Busy Fingers

The last few months have been pretty horrific in one way or another, but even during my darkest periods I have tried to keep myself busy. In my last post I included a photograph of the socks that I was entering in the design competition and I appreciate all the lovely comments that you sent about them. The competition was supposed to have been judged at the knitting exhibition weekend, but due to various problems the judging didn't take place. However, I am assured that the competition entries will be judged in the next few days and hopefully I will soon find out whether I have won a prize or not.

I have mentioned before that I learnt how to do Sudoku puzzles while I was in hospital last year and I have spent some of my time working my way through two books of these puzzles (one with 350 individual puzzles and the other 500). I still have problems completing them all because of the way that my brain seems to turn to mush when I am faced with numbers but I must be getting better at working them out because I can now complete almost all the easy ones at the first attempt, the medium ones are completed more often than not, and I have even managed to complete the occasional hard puzzles, something that would have been impossible this time last year.

But doing these puzzles requires a fair level of concentration, and as other sufferers will know, when you really severely depressed, a long period of concentration is something very difficult to manage. However, knitting tends to take care of this for me. I have several projects on the go at any one time, so there might be a couple of lace projects (one large, one small, and requiring differing levels of concentration), and a couple of other small projects such as socks or hats (things that require little concentration above keeping a check on the number of rows that have been completed).

This being the case, I have succeeded in completing a number of projects over the last couple of months and I thought that you might like to see some of the things that I have made.

This shawl was completed over a weekend; I think that it was the novelty of knitting with not only much thicker yarn and needles than I have been using in recent months but also it was such an easy pattern to follow. The yarn itself is Manos del Uruguay's Silk Blend (a blend of merino wool and silk) and not only are the colourways in this yarn fabulous, it is also a very economical yarn to knit with, especially when one considers that it is produced by small cooperatives in

Uruguay.

This photograph shows the three parts that the shawl is knitted in. At the top is the triangle that forms the basis of the shawl, then a border is worked on two sides of the triangle and the shawl is finished with a lace edging which is knitted sideways and joined to the shawl on alternate rows. It sounds very complicated and when I first started tackling lace knitting I didn't think that I would be able to follow the instructions even though I had years of knitting experience but now I think nothing of it and just get the needles out and get on with it.

This shawl has been knitted in 100% silk and is as light as a feather. Well perhaps not quite as light as a feather, but it seems to weigh nothing at all having taken approximately 900 metres of yarn to complete and it weighs in just a few grams short of 100 grams. This is the first triangular shawl that I have knitted that has not been started from either the top or the bottom. Instead it is worked from one side, increasing as you work towards the middle and then the stitch count decreasing back to nothing as you get to the other side. The resultant shawl has very long points at the sides which make it a very delicate shawl to throw across one's shoulders.

I have also knitted a lace scarf in this same yarn, but haven't as yet taken a photograph of it.

I think that I mentioned that I received some special yarn as a birthday present from a couple of my friends at the knitting group. I knew as soon as I saw it what I would make with it and the photograph below shows two of the three items that will form part of my winter wardrobe.

A matching scarf is on the needles at the moment and will probably be completed when I am trying to knit and watch television at the same time. The yarn is from one of my favourite American dyers, Cheryl Potter at Cherry Tree Hill, and is really a sock yarn, but it is far too beautiful to use for socks that will be hidden inside shoes so using it for winter warmers seemed the perfect solution.

My needles are full of work as usual although even for me I have rather a lot of projects on the go. I am almost halfway to completing a poncho which is being created by adapting a shawl pattern (I'm nothing if not adventurous when it comes to what I try), I have started a waistcoat using a new knitting technique (it's knitted in one piece and uses special casting off techniques to ensure that there is no sewing up at the end of the knitting process and as you know I really hate sewing things together after I have knitted them), then there is the scarf to match my hat and mittens, a lace scarf that it going to be a Christmas present for a friend, a pair of fingerless mittens which will also be a Christmas present, a really fantastic shawl in the most incredible chocolate brown silk, and a beautiful kingfisher blue stole which has required me to try two new techniques for the first time. On top of all that, I am really dying to have a go at starting a shawl which will probably take me best part of a year to complete and which is to be knitted in yarn that it is barely thicker than the cotton you use to sew a button on a shirt.

