I went off to the CMHT this morning via the local Tesco Express so I could buy plenty of tissues for my cold. My nose seems to be constantly running one minute and then a few minutes later I am completely bunged up. And I don't think that I have sneezed so much for a long time. This is a real humdinger of a cold and it couldn't have come at a worse time.
I arrived at the CMHT at 9.45am for my 10am appointment, and was told that the HTT team were running a bit late and that I wouldn't be seen until about 10.15am. It wasn't anything more than a bit of an annoyance as I didn't have to do anything else today. A member of the HTT that I had not met before came to see me in reception and said that he just wanted to read through all my notes before we had a chat.
Normally there are only one or two other people with appointments at that time on a Monday morning, but today there were about a dozen and it meant that rooms were at a premium. We went in one and were then asked to move out of that so we had to go to another room, this time in the annex at the back of the main building. We settled down for our chat and talked quite a bit about my interview tomorrow and what the job will involve. Most of my appointment ended up being on the subject of patients having access to their medical records and how this should and could be achieved. Then we discussed all of the other presentations that I have done on this subject and who they were for and then passed on to my trip to the House of Commons next week. We did eventually get on to the real subject of my appointment, which of course, relates to how I have been over the last week and how I am coping with life in general.
The end result of all this is that I have been discharged from the HTT/Crisis Team and I now have an appointment with my new consultant psychiatrist next Monday. I haven't met him yet but I have been told that he is very nice and quite young. So next Monday morning I shall be making my way over to the CMHT again, but this time not to see the HTT, it will be the first of what I am told will be regular meetings with my new consultant psychiatrist. So watch this space.
When I had set out from home this morning it had been a very grey morning. By the time that I left the CMHT a fine drizzle was falling and it was sufficient for me to get cold and damp on my walk to the bus stop. Fortunately, almost every bus stop in my part of London now has a shelter associated with it so I could at least stand in the dry while I waited the few minutes before the first of my buses home arrived. When it became time to change buses it was raining even more but the stop that I alighted from was also the stop where I had to wait for the second bus for my journey home. I had to wait about five minutes before my bus came, but again I was under a shelter and by the time that I arrived at the bus stop nearest home, the rain had stopped, so the short walk home didn't mean that I got any wetter.
Once home, I slapped a pasta ready meal into the microwave, zapped it for the required four minutes and then sat down to enjoy my nice hot meal. then I wrapped myself up in a couple of blankets and laid down on the settee to half watch television and play Mah Jong on my Nintendo DSi. I may have dozed off for a few minutes a couple of times, but other than that I have been awake all day, which is a bit of a surprise as I only had one hour of sleep last night.
Now I am ready for bed and I plan to get myself snuggled under the duvet and read for a while before trying to get to sleep. I'm not sure how successful I will be as I am definitely suffering with this cold and my anxiety level is very high. Having a job interview, followed shortly afterwards with a psychotherapy session is not what I would normally plan for my day, but it has to be done and I'll have to do my best. The alarm is set for the indecent hour of 6am so that I can get myself up, showered, dressed and make sure that I have everything that I need for the day, before leaving the house between 7.30am and 7.45am. Whether I have the time, or the inclination, for any breakfast remains to be seen.
I shall report on how my day went tomorrow evening, when I may even resort to an alcoholic drink or two to get over my taxing day.
Showing posts with label HTT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HTT. Show all posts
Monday, 25 January 2010
Not At My Best
I've managed about an hour of sleep and I'm feeling rather rough this morning. I now have a streaming cold and my first port of call this morning, before I even go to the bus stop, is to call into Tesco Express to buy a box of tissues.
My nose is bunged up and constantly streaming at one and the same time and it really couldn't have happened at a worse time. It is probable that I have been feeling so down over the last few days because this cold was developing. Knowing my luck it will be in full flow tomorrow morning when I have my interview.
I shall have to get myself out of bed soon and the thought of getting out of a nice warm place so that I can get myself dressed and go out into the cold morning is not one that is particularly appealing but it needs to be done. My trip to the CMHT to see the HTT will be about all that I can manage today. Fortunately I only have to get the paperwork that I need to take with me to the interview together when I get back home and then I shall probably just wrap myself up in the duvet and climb into bed for the rest of the day.
