could watch the repeats of the events at some later hour, but that would not be as exciting. I suffer from depression, but the Olympics give me a thrill, and to see the events as they happen, be they good or bad, will give me more enjoyment than getting a few hours sleep. After all, there are only 11 more days of the Olympics, then I will have to wait for another four years to get this excited again, and four years is plenty of time to catch up on my missed sleep.
Monday, 11 August 2008
Lack Of Sleep And The Olympics
I haven't slept very well for the last couple of nights, and I'm not quite sure whether it was knowing that the Olympics were on television which kept me awake, or getting hooked on watching the Olympics.
I really did mean to lie down and go to sleep last night, but unfortunately I had dozed off for a couple of hours in the early evening while I was lying on the settee reading a book. It's my own fault, I know, but sleep is one of those things that I take whenever I can get it because I know that my sleep pattern can be very erratic.
Several times I switched the box off got myself into a comfortable position in bed, only to start fidgeting and tossing and turning, so that I was wide awake again. In the end, I just gave up all attempts at sleep and lay in bed watching the fare from Beijing. First of all it was the cross country phase of the three-day eventing, which somewhat perversely was taking place over four days, that held my attention, but after a while it can get a bit boring watching various horses and their riders going round what was obviously a golf course given a face-lift for the occasion. Just as this was starting to pall, the BBC moved to the Water Cube for the swimming. This was a bit more exciting.
There were various semi-finals and a number of finals to watch and it's always more interesting when you know that medals are going to be won. British swimmers had done quite well getting into a number of the finals, and two events stand out as being exceptional examples of what the Olympics are all about. The first was the Men's 4x100m Freestyle relay which was a race and a half. Not only did the winning US team knock a huge margin off the world record, but every team in the final set a national record with their swim. It must be a very rare occasion indeed, that such a race will take place. The second event was the Women's 400m Freestyle, where the commentators all agreed that Britain had a real chance of a medal. Becky Adlington swam a perfect race to win the gold medal, the first by a British lady swimmer for 48 years, and Jo Jackson won the bronze. And what was Becky's reaction to the win? "I didn't swim as fast as I should have."
I have to admit that I was silently "screaming" as the race entered its final stages. I always feel as if I am there when our sportsmen and women are in the fray, so even though I was tired I was glad that I had seen this incredible race live.
After that, I seemed to relax in a way that had not been possible before, and I fell asleep for a couple of hours without any trouble at all. Things will be so much easier when the Olympics are in London and events occur at normal hours for me.
I really did mean to lie down and go to sleep last night, but unfortunately I had dozed off for a couple of hours in the early evening while I was lying on the settee reading a book. It's my own fault, I know, but sleep is one of those things that I take whenever I can get it because I know that my sleep pattern can be very erratic.
Several times I switched the box off got myself into a comfortable position in bed, only to start fidgeting and tossing and turning, so that I was wide awake again. In the end, I just gave up all attempts at sleep and lay in bed watching the fare from Beijing. First of all it was the cross country phase of the three-day eventing, which somewhat perversely was taking place over four days, that held my attention, but after a while it can get a bit boring watching various horses and their riders going round what was obviously a golf course given a face-lift for the occasion. Just as this was starting to pall, the BBC moved to the Water Cube for the swimming. This was a bit more exciting.
There were various semi-finals and a number of finals to watch and it's always more interesting when you know that medals are going to be won. British swimmers had done quite well getting into a number of the finals, and two events stand out as being exceptional examples of what the Olympics are all about. The first was the Men's 4x100m Freestyle relay which was a race and a half. Not only did the winning US team knock a huge margin off the world record, but every team in the final set a national record with their swim. It must be a very rare occasion indeed, that such a race will take place. The second event was the Women's 400m Freestyle, where the commentators all agreed that Britain had a real chance of a medal. Becky Adlington swam a perfect race to win the gold medal, the first by a British lady swimmer for 48 years, and Jo Jackson won the bronze. And what was Becky's reaction to the win? "I didn't swim as fast as I should have."
I have to admit that I was silently "screaming" as the race entered its final stages. I always feel as if I am there when our sportsmen and women are in the fray, so even though I was tired I was glad that I had seen this incredible race live.
After that, I seemed to relax in a way that had not been possible before, and I fell asleep for a couple of hours without any trouble at all. Things will be so much easier when the Olympics are in London and events occur at normal hours for me.
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
Perhaps I Spoke Too Soon, Or Maybe Not
Yesterday I wrote and said that I was feeling better; well I am a lot better than I have been but things aren't perfect yet. I found that out when I decided that I had better go to bed and couldn't get to sleep. Reading didn't help, I couldn't concentrate on the page and kept reading the same couple of lines over and over again. I'm not a lover of hot milky drinks and I didn't have any milk anyway. And a warm bath was out as I'd had one of those already.
Midnight came and went, so did 1 o'clock, then 2 o'clock. I began to think that this might be one of those nights where I got no sleep at all. But at about 2.30 this morning, my eyelids finally began to droop and I fell asleep with no bother at all.
When my depression is at its worst, I wake in the early hours of the morning, any time between 3 and 4 o'clock is usual, and then I find that I cannot get back to sleep irregardless of what time I fall asleep. Today was different though. Today I slept right the way through until 7.30, so although I am tired, I have had a reasonable amount of sleep and I don't feel like crawling further under the duvet so that the world can't get at me.
This is just as well because I have a social gathering to go to this evening, and I need to get to bed early tonight as I have to rise early tomorrow morning. Tomorrow I have a hospital appointment at 8.30 in the morning, so that means that I will have to rise very early to get myself ready to catch a bus. Tomorrow morning I will have to be leaving the house at the same time that I was leaving my bed today.
I had better make sure that I put the alarm on tonight.
Midnight came and went, so did 1 o'clock, then 2 o'clock. I began to think that this might be one of those nights where I got no sleep at all. But at about 2.30 this morning, my eyelids finally began to droop and I fell asleep with no bother at all.
When my depression is at its worst, I wake in the early hours of the morning, any time between 3 and 4 o'clock is usual, and then I find that I cannot get back to sleep irregardless of what time I fall asleep. Today was different though. Today I slept right the way through until 7.30, so although I am tired, I have had a reasonable amount of sleep and I don't feel like crawling further under the duvet so that the world can't get at me.
This is just as well because I have a social gathering to go to this evening, and I need to get to bed early tonight as I have to rise early tomorrow morning. Tomorrow I have a hospital appointment at 8.30 in the morning, so that means that I will have to rise very early to get myself ready to catch a bus. Tomorrow morning I will have to be leaving the house at the same time that I was leaving my bed today.
I had better make sure that I put the alarm on tonight.
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