There is also a definite possibility that I may be doing some teaching of both knitting and crocheting in the coming months too. And I have been asked to become a 'service user' representative (how I hate that term) at various meetings between the local council and the companies that provide hostels and supported housing for people with mental health problems. Many of the users of these services are impaired mentally through the use of alcohol and/or drugs, and it seems that I am considered 'normal' and not 'routinely negative' about the services that are provided. I'm beginning to wonder how I am going to fit it all in.

Reporting In

Okay, so it has been a long time since I blogged, but I am still in the land of the living (just). I have been weaned off one of my medications and had a new one to replace it so I started to feel really low while the transition was taking place. One unwanted side effect has been that I get very giddy when I stand up so I now have to make sure that I have something to hang on to when I stand. It doesn't happen all the time, and because I am aware of it possibly happening I tend to be really careful.

My socks were submitted with one day to spare, but as I thought that I might have to make a special journey up to the shop on deadline day because of the problems that I was encountering translating the pattern onto the computer, being able to drop them off on a knitting group day was great. My pattern told the story of how I came to create the design and had various examples of the variations that could be achieved by adapting the pattern as well as the actual competition pair.

I'm going to cheat a little and give you a look at the finished socks. The competition is going to be judged at the Iknit Weekender which takes place this coming Friday and Saturday, so keep your fingers crossed for me.The photograph was taken before I had pressed the socks so it's not perfect but if you click on the image it should enable you to see it in a larger format and hopefully you will get a better idea of how the finished product looked.

I have been doing a lot of knitting over the last couple of months, it being one of the few things that I can manage in my depressed state. Photographs have yet to be taken but once they are on my computer I will add them to the blog.

Anxiety And A Busy Day Ahead

For the first time in several weeks I have woken this morning in a state of anxiety. Anxiety is nothing new on psychotherapy days, but in recent weeks it has remained at bay until I am actually waiting to go into my therapist's office. Today, I am back to the old feelings of a lurching stomach and uncontrollable shivering.

I was later than I wanted to be in going to bed last night. I think that it was because I got engrossed in my knitting and I didn't notice the time pass by. It was only when I got to the stage of grafting the stitches of the toe together that I realised that it was nearly midnight. When I did go to bed it took me almost an hour to get off to sleep, and then I was awake again at 5.40 this morning.

So, now I am about to get myself ready to head out for the day. First to the hospital for my psychotherapy session, then into town to get some lunch and then off to see the chap about record access. There will be some hanging around because I could not get the things more closely timed, but I will go equipped to do something constructive.

Mine is not a large handbag, but thanks to the ingenuity of the designers at Kipling, it is a bit like Mary Poppins' carpet bag. It can take an amazing array of items and there still be room for more. This means that I can make sure that I have my purse, my pocket organiser, a hair brush, a two-way mirror, my Oyster card, my building society book, some chewing gum, a packet of Polos, my GTN spray, various letters for forthcoming appointments (if they are in the bag already then I won't be looking for them on the day), a large bundle of tissues (always needed on psychotherapy day, and even though there are always plenty of boxes of tissues in my therapist's office, I much prefer my soft ones to his NHS issue rough ones), my DSi in its hard case with 6 games to choose from, and my knitting.

Yes, that is right, I have managed to get the wool and the five double-pointed needles into my handbag so that I can do a bit of the second sock while trying to pass the time. I have started it this morning and managed to do a few rows to get it started, now it is there for me to do if I get the opportunity.

All that remains for me to do before I set off for the day is to finish getting dressed and to take my morning medication. I have been a bit lax with the medication just recently. Sometimes it has been lunchtime before I have remembered to take it and some days I haven't taken it at all. So, I shall do that now and then get on my way.

Just Another Day

Last night I managed to get some sleep. Not a lot, but sleep nonetheless. This has meant that I have not felt quite so awful today and have managed to do a little bit of knitting and some reading.

This afternoon I have been to see my GP. This was for my monthly visit so that he can ensure that I am okay and to get a prescription for my antidepressants. He is not very good at keeping to time with his appointments, but today I was seen five minutes early and gave us something to laugh about when I went in. Usually his opening remark is an apology for keeping me waiting, but today it wasn't necessary.