I shall dose myself with paracetamol, find a book to read (something that is not too taxing) and hopefully drop off to sleep for a few hours. My clothes are ready for tomorrow, and all I will have to do is make sure that I set the alarm so that I am up in plenty of time and then get myself ready to leave the house by shortly after 7.30am to walk to the bus stop to get the bus to the GP's surgery where the interviews are to take place.
Having a streaming cold is not what I would have wanted when I am about to undergo this ordeal, but it will hopefully elicit a little sympathy from the interview panel. The rest is up to me.
My nose is bunged up and constantly streaming at one and the same time and it really couldn't have happened at a worse time. It is probable that I have been feeling so down over the last few days because this cold was developing. Knowing my luck it will be in full flow tomorrow morning when I have my interview.
I shall have to get myself out of bed soon and the thought of getting out of a nice warm place so that I can get myself dressed and go out into the cold morning is not one that is particularly appealing but it needs to be done. My trip to the CMHT to see the HTT will be about all that I can manage today. Fortunately I only have to get the paperwork that I need to take with me to the interview together when I get back home and then I shall probably just wrap myself up in the duvet and climb into bed for the rest of the day.
I shall dose myself with paracetamol, find a book to read (something that is not too taxing) and hopefully drop off to sleep for a few hours. My clothes are ready for tomorrow, and all I will have to do is make sure that I set the alarm so that I am up in plenty of time and then get myself ready to leave the house by shortly after 7.30am to walk to the bus stop to get the bus to the GP's surgery where the interviews are to take place.
Having a streaming cold is not what I would have wanted when I am about to undergo this ordeal, but it will hopefully elicit a little sympathy from the interview panel. The rest is up to me.
Monday, 18 January 2010
Anxiety Relieved
My walk to the bus stop this morning was not alone as would be the norm; just as I stepped off the drive my next-door neighbour (actually she and her husband and kids live behind my house because I live on a corner of the road and their house is in the road that joins my road) came out of the house on her way to the local newsagent to pick up a newspaper. It was nice to be able to have a chat with someone as I walked along the road. I was lucky this morning (or unlucky depending which way you look at it) because the first of the two buses that I have to catch to get to the CMHT arrived almost immediately and when I changed buses I had only to wait for a minute after getting off the first one for the second to arrive. The net result of this was that I arrived 35 minutes early for my appointment with the HTT.
I didn't see the usual nurse this morning although the one I saw today I have seen before. He is much better than the nurse I normally see at getting the information that they need to ensure that I am keeping well and it doesn't seem like answering questions by rote. It was actually much more like having a proper conversation. This meant that I probably gave more information because we talked around the subject. They are very pleased with my progress and I was told that I should give myself a pat on the back for all that I have achieved since leaving hospital.
When the appointment was over (I was in there for an hour and yet it seemed like five minutes) I walked down the road to catch the bus to take me to the hospital so that I could attend my psychotherapy session. By the time that I went into the psychologist's office I was suffering terrible anxiety and I really didn't want to be there. We got to work immediately and, though it was very difficult for me, it was a good session. I know it was a good session because at the end of it I felt as though I had been put through a wringer, but as I walked along the road to the shops after leaving the hospital I realised that all the anxiety had gone and I was much more relaxed. It really is just the anticipation of what I know is going to happen that makes me so anxious.
By the time that I got to the main shopping area I realised that I was very hungry; it was about 1.15pm and I hadn't had anything to eat since last night so I got myself some lunch and then did the little bit of shopping that I needed and then headed for the bus stop to get the bus home. The nice postman left my parcel at the back door so I don't have to go to the sorting office to collect it tomorrow so I now have a couple of knitting books and three new games for my Nintendo DSi to look at this afternoon.
After a night with only a couple of hours sleep and the rigours of the therapy session I am going to relax for the rest of the day. I shall probably try for an early night tonight, I will definitely take my sleep medication, but before that happens I am going to look at my new books and play my new games. Then tomorrow I must sit down and write the short story for my final assignment on my OU course.
I didn't see the usual nurse this morning although the one I saw today I have seen before. He is much better than the nurse I normally see at getting the information that they need to ensure that I am keeping well and it doesn't seem like answering questions by rote. It was actually much more like having a proper conversation. This meant that I probably gave more information because we talked around the subject. They are very pleased with my progress and I was told that I should give myself a pat on the back for all that I have achieved since leaving hospital.
