Now All I have To Do Is Wait

Job interviews are horrible but waiting to hear whether you have got the job or not is probably even worse.

I managed to get up when the alarm went this morning although I would have loved to go back to sleep, get myself ready, and then leave the house in the time frame that I had set for myself. It seemed very strange getting myself dressed in a suit for the first time in about four years and I felt the cold as soon as I left the house to walk to the bus stop. During this cold winter I have been wearing thick tights and thick trousers on my bottom half and a T-shirt, jumper, and fleece on my top half and on top of all that wearing a nice thick padded jacket when I went out of the house. This morning it was just a blouse with my suit, although I did have some thickish tights on under the trousers, and my padded jacket. I forgot to pick up my gloves as I left the house so it didn't take long for my hands to get really cold and waiting for the bus, the cold really got to my core.

I knew the way to the GP practice where the interviews were being held having looked at the Transport for London website, but I find that it can still be very difficult to judge how long it is going to take you to walk from the bus stop to wherever you are aiming for. As it turned out it didn't take as long as I thought to walk that last bit of the way and I arrived at the practice building at just after 8.30am for my 9am interview. As usual I was there early, and after having reported to the reception, explained that I was there for an interview and then taken a seat in the waiting room, the extra time did mean that I could start to thaw out a bit before I was escorted upstairs by 'B' to the room where the interviews were being conducted.

As we climbed the stairs, 'B' told me that there were a couple of problems. The first was that 'M' who was supposed to be doing the interviews with him (she was from the PCT) was unable to be present so he had seconded a member of staff from the practice to be the second interviewer. that didn't seem to be much of a problem to me. The second problem could have been far more of a concern. 'B' said, "Have you brought your presentation on a memory stick, by any chance?" Well, of course I had. Didn't I say that I was a belt and braces person the other day? I was able to reply in the affirmative and 'B' was not at all surprised because he knows that I usually have my presentation on a memory stick when we go anywhere, even if we had already emailed them to wherever we were doing our double act.

The interview involved lots of questions, but then that is obvious. They ranged from what was your last/current job, what did you enjoy about it most and what did you like least. These were pretty easy for me seeing as I have really had only one job during my working life because I did the same thing both in the RAF and the Civil Service. Then the questions started about the job that I was being interviewed for. I have to be honest and admit that the questions probably played to my strengths and even the one about what I would do if I was at a practice and all the GPs except one were in favour of giving their patients online access to their medical records but as it was the senior partner who was against it they wouldn't say anything to try to persuade him to change his mind. This is where the gentle art of persuasion comes into play and I said as much. But if such an occasion was to arise, the final thing that can be used to persuade the recalcitrant senior partner is the fact that patients actually have a legal right to see their medical records and it would actually be easier to allow this to happen online than it would be to have patients regularly turning up at the practice to see them.

After about 20 minutes of questions I was asked to go through my presentation. This was the easy bit as far as I was concerned because I was only having to present to two people something that was a lot simpler than I would normally have to present. The fact that I am actually quite passionate about the subject probably helps, so at the end of it all I was reasonably pleased with how things had gone. As is normal at the end of an interview, I was asked if I had any questions for the interviewers, but I couldn't think of anything at the time, and I'm not sure that even now I can think of anything that I could have asked. The interview ended with me being asked if I was to get the job when I would be able to start. That was the easiest question of the lot. I said that I had psychotherapy on a Tuesday morning and that I was already booked to do the lecture at one of the London universities at the beginning of March, but really I could start any time that was acceptable to both parties.

'B' accompanied me back downstairs to the waiting room and we chatted a little about our visit to the House of Commons next week for the round table discussions. We still have not heard anything more about this so I may have to contact the Shadow Health Secretary's research assistant for details of where and who we have to report to.

After leaving the practice building, I made my way to the bus stop so that I could get the bus to the hospital for my psychotherapy appointment. I had time for a cup of tea before my appointment and I really enjoyed it as I was rather dry in the mouth after all that talking and nervousness. When my psychologist came to collect me for the session I commented on being a bit overdressed (in comparison to how I am normally dressed for my appointments) because of having just attended a job interview. When I saw him last week I hadn't received the invitation to the interview so he didn't know anything about it.