He asked whether I had received a letter for my appointment at the hospital to see the consultant about the little (actually not so little) problem that makes sitting down uncomfortable. I told him that I had been a couple of weeks ago and I'm now waiting for an appointment for the surgery that is necessary.

Then he told me that it was necessary for me to have my blood pressure taken. As luck would have it, I was wearing a short-sleeved top under my fleece so attaching the cuff to my arm was easy. As this was being done he checked that I had taken my blood pressure medication this morning and I had to think about it. Had I taken it? I have to take four different medications every morning and for the life of me I couldn't remember whether I had taken them this morning. Then I remembered. I take aspirin, and this morning when I had put the various tablets in my mouth and taken a good swig of water, four tablets had gone down but the aspirin had stuck to the roof of my mouth and had started to dissolve there. A second swig of water had taken care of that. Anyway, I was told to sit back in the chair and relax. I needn't have worried; my blood pressure was fine, perfect.

We talked about my depression, the support that I was getting from my consultant psychiatrist, and my psychotherapy. Then it was just a case of printing off the prescription for my antidepressants and I was done.

Since I have been back from the appointment (and collecting the medication from the chemist) I have managed to do two rows of my knitting (I have started knitting a lace shawl) and read a couple of chapters of a book that arrived from Amazon today. The book is The C-word by Lisa Lynch and is based on her blog which is one that I have been reading for more than a year now. For any of you who haven't read the blog, I would recommend it to you all and if you can't be bothered to work your way through the blog, then get the book. It is the amazing story of how Lisa found herself suffering from breast cancer at the age of 28 and her fight with 'The Bullshit' as it was to become known.

I shall get back to the book when I go to bed tonight, but I shall pick up the knitting after I have finished this post and written an email to There and Back.

It Will Have To Be An Early Night

As I sit here writing this post, it is almost as dark as night outside. It seems as though we still haven't actually moved into proper Springtime weather. I'm having a lazy day as I can't get out into the garden and after doing some Sudoku puzzles on my DSi (how I love that little gadget) I am about to pick up my knitting to help to pass the time.

I really must have an early night because I have to leave the house early tomorrow for an appointment with my psychiatrist. For some unknown reason I opted for his earliest appointment so I shall have to get up with the lark to get myself ready to go to catch the bus.

It will be good to be able to report that the increase in medication seems at last to be making a bit of a difference in my mood and in my ability to sleep. I'm not exactly filled with the joys of Spring, but neither am I in quite the depths of despair that I was when last I saw Dr M.

So, I shall shortly be making myself something to eat, I'll sit and knit for a couple of hours, and then I shall take my medication and take myself off to bed. One thing that I have learnt is that the night-time medication can work in a matter of minutes. Last night I got into bed, picked up my book to read a few pages, but I didn't even manage to open it before I was asleep.

It really can be possible to fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow.

A Brief Update

After a few nights of not sleeping particularly well and a certain amount of anxiety over my psychotherapy session and the forthcoming job interview, I took my sleep medication last night and I slept. Admittedly it was nearly 2am before I dropped off but it was definitely the medication causing the sleep because I just could not keep my eyes open a moment longer and I literally fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I woke up at about 10.30 to answer a call of nature and then climbed back into bed and instantly fell asleep again until nearly 3pm. this means that I have pretty much lost my day, but I do feel completely rested and while it means that I probably won't get any work done on preparing my presentation for the interview today, I will feel better tomorrow and can get to work nice and early and hopefully complete it then.

I went to see my GP yesterday afternoon and I had a lot to tell him. We talked about my being in the mental health loop now after my stay in hospital and how I seem to be getting the help that I need. Then we talked about how the news about Mr Smiley had affected me. My blog was the next subject of conversation. I told him about the Mental Nurse TWIM Award and how my readership has increased dramatically since starting to write the Tackling the Mental Health Minefield posts. Then we talked about the job interview and he wished me luck. Eventually we actually got to the reason that I had gone to see him. Over the last few weeks I have been getting occasional pains in my right leg. They can occur at any time, are excruciatingly painful and last for just a second. The pain is very sharp and feels as though it is in the bone rather than being muscular. "Shin splints" he said and had a look at my leg and the place where I was feeling the pain. So with a weight off my mind knowing it wasn't anything too serious I said that I needed a prescription for most of my medication. We went through the long list of things that I take on a regular basis and apart from GTN spray and the cream for my eczema I needed everything. The prescription printed out and signed and then I was on my way to the chemist to get the prescription filled and walked home with a carrier bag full of pills.