When the appointment was over (I was in there for an hour and yet it seemed like five minutes) I walked down the road to catch the bus to take me to the hospital so that I could attend my psychotherapy session. By the time that I went into the psychologist's office I was suffering terrible anxiety and I really didn't want to be there. We got to work immediately and, though it was very difficult for me, it was a good session. I know it was a good session because at the end of it I felt as though I had been put through a wringer, but as I walked along the road to the shops after leaving the hospital I realised that all the anxiety had gone and I was much more relaxed. It really is just the anticipation of what I know is going to happen that makes me so anxious.
By the time that I got to the main shopping area I realised that I was very hungry; it was about 1.15pm and I hadn't had anything to eat since last night so I got myself some lunch and then did the little bit of shopping that I needed and then headed for the bus stop to get the bus home. The nice postman left my parcel at the back door so I don't have to go to the sorting office to collect it tomorrow so I now have a couple of knitting books and three new games for my Nintendo DSi to look at this afternoon.
After a night with only a couple of hours sleep and the rigours of the therapy session I am going to relax for the rest of the day. I shall probably try for an early night tonight, I will definitely take my sleep medication, but before that happens I am going to look at my new books and play my new games. Then tomorrow I must sit down and write the short story for my final assignment on my OU course.
High Anxiety (Apologies To Mel Brooks)
It's been another night with little sleep. I didn't dare take the sleep medication because I had to be up early this morning to go to see both the HTT and my psychologist. I know why I didn't sleep; it was the overwhelming feeling of anxiety that started to come over me yesterday evening. This morning I am like a coiled spring and I feel that I am likely to explode at any moment.
This complete irrationality about talking about how I have been feeling over the last couple of weeks to the HTT ( I chickened out of last Monday's visit) and what is to come later when I am with psychologist is what makes my mental health problems so draining on me both physically and emotionally.
The silliest thing about the state which I find myself in is that I know exactly what is going to happen. It's not fear of the unknown that worries me but anticipation of what is about to occur.
This complete irrationality about talking about how I have been feeling over the last couple of weeks to the HTT ( I chickened out of last Monday's visit) and what is to come later when I am with psychologist is what makes my mental health problems so draining on me both physically and emotionally.
The silliest thing about the state which I find myself in is that I know exactly what is going to happen. It's not fear of the unknown that worries me but anticipation of what is about to occur.
Monday, 11 January 2010
A Bit Of A Thaw
I eventually managed to get out to get my parcels from the local sorting office this morning. I needed to get some food too, so I couldn't put it off any longer. I knew that it was still cold out so I made sure that I was well wrapped up and that I wore a hat and some gloves and equipped with my shopping bag and walking stick I set out. Most of the snow at the back of the house had gone but there was still much on the road and pavements at the side of the house.
As I stepped off the drive onto the pavement I put my foot down somewhat gingerly but I needn't have worried. The surface that last week had been so slippery was today quite soft. There had been a little more snow over the weekend but the real reason that it was much safer underfoot was the fact that the snow was actually melting. We are having a bit of a thaw at the moment and even though it is still very cold it is possible that by the end of the week most of the snow on the pavements will have disappeared.
I made it to the sorting office without a hint of a slip and then made my way to the supermarket for life's essentials. I now have bread and milk as well as a few other bits and pieces and I should be fine until the end of the week now. I decided to travel as much of the way home as I could by bus because the shopping was quite heavy and I really didn't want to come a cropper if I did mange to find a patch of icy pavement. In the end I made it home quite safely and once indoors I started to warm up a little.
I managed to get to sleep last night without the aid of medication and somewhat unbelievably actually managed to sleep in this morning too. I was supposed to go to see the HTT this morning at 10am, but I was still asleep then. I eventually woke at about 10.30 and knowing that I had other things to do that were far more important than going to see the HTT I decided to phone them to apologise for not being there owing to my having overslept. I had a brief chat and when asked when I wanted to go to see them I persuaded them that as I had a lot to do this week, especially having to get my assignment in to my tutor by lunchtime on Friday, that I not call in this week but go to see them next Monday. This was accepted by them and so I have a reprieve for this week.