What was really great about today's session was that instead of dealing with my emotions and getting me to let them out as is the normal pattern of the session, we talked about how the interview had gone, about the fact that it is only a 6-month contract and if I got the job how I would feel when it was over, about my previous psychotherapy and how I had felt when it ended, and lots more things about my life and my feelings of abandonment. It was a good session and I think that it was just what I needed after the interview. I think that it allowed my psychologist to learn a lot more about me and how I can best be helped. He definitely feels that I need to be referred back to the main hospital where I had the earlier psychotherapy because I need long-term psychotherapy and if this is successful that it is likely to reduce my relapses into depression and should mean that I will never need to be be hospitalised again.

I guess that the only way that I can finish this post is to say a very big thank you to all of you who have sent me good luck wishes for the interview. I truly appreciate your comments and wishes and it only remains for me to say what a truly nice bunch of people bloggers are. I'll let you know whether I have got the job as soon as I hear anything.

Taking A Nosedive

I didn't write a post for this blog yesterday. Okay, so that's not a big thing but since the start of the year I have been trying to write something every day. I have been trying to finish the eighth part of Tackling The Mental Health Minefield this afternoon and I hope to have it published some time today, but it isn't easy as my mood has taken a bit of a nosedive over the last couple of days.

I went to bed early Thursday night as I found that I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. I was asleep by 8.30pm, woke again at about 12.30am and took my night-time medication (minus sleep medication because I didn't think that I was going to need it), fell asleep again almost immediately and then didn't wake until about 10am. I got myself something to eat, took my morning medication and went back to bed again. I then managed to sleep again although this time it was only for a short time.

I didn't get much done during the afternoon and while I was playing Mah Jong on the Nintendo DSi I actually managed to drop off without being aware that I was feeling tired. It was only momentary because I woke with a jerk when my head fell forward as I was sitting on the settee. I was finding it difficult to focus on anything for longer than about five minutes so I settled down to spend the evening sitting watching television but by 9pm I knew that I would have to head back to bed again.

I woke today at 11am having slept for more than 12 hours. This is often the pattern that occurs when I am starting to sink into depression again and having had a few days of feeling reasonably well I am rather annoyed that I seem to be sinking into depression again so quickly.

I'm not sure what has caused this to happen. It may be that the anxiety about the interview on Tuesday is causing it, but I hope not. I don't need the additional pressure of feeling absolutely sh*t through depression on top of the anxiety about performing at my best. I know that I can do this job, after all what I will be required to do is something that I have been doing for some time already. I am quite passionate about patients having access to their medical records and I believe that a patient is the best person to persuade the doctors of the benefits that can accrue from this, particularly when it is done online.

So, this afternoon I am not going to think about the interview. I still need to put the finishing touches to my presentation but that can be done tomorrow. Instead I am going to spend time completing another post for this blog about my time in hospital and then do a bit of reading before going to bed at a reasonable time. Then tomorrow I shall get up early, finish the presentation, get all the paperwork together, get my clothes ready for Tuesday, and when I have done all that I shall spend some time doing whatever I want to. Maybe it will be some knitting (I haven't done any for quite a few days now), perhaps it will be playing a game on the Nintendo, perhaps it will be a bit of reading.

I just need to stop thinking about the interview and concentrate on making sure that I am feeling as good as possible for Tuesday. Easier said than done, I know, but I shall do my best.

A Brief Update

After a few nights of not sleeping particularly well and a certain amount of anxiety over my psychotherapy session and the forthcoming job interview, I took my sleep medication last night and I slept. Admittedly it was nearly 2am before I dropped off but it was definitely the medication causing the sleep because I just could not keep my eyes open a moment longer and I literally fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I woke up at about 10.30 to answer a call of nature and then climbed back into bed and instantly fell asleep again until nearly 3pm. this means that I have pretty much lost my day, but I do feel completely rested and while it means that I probably won't get any work done on preparing my presentation for the interview today, I will feel better tomorrow and can get to work nice and early and hopefully complete it then.