I think that it was the first time that I have been to see my GP for many months and not cried at some point through the appointment. I see this as a good thing because it is a real indicator of how my mood is improving. Now I have to hope that my confidence will start returning so that I can do well at my interview next week. And while we are on the subject of the interview, I would like to thank all of you who have sent me good luck wishes. I really appreciate the fact that you have taken time out of your day to read my blog and send me a comment.

Going Without Sleep

Sleep is becoming a problem again. I take all my medication at the proper time, and I make sure that I take the little blue pills that should help me to sleep.

I had been lying in bed reading when I remembered that I hadn't taken my tablets, so it was just a case of sorting out the required ones and taking them with some milk which is in a glass by the side of my bed. I had been on the verge of dropping off when I remembered that I needed to take my tablets. Having taken them, I was suddenly wide awake again.

It's now two hours since I settled down to go to sleep but sleep has not happened. I've been doing some puzzles (crosswords and suduko) in the hope that might help me to drop off, and as that hasn't worked I decided to write a quick post for the blog.

I've had to resort to the blue pills practically every night for the last couple of weeks. they do eventually help me to get to sleep but I keep waking up a few hours later. Sometimes I can get back to sleep fairly quickly, but more often I am awake for several hours before succumbing again. Then I end up sleeping for hours; most days during this last week I have ended up sleeping most of the morning.

What I really need to do is get back into a proper routine and hopefully I can manage that next week. I haven't been out of the house much over the last week or so, but on Monday I start having appointments with various people (HTT and psychologist as an example) and I will be getting to work on my OU course again. Hopefully that will help me to develop a routine that means that I can get to sleep reasonably easily and stay asleep for the rest of the night. I also need to get back to writing some more posts in the Tackling the Mental Health Minefield series as I have so much more to say on that subject.

But for now I will publish this post, wrap myself up under the duvet and hopefully drop off to sleep without too much of problem. I have a book handy so that I can read for a while, and if that doesn't work I'll just have to think of something else that might do the trick.

Going Downhill

I don't know what is wrong with me. I got through Christmas and I had hoped that things would start to improve a little, but if anything I am going downhill at a rather alarming rate. Last night I had absolutely no sleep whatsoever and I am not sure that tonight is going to be any better.

Today has seen me just sitting around doing nothing because I had neither the energy nor the inclination. I had hoped to get some studying done today but I can't concentrate on anything for more than about 10 minutes so that was a non-starter. I've also managed to lose one of my knitting needles that I am using to knit the wrist warmers so I am stuck with the knitting on three needles and no needle to transfer onto. Yes, they are knitted on double-pointed needles so I am knitting in the round which means that the stitches are spread around three needles and you use the fourth needle from the set to knit the next set of stitches and then when they are all off that needle, it becomes the spare. But I'm not sure that I could have concentrated on the knitting enough to do some anyway.

And I haven't managed to cook myself anything today either because I just couldn't be bothered, but I have eaten. I have to phone the HTT tomorrow for my weekly report (as a concession to it being the holiday season I can report over the phone and not go in person for them to eyeball me) and I'm not sure how I am going to answer the questions that I will be asked. Do I tell the truth, or do I give non-committal answers?

I also have a half completed post for the Tackling the Mental Health Minefield waiting for me to sit down and finish it. I want to do just that, because I still have quite a few more posts to write for the series and I don't want too much time to pass before writing them so that my recollection doesn't become too hazy. Fortunately, most of the remaining posts will be somewhat shorter than Parts 1-6 were, so perhaps I can work on them at the rate of one a day and then publish them over the next few weeks.

I'm going to take my night-time medication in a minute and then head for my bed. With a bit of luck I might manage to get to sleep before morning arrives.

I Knew Things Were Going Too Well

Work on the hat continued this afternoon, only being interrupted by my needing to go out for an appointment with my GP.