Tomorrow I am off to see the psychologist again and I am already beginning to get anxious about it. Last week's session was less psychotherapy and more an opportunity to talk about how the news about Mr Smiley has affected me. Tomorrow it will be back to the real work and we will also be discussing how many more sessions I will be having and whether I am to be referred for long-term psychotherapy. I believe that this is quite likely, but the fact that I am being referred by one of the mental health trusts psychologists rather than by my GP will hopefully mean that I don't have to wait too long for the therapy to start.
Now I have to decide what I am going to do for the rest of the day. Do I have a go at writing the 1500-word story for my assignment? Or do I sit and do some knitting? Or should I sit down to write another post in the Tackling the Mental Health Minefield series. Making decisions is very difficult at the moment.
As I stepped off the drive onto the pavement I put my foot down somewhat gingerly but I needn't have worried. The surface that last week had been so slippery was today quite soft. There had been a little more snow over the weekend but the real reason that it was much safer underfoot was the fact that the snow was actually melting. We are having a bit of a thaw at the moment and even though it is still very cold it is possible that by the end of the week most of the snow on the pavements will have disappeared.
I made it to the sorting office without a hint of a slip and then made my way to the supermarket for life's essentials. I now have bread and milk as well as a few other bits and pieces and I should be fine until the end of the week now. I decided to travel as much of the way home as I could by bus because the shopping was quite heavy and I really didn't want to come a cropper if I did mange to find a patch of icy pavement. In the end I made it home quite safely and once indoors I started to warm up a little.
I managed to get to sleep last night without the aid of medication and somewhat unbelievably actually managed to sleep in this morning too. I was supposed to go to see the HTT this morning at 10am, but I was still asleep then. I eventually woke at about 10.30 and knowing that I had other things to do that were far more important than going to see the HTT I decided to phone them to apologise for not being there owing to my having overslept. I had a brief chat and when asked when I wanted to go to see them I persuaded them that as I had a lot to do this week, especially having to get my assignment in to my tutor by lunchtime on Friday, that I not call in this week but go to see them next Monday. This was accepted by them and so I have a reprieve for this week.
Tomorrow I am off to see the psychologist again and I am already beginning to get anxious about it. Last week's session was less psychotherapy and more an opportunity to talk about how the news about Mr Smiley has affected me. Tomorrow it will be back to the real work and we will also be discussing how many more sessions I will be having and whether I am to be referred for long-term psychotherapy. I believe that this is quite likely, but the fact that I am being referred by one of the mental health trusts psychologists rather than by my GP will hopefully mean that I don't have to wait too long for the therapy to start.
Now I have to decide what I am going to do for the rest of the day. Do I have a go at writing the 1500-word story for my assignment? Or do I sit and do some knitting? Or should I sit down to write another post in the Tackling the Mental Health Minefield series. Making decisions is very difficult at the moment.
Monday, 4 January 2010
Just Before I Go To Bed
I managed about one hour of sleep last night. Actually it was this morning between 5 o'clock until just after 6 o'clock. I left home and stepped out into the freezing cold, but I had made sure that I was well wrapped up. Standing at the bus stop for 10 minutes was no fun, but once on the bus I knew that I had only a few stops before I had to get off again because I wanted to call into the shop where I get some of my knitting supplies because I needed to get some double-pointed needles.
This entailed another five minutes in the cold while I waited for the shop to open; when it did I made a bee-line for where they hang the knitting needles and found what I wanted immediately. I paid for them, stashed them away in my handbag and went out of the shop to wait at the bus stop for another bus. Fortunately the bus stop is almost outside the shop so I didn't have to walk far and luckily my bus came within a couple of minutes. I have to get two buses to get to the buildings that house the CMHT, and when I got off the bus to make the change, where I normally have to wait about 10 minutes this morning the wait was less than one minute. I couldn't believe my luck.
It was quieter on the roads this morning than I had expected it to be. It seems as though some people must be taking a few more days off work, so this journey, which usually takes me something like an hour and a half from home to the CMHT buildings, was completed in less than an hour and that included the time that I spent in the shop buying the knitting needles.