I went to see my GP yesterday afternoon and I had a lot to tell him. We talked about my being in the mental health loop now after my stay in hospital and how I seem to be getting the help that I need. Then we talked about how the news about Mr Smiley had affected me. My blog was the next subject of conversation. I told him about the Mental Nurse TWIM Award and how my readership has increased dramatically since starting to write the Tackling the Mental Health Minefield posts. Then we talked about the job interview and he wished me luck. Eventually we actually got to the reason that I had gone to see him. Over the last few weeks I have been getting occasional pains in my right leg. They can occur at any time, are excruciatingly painful and last for just a second. The pain is very sharp and feels as though it is in the bone rather than being muscular. "Shin splints" he said and had a look at my leg and the place where I was feeling the pain. So with a weight off my mind knowing it wasn't anything too serious I said that I needed a prescription for most of my medication. We went through the long list of things that I take on a regular basis and apart from GTN spray and the cream for my eczema I needed everything. The prescription printed out and signed and then I was on my way to the chemist to get the prescription filled and walked home with a carrier bag full of pills.

I think that it was the first time that I have been to see my GP for many months and not cried at some point through the appointment. I see this as a good thing because it is a real indicator of how my mood is improving. Now I have to hope that my confidence will start returning so that I can do well at my interview next week. And while we are on the subject of the interview, I would like to thank all of you who have sent me good luck wishes. I really appreciate the fact that you have taken time out of your day to read my blog and send me a comment.

Diary Of A (Mostly) Bad Week

Monday
A Bank Holiday and all that means. Feeling depressed and unable to concentrate on anything for very long. Feeling sorry for myself because another year has gone by and I am getting older and the aches and pains take longer to go away.

Tuesday
My birthday and things start to go wrong almost immediately. Mr Smiley has to cancel our lunch date, the postman doesn't bring me any birthday cards, and then There and Back lets me know that she isn't very well so won't be able to travel up to London for our day out together on Wednesday. All I can do is cry; this wasn't how I wanted my birthday to be.

Wednesday
There and Back may not be able to join me but I still go to the theatre. I walk to the bus stop, a bus arrives within a few minutes and almost immediately after boarding the bus it starts to pour with rain. I arrive at Cambridge Circus and miraculously the rain stops just as I get off the bus. I cross the road to have some lunch (it rains while I am in the restaurant) and then I head for the theatre. It's only a few minutes walk and still more about 45 minutes before the show is due to begin but there is already a queue starting to form outside the theatre.

I join the queue and after a few minutes it starts to move as the doors open and we are admitted. I quickly find my seat, get myself comfortable and look forward to watching my favourite (and the nation's) favourite musical. This is the first time that I have seen it performed at this theatre (Queen's); previously I had seen it several times at the Palace Theatre, and one thing that I notice early on is that the set is different from that which I was used to.

It didn't take me long to fall under its spell and the three hours of the show went by in a flash. As usual the performances were wonderful and the cast received a well-deserved standing ovation. Once the show was over, I put my coat on, gathered up the rest of my belongings and headed out into the street to make my way to the bus stop. I was again lucky with a bus arriving within a few minutes of me arriving at the bus stop and like my journey to the theatre, it was not long before it started to rain. When it was time for me to get off the bus the rain had stopped again and I walked the short distance home. Ten minutes later it started to rain again and continued for the next four hours.

How on earth had I managed to stay dry all day?

Thursday
Up early as I had to travel into London again, this time to attend a workshop about patients having online access to their pathology data. The workshop had been organised by the Department of Health and most of the attendees were pathologists, although there were a couple of GPs, a number of other doctors, at least one chief executive of a foundation trust and a number of senior people from the Department of Health. I was the only patient present, and while the idea of the workshop was to discuss the possibility of patients having access to their pathology data, my presentation was to show that some of us already have that capability.