I actually went to see him for a prescription for antidepressants; I shall run out in a few days and they are not one of the things on my repeat prescription list so I have to see him every time I need some more. We also had a quick chat about my biopsy results and the fact that the sore area on my nose is still giving me some trouble and discussed the ointment and dressings that the consultant at the hospital prescribed. We talked about the weight of my glasses and whether it could be that which is causing the continuing sore area, but having handed my glasses to GP for him to assess the weight and my then saying that I have been wearing them for three and a half years so why have they suddenly started to cause the problems. It was at this point that GP suggested that if I had been wearing the same glasses for all that time, perhaps I ought to go for another eye test. Well, of course, I've already done that and I can pick up one pair tomorrow but the second pair (the ones that had to go back for new lenses because the manufacturers hadn't put the right lenses in the frame) still isn't back yet.

Then it was a quick chat about my dodgy hip and how I am coping with that (and whether or not I am getting enough exercise because of it) and a quick run through my latest blood test which shows that all my levels are within normal limits (except for the couple which we know are always outside the norms; I'm just a bit different to everybody else) and it was time for me to leave and walk up to the chemist's to get my prescription dealt with. All that and I was in with my GP for only 12 minutes.

Once I was back home again, I decided that I would sit down with my knitting and try to get the hat finished. After all, the rows were going to be getting shorter and therefore each would be taking me less time as I progressed. Things were going nicely until suddenly I found that I just couldn't get the pattern right. It's quite difficult trying to keep the Fair Isle pattern going at the same time as I am decreasing stitches. Why couldn't I get it right? Because I had made a stupid mistake in the row before and now I am going to have to unpick that row so that I can put it right.

The hat is definitely not going to be finished tonight!

Sleeping For England

After more than a week with little or no sleep at night, yesterday evening I took the medication that I got from my GP went to bed at about 7.30pm and was asleep very quickly. I slept through the night, except for a couple of calls of nature, and I slept through the morning and eventually woke up about half an hour ago.

I am still very sleepy from the tablets, and I am definitely not in a fit state to drive or operate machinery, but I shall get myself something to eat, sort out a DVD to watch, and have an afternoon with my knitting.

I hate it when depression robs me of the ability to sleep. I can usually continue to operate in a normal way for a week or so before I know that I have to resort to some sort of medication to help me. The problem with the additional medication is that it robs me of the ability to do anything meaningful for the first few days that I take it. I remain woozy for hours after I have woken up and nothing is very easy to achieve, even the simplest task.

The next couple of weeks are undoubtedly going to be difficult for me. I shall continue to do whatever I can to maintain a normal life (or what passes for normal for me) and try to ensure that I eat something everyday and sleep at least for a few hours every night. I know that this horrible darkness will pass and I will survive to come out the other side. After all, I have done it so many times over the last 11 years.

More Inappropriate Clothing

Following on from yesterday's post, I am going to have a moan about something else that I find somewhat embarrassing to see.

I am overweight; I admit it. Like many people who suffer from severe depression I have problems with eating properly, and I am also one of those people who unfortunately have found that certain antidepressants have caused weight gain. I pretty much remained the same weight throughout my married life. When my husband died I would have been able to wear my wedding dress without too much difficulty, which after a period of more than 20 years would have been quite an achievement. When my husband died I stopped eating; weight just fell off me and none of my clothes fitted me any more. After being diagnosed with depression I was put on an antidepressant, but after a few months it was making no difference to my mood, so a change of medication was decided upon. This was when my problems began. The new medication made a significant difference to my mood, but it also caused me to start putting on weight without me having changed my eating habits in any significant way.

At first the weight gain was not too bad; I got back to the weight that I had been for many years before, but the weight kept piling on. I joined a gym and went most mornings before I went to work, but this made no real difference; I still put on more weight. More changes in medication have meant that I no longer put on weight, but I find it extremely difficult to lose the gain that occurred all those years ago. Not working means that belonging to a gym is not financially possible, but then neither do I seem to have the energy or enthusiasm to undertake formal exercise. Perhaps this is in part to do with my advancing years, but I know that it is also due to my constantly finding it difficult to just get through the day, let alone get enthusiastic for something that is such hard work. So I walk; I walk wherever I can and I try to get out everyday if the weather is acceptable.

One thing that I have tried to do is to dress in clothes that are suitable for my size. This means that I am not going to be seen in something that is skin tight and skimpy. I try to wear things that I am comfortable in and that hopefully cover the parts that I feel most uncomfortable about.