I had a long chat with one of the HTT; usually I'm with whoever sees me for about 20 minutes, this morning it was something like 50 minutes. After having signed out of the building, I walked down the road to the bus stop and I only had to wait for a couple of minutes before a bus arrived. When we got to where I have to change buses, I didn't have to wait at all. I literally stepped off the first bus, walked to its rear and climbed on the bus that would take me the rest of the way home.
I did try to have a nap this afternoon; I was in desperate need of sleep, but it didn't happen. So I have got myself ready for bed, and as soon as I have finished this post I will take my night-time meds and snuggle under the duvet, perhaps trying to read for a while and hopefully drop off to sleep reasonably quickly. I'm yawning as I type this, so I am fairly optimistic that sleep will come fairly easily tonight.
I would like to have a lie-in tomorrow morning, but that won't be happening. I have to get myself up fairly early because tomorrow is psychotherapy day. I have some library books which need to be returned so I shall do that after I have been for therapy. I also need to sit myself down to write a letter to Mr Smiley, and the library might just be the perfect place to do this.
When I get home tomorrow I must settle down to do some studying. I need to read the rest of the course material and then start working on my final assignment. I am hoping that I can get the assignment finished over the weekend, which will mean that I can submit it well before the cut-off date. I'm thinking of doing another short course if I can find something that interests me, so that I keep myself in a frame of mind to take a long course come the autumn.
Just before I head for my bed, I would like to thank everyone for the comments that have arrived over the last few days. It really does mean a lot to me that there are so many of you out in the blogosphere wishing me well and sending virtual hugs.
This entailed another five minutes in the cold while I waited for the shop to open; when it did I made a bee-line for where they hang the knitting needles and found what I wanted immediately. I paid for them, stashed them away in my handbag and went out of the shop to wait at the bus stop for another bus. Fortunately the bus stop is almost outside the shop so I didn't have to walk far and luckily my bus came within a couple of minutes. I have to get two buses to get to the buildings that house the CMHT, and when I got off the bus to make the change, where I normally have to wait about 10 minutes this morning the wait was less than one minute. I couldn't believe my luck.
It was quieter on the roads this morning than I had expected it to be. It seems as though some people must be taking a few more days off work, so this journey, which usually takes me something like an hour and a half from home to the CMHT buildings, was completed in less than an hour and that included the time that I spent in the shop buying the knitting needles.
I had a long chat with one of the HTT; usually I'm with whoever sees me for about 20 minutes, this morning it was something like 50 minutes. After having signed out of the building, I walked down the road to the bus stop and I only had to wait for a couple of minutes before a bus arrived. When we got to where I have to change buses, I didn't have to wait at all. I literally stepped off the first bus, walked to its rear and climbed on the bus that would take me the rest of the way home.
I did try to have a nap this afternoon; I was in desperate need of sleep, but it didn't happen. So I have got myself ready for bed, and as soon as I have finished this post I will take my night-time meds and snuggle under the duvet, perhaps trying to read for a while and hopefully drop off to sleep reasonably quickly. I'm yawning as I type this, so I am fairly optimistic that sleep will come fairly easily tonight.
I would like to have a lie-in tomorrow morning, but that won't be happening. I have to get myself up fairly early because tomorrow is psychotherapy day. I have some library books which need to be returned so I shall do that after I have been for therapy. I also need to sit myself down to write a letter to Mr Smiley, and the library might just be the perfect place to do this.
When I get home tomorrow I must settle down to do some studying. I need to read the rest of the course material and then start working on my final assignment. I am hoping that I can get the assignment finished over the weekend, which will mean that I can submit it well before the cut-off date. I'm thinking of doing another short course if I can find something that interests me, so that I keep myself in a frame of mind to take a long course come the autumn.
Just before I head for my bed, I would like to thank everyone for the comments that have arrived over the last few days. It really does mean a lot to me that there are so many of you out in the blogosphere wishing me well and sending virtual hugs.
Sunday, 3 January 2010
A Low Sunday
I can't say that I am feeling brilliant at the moment, in fact I am close to crying much of the time. But for some reason I have just picked up some knitting and I am seriously considering doing a row or two before I go to bed tonight. It will only be a row or two because it is one of my lace shawls that I have decided to have a go at. I haven't done anything to it since before I went into hospital so it is going to seem strange working on it again.