I am not alone in being overweight. Much of the population shares this problem and we are constantly being warned that obesity is becoming one of the major health problems in this country. Unfortunately many of those who are overweight do not seem to share my embarrassment about the problem and therefore forget that they do not have a model figure and should not wear clothes that are meant for those who are slim.

Just as I hate to see men with alabaster-white legs wearing shorts, so I hate to see women with huge bums and thighs wearing skin-tight jeans, and even worse, leggings. What on earth possesses them to dress in this inappropriate way? Do they not realise just how ridiculous they look?

New Medication And A Growing Shawl

Yesterday's trip to see my GP has resulted in a change of medication to see if this will help to improve the way that I am feeling. The problem is that it always takes a few weeks before the drug has been in the system for long enough to start to make improvement possible, and in the meantime the bad feelings remain. I've been on so many antidepressants over the last 10 years that it seems as though I have tried them all. I haven't, but it sometimes seems that way.

Today the fifth clue for the Shawl KAL has been posted, so I have this evening's knitting already planned; I might even start working on it this afternoon. The problem is that the number of stitches on each row is well up past 400, in fact it is approaching 500, and it is taking longer to knit each row. From being able to knit a couple of rows each minute in the early days, it now takes in excess of 20 minutes to knit each row. But the pattern unfolding as I knit is so beautiful that it makes it all worthwhile.

One thing that I know is that it will be lovely to sit watching television, or knitting something else, in the winter with this shawl arapped around my shoulders to keep out the effects of the winter chill.

Following The Doctor's Orders

I've been very good and followed my doctor's instructions.  I spent much of Friday and most of Saturday in bed, I've taken the medication as prescribed, I've spent a lot of the time asleep, and today I am feeling a lot better.

It no longer feels as though I have golf balls in my throat and the cotton wool seems to have been taken out of my ears although there is some slight fuzziness in my hearing.  The worst aspects of the cold seem to have disappeared for I no longer need to blow my nose every few minutes, but I have a cough which seems to explode from me every now and again and which has the ability to cause me to see stars and to become giddy and at risk of falling over if I am standing up.

This morning I have been out for a short walk to the local newsagent.  Fortunately the wind has died down a little from that of last night and early this morning, and while it is not overly cold I did make sure that I was well wrapped up.  I wasn't out for long, but this little bit of exercise has tired me out indicating how weak I have become over the last few days.  I am sure that I will soon start to feel more normal again and that there will be no lasting ill-effects from these infections, but they have made me realise just how difficult it is being ill when you live on your own and have no family near by.

So the rest of today is going to be spent taking care of myself and trying to ensure that I am as fit as possible for tomorrow because I have an appointment with a video camera tomorrow afternoon and it won't look too good on the video if I am coughing and spluttering my way through my presentation.

Manic Monday

Sometimes you have one of those days where everything happens. Today has been one of them for me, hence Manic Monday. I knew that I had a few things to do, but I was not expecting to be running around like an idiot.

The day started normally enough with me waking at some unreasonable hour because of my bad sleeping pattern.  I didn't mind because apart from having to do a few things this morning I was expecting the rest of the day to be quiet and I really thought that I would have a restful afternoon.  I couldn't have been more wrong.

I went to see my GP for my normal monthly visit.  I did need to talk to him about the allergic conjunctivitis which is becoming a real nuisance, but I thought it would be a quick in and out appointment.  No, GP decided that he would check how I was, what I was doing for Christmas, whether I was having enough communication with others, and so it went on.  My 10 minute appointment extended to 25 minutes because my GP was keen to make sure that I wouldn't have a crisis over the next few days.  I was embarrassed about walking out through the waiting room when I did eventually leave because of those who were going to be late for their appointments, but it really wasn't my fault.  And there are some who seem to think that our GPs don't seem to understand or care about their patients.  I can tell them that they are wrong.

After leaving the surgery I had to go into town to the Post Office; I needed to send a package by special delivery.  There was a huge queue in there, but they did have lots of positions open so I didn't have to wait too long.  Then it was a walk back towards home via the chemist to get the anti-histamine tablets and the eyes drops that my GP had given me a prescription for.  I only had to wait a couple of minutes for them and it was time to go home.

So by 11am I was ready for an easy day, maybe doing a little bit of one of my TMAs and a bit of knitting if I felt like it.  But that was when the doorbell started ringing, and it seemed to ring every 10 minutes.  It was one delivery service after another with various things that I had ordered over the last week or so.  And my next-door neighbour came with a card and a present.  Every time that I attempted to go to the loo, the bell rang again.

Fortunately things seem to have calmed down now.  I have given up any idea of working on the TMA today, so I am watching television and contemplating picking up my knitting to do a few rows.  I shall heat something in the microwave a bit later to have for my dinner, and I shall head to bed fairly early, take some medication to help with sleeping tonight, and hopefully sleep the whole night through.  Tomorrow I have to go to the local sorting office to pick up a parcel that the postman tried to deliver while I was out this morning, then I shall get the few bits of fresh fruit and vegetables that I need for the rest of the week, and I shall head home with no intention of leaving the house again until Christmas is over.  I shall lay out my study materials in three piles on my desk, one for each of the three TMAs that I need to do over the next couple of weeks, and I shall spend a couple of hours each day on them, drafting my essays and then typing everything up.

Lets hope that Manic Monday doesn't lead on to Traumatic Tuesday.

A Very Emotional Ride

For the first time for several weeks I actually managed to sleep last night and I didn't resort to medication to bring it about for the reason that although the medication does ensure sleep, it also means that most of the morning also passes without me being conscious and that doesn't bode well for a psychotherapy session. I fell asleep quite quickly last night and while I did wake in the night, I did manage to get back to sleep and I was woken by the alarm going off.

I got up and did all the normal Friday morning ritual, but somewhere along the way I managed to be quite a bit later than normal in leaving the house.  I wasn't too worried because I always arrive early for my 10 o'clock appointment, so catching a later bus didn't worry me too much; I was sure that I would be there in plenty of time for my appointment.  I was.  In fact, I arrived earlier than I do most Fridays.  Explain that if you can.

When the psychotherapy session started, I didn't.  I found myself unable to speak, I just had no idea what to say.  In the end my psychotherapist got things going by asking whether there was a reason why I had gone back to the silent starts of earlier sessions after having been able to speak straight away for several sessions. He put forward several suggestions as to why this may be and in the end I had to agree it was a combination of all of them.  I was scared that the subject of Christmas might arise again, I have been feeling very low over the last few weeks and there doesn't seem to be anything on the horizon to brighten my viewpoint, and I was angry about the missed sessions.

The session progressed focusing on why I was feeling so depressed, and how I actually felt.  I was already crying and talking about these things didn't make it any easier.  I talked about not being able to sleep except with the help of drugs, about when I did sleep having nightmares that caused me to wake in a high state of anxiety, about not wanting to eat because it was just too difficult to cook myself something, about being unable to study efficiently or effectively because of lack of concentration, how my head and body did not feel connected, and how I wished I could go to sleep and just never wake up again.

The word suicide never actually got spoken, but it hung in the air and both of us knew that this was what we were talking about.  Was I thinking about suicide?  Had I made plans for such a thing?  Some years ago I really did consider it regularly, and I made the mistake (well it seemed like a mistake at the time) of making it clear that I was at the stage where I saw that as the only option in a conversation with Mr Smiley.  I think that he was horrified that I was at this stage and asked me what would happen if I didn't succeed, but ended up in a vegetative state or something similar as a result of a failed attempt.  I think that in that conversation Mr Smiley managed to persuade me that it was not a good idea, and that it was worth carrying on.  I think the only reason that I have never seriously considered actively taking my life since that time is that after the conversation with Mr Smiley, I realized that I was a coward and did not have the strength to carry it out, nor to do anything else to harm myself.  Yet, for all that I still wish that I could go to sleep and never wake up again.

The conversation moved on to the subject of anger; to the things that had happened to me and which of them caused me to be angry.  I can't be angry with my husband for dying, it wasn't his fault it was one of those things; I can't be angry with my mother for the way that she treated me because I don't believe that she realized what she was doing and how it affected me; but I am angry about the way that I was treated at work and how I was discriminated against, not given any support,  how I was asked to look into problems and to develop ways to deal with them, but then anything that I put forward was just ignored.  I think that I have always known that it was work, or the management there, that was responsible for my ongoing depression, developing lack of self-confidence, and total destruction of all self-esteem.  Having reached a natural break, and with 11 o'clock fast approaching, my psychotherapist decided that this was a good place to stop and a suitable place to pick up things again next week.   Yes, it was a very emotional ride this morning but I managed to survive the experience.