I eventually got to sleep at about 3 o'clock this morning and woke at about 8.30. It wasn't long before I was asleep again and remained so until 1.30pm. This means that I am not feeling tired at the moment and because I have to get up early tomorrow I don't want to rely on tablets for sleep tonight in case I oversleep in the morning.
Tomorrow morning sees me going to see the HTT so that I can report on how I have managed over the Christmas and New Year period. I don't think that I can say any more than that I survived. I ate every day, but spent many days wishing that my life was over. This is not a good state of mind to be in and I have to hope that it will pass.
I eventually got to sleep at about 3 o'clock this morning and woke at about 8.30. It wasn't long before I was asleep again and remained so until 1.30pm. This means that I am not feeling tired at the moment and because I have to get up early tomorrow I don't want to rely on tablets for sleep tonight in case I oversleep in the morning.
Tomorrow morning sees me going to see the HTT so that I can report on how I have managed over the Christmas and New Year period. I don't think that I can say any more than that I survived. I ate every day, but spent many days wishing that my life was over. This is not a good state of mind to be in and I have to hope that it will pass.
Tuesday, 29 December 2009
Going Downhill
I don't know what is wrong with me. I got through Christmas and I had hoped that things would start to improve a little, but if anything I am going downhill at a rather alarming rate. Last night I had absolutely no sleep whatsoever and I am not sure that tonight is going to be any better.
Today has seen me just sitting around doing nothing because I had neither the energy nor the inclination. I had hoped to get some studying done today but I can't concentrate on anything for more than about 10 minutes so that was a non-starter. I've also managed to lose one of my knitting needles that I am using to knit the wrist warmers so I am stuck with the knitting on three needles and no needle to transfer onto. Yes, they are knitted on double-pointed needles so I am knitting in the round which means that the stitches are spread around three needles and you use the fourth needle from the set to knit the next set of stitches and then when they are all off that needle, it becomes the spare. But I'm not sure that I could have concentrated on the knitting enough to do some anyway.
And I haven't managed to cook myself anything today either because I just couldn't be bothered, but I have eaten. I have to phone the HTT tomorrow for my weekly report (as a concession to it being the holiday season I can report over the phone and not go in person for them to eyeball me) and I'm not sure how I am going to answer the questions that I will be asked. Do I tell the truth, or do I give non-committal answers?
I also have a half completed post for the Tackling the Mental Health Minefield waiting for me to sit down and finish it. I want to do just that, because I still have quite a few more posts to write for the series and I don't want too much time to pass before writing them so that my recollection doesn't become too hazy. Fortunately, most of the remaining posts will be somewhat shorter than Parts 1-6 were, so perhaps I can work on them at the rate of one a day and then publish them over the next few weeks.
I'm going to take my night-time medication in a minute and then head for my bed. With a bit of luck I might manage to get to sleep before morning arrives.
Today has seen me just sitting around doing nothing because I had neither the energy nor the inclination. I had hoped to get some studying done today but I can't concentrate on anything for more than about 10 minutes so that was a non-starter. I've also managed to lose one of my knitting needles that I am using to knit the wrist warmers so I am stuck with the knitting on three needles and no needle to transfer onto. Yes, they are knitted on double-pointed needles so I am knitting in the round which means that the stitches are spread around three needles and you use the fourth needle from the set to knit the next set of stitches and then when they are all off that needle, it becomes the spare. But I'm not sure that I could have concentrated on the knitting enough to do some anyway.
And I haven't managed to cook myself anything today either because I just couldn't be bothered, but I have eaten. I have to phone the HTT tomorrow for my weekly report (as a concession to it being the holiday season I can report over the phone and not go in person for them to eyeball me) and I'm not sure how I am going to answer the questions that I will be asked. Do I tell the truth, or do I give non-committal answers?
I also have a half completed post for the Tackling the Mental Health Minefield waiting for me to sit down and finish it. I want to do just that, because I still have quite a few more posts to write for the series and I don't want too much time to pass before writing them so that my recollection doesn't become too hazy. Fortunately, most of the remaining posts will be somewhat shorter than Parts 1-6 were, so perhaps I can work on them at the rate of one a day and then publish them over the next few weeks.
I'm going to take my night-time medication in a minute and then head for my bed. With a bit of luck I might manage to get to sleep before morning arrives.
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