It was one of the most emotional sessions for some time, and hard work, but I left the hospital feeling that I had been properly engaged in the psychotherapy and even though I wasn't feeling on top of the world, I would be able to get through the rest of the day without too much trouble.  Instead of heading home, as I would normally, I had to cross the road and get a bus to take me to the local DHL depot so that I could collect a package of books from the OU.  This package contained the remaining books and the specimen exam paper for my Human Biology course.  I collected the package without too much trouble and then got the bus back home.

On arrival at home I realized just how hungry I was (I hadn't felt like breakfast this morning, and I realized that I hadn't taken my morning medication either) so I sorted myself out and then grilled some salmon which I had with pesto sauce.  I also did something that I haven't done for a long time; I had a glass of wine with my lunch.  Of course, I now realize that it was a mistake because I am feeling a little light-headed, somewhat heavy-legged, and as though I could fall asleep at any moment.  

I now feel fairly composed, I know that I have been crying because I have that heavy feeling in my head, but I am now feeling quite calm and ready to face the rest of today.  Mind you, the rest of the day is going to be spent relaxing, watching a couple of films and anything that is worthwhile on the television, and with doing some knitting.  The rest of the Christmas cards will have to wait until tomorrow now; I just can't be asked at the moment.

I Lost Saturday - But Why?

Friday evening was spent watching a bit of television and then spending an hour or so doing some proofreading for Project Gutenberg. I went to bed at a reasonable hour and after reading a few pages from my current bed-time book, I fell asleep quickly. I think that I slept pretty well, I certainly didn't wake up until about 7am, but as it was Saturday, a day that I treat as 'my day' so I can do whatever I want, I decided to stay in bed for a little longer. But before I got too carried away with doing my thing, I decided that I ought to take my morning medication, so I got the pills, knocked them back with a really good drink of water, and then tidied up the bed before climbing back in it again. If I fell asleep again, that was fine, but otherwise I thought that it would be nice to lie in bed reading my book before getting up to do some chores.

I'm not sure how long I read for, I don't think it was for very long, and I don't remember feeling myself dropping off. but I woke up again at about midday, looked around me, and promptly fell asleep again. I next woke at about 5.30pm, then at 9.15pm, at which time I managed to drag myself out of bed, make myself something to eat, and then eat it. So that was Saturday gone, but the problem was I wasn't sure why or how this had happened.

I have written before about how I have periods where I don't sleep properly and then quite suddenly my body just decides that it can take no more and I seem to spend a day sleeping to allow my body, and probably my brain, to recuperate. However, although I had not been sleeping well for some days, I didn't think that I was that bad yet and if I was to have one of these periods it probably would not come for at least another week. But I realized that there might be another explanation.

Now before you start to think, "She's lost her marbles", I'm going to head off at a bit of a tangent here, but I can assure you it is relevant, and you'll understand where I am coming from in the end. I am very good and always read the patient information leaflet included with prescription drugs (and usually over-the-counter medication too), paying particular attention to the section about possible side-effects. I know that most people never suffer from any of these undesirable effects, some may suffer from one of them, very rarely maybe more that one, but they do represent a 'get-out clause' for the drug manufacturers if you happen to be one of the unfortunates who do react to the drug. I wasn't always so conscientious in this matter, but I had some quite serious reactions to a couple of anti-depressants in the early days of my depression, when we were still trying to find the right drug for me, so since then I have made sure that I am aware of what may happen when I take a new medication.

On Friday my GP started me on medication for my high blood pressure and yesterday morning I took my first dose. The leaflet says quite clearly, in two separate places, that the tablets may make you feel sleepy, so is it possible that it was this tablet that caused me to spend so much of the day asleep? When I took the tablet yesterday, I took it on an empty stomach; this morning I have made sure that I have had something to eat before taking it. Now I have to see what happens as the morning progresses. I'll be honest and say that although I slept pretty much all day yesterday, I had absolutely no trouble sleeping last night. And I can't but help think that I could lie down again now and easily go off to the Land of Nod.

So I am going to have to take things easy today, see how I feel as the day and the week progresses, and if I can't stop sleeping perhaps pay my GP another visit just to check that things are alright.