Unlike all the other presentations which comprised numerous PowerPoint slides, my presentation used the internet and my medical record to show what can already be done by some patients in this country. The presentation went down well and during lunch I was asked many questions about the system that I was demonstrating and the benefits that I felt it gave me.

I met lots of lovely people at the workshop. I find that doctors are generally a lovely group of people to give presentations to and this group was no different. I met several professors who were very interested in what is already available in General Practice, and the President of one of the Royal Colleges has asked if I would give a presentation to the Royal College in the New Year.

I find this work, although I don't get paid for it, very worthwhile and even though I am a bundle of nerves before each presentation, I find that once I start talking the nerves disappear.

Thursday turned out to be a pretty good day.

Friday
I was very tired when I got home on Thursday and it did not take me long to get to sleep and once asleep that was how I wanted to stay. I slept most of Friday morning, had a nap in the afternoon and still managed to go to bed and fall asleep at a relatively early hour. I didn't achieve anything because I just didn't have the energy for it, but catching up with some sleep did make me feel a little better.

Saturday
Another day pretty much lost to sleep. I did manage to go out and do some food shopping and the walk did me some good. The afternoon and evening was spent half listening to the far off public address system at the Guides' rally at Crystal Palace and when the fireworks started I watched those that rose into the sky from my bedroom window. Having had so much sleep over the last couple of days I had problems dropping off, but eventually I managed it and slept through the night without waking up at all, a fairly unusual event.

Sunday
I've not been looking forward to today; it is the anniversary of my husband's death. Lots of tears at frequent intervals but I have managed to do a few chores and to do some knitting. My circular shawl is growing and I have only about another 30 rows to do before I start work on the border; work on it will certainly slow down then as I try to manipulate the border on two needles and join that to the shawl which is on another needle.

The 'Print O' The Wave' stitch panels are growing and the shape of the pattern is starting to become clear.

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It's not been my best week ever, but I seem to have survived it and hopefully things will start to improve a little now.

A Quick Update

Just a quick post to say that it was great seeing Les Miserables again after all these years, and strange seeing it in a different theatre. I'll write more about my day (which wasn't quite what it was meant to be) later because today I am off to give a presentation about patients having access to their medical records, and in particular pathology data, to some important people at the Department of Health. There will be lots of professors and doctors there, so nerves are already building.

Another Presentation

I have to give another presentation about patients having access to their medical records this week. This time it is to some of the members of the local PCT including local council members and possibly local MPs.

The GP surgery at which I am registered has allowed its patients to have full access to their medical records for about 30 years and was the first in the country to allow patients access to their records online. While there are now 50 or more practices that allow this, it is something that is possible in at least 60% of the GP practices in the country and yet it is not yet available to patients even though it is available at no cost.

This week's presentation will be made using my PowerPoint slides because I have only a limited time in which to make my presentation, but I am sure that there will be lots of questions after the presentation; there always is.

Frustration

My mood, while not exactly brilliant, has been reasonably stable over the last few days, but sleep has been something else. I sleep well when I use medication to help, probably too well, but sleep badly when I don't.

I had a very successful day giving a presentation to GPs and Practice Managers for one of our Strategic Health Authorities last Wednesday, and then got roped in to talk to some high ranking people from most of the Strategic Health Authorities in England that evening. It made for a very long day, having left home at about 5.50am and not arriving back home again until 10.20pm, but I think it was worth it because they were all very interested in what I had to say about patients having access to their GP medical records online. I am due to give another presentation in a couple of weeks, this time to my local Primary Care Trust, and in September I will be making a presentation and taking part in a discussion at the Department of Health.

I am always very nervous and anxious for a couple of days before each of these events, but a bit like an old trouper on the stage, once the spotlight is on me I seem to be able to hold my own in front of the audience and I always get super feedback from those who attend the presentations. It seems that hearing things from a patient makes a big difference to their appreciation of the subject. After these events I then suffer a real adrenalin high that lasts for 24-48 hours, almost like a manic period, before crashing back down into depression. Fortunately, the collapse into depression has not been so severe this time, but neither has it been a bed of roses.

My knitting has been causing me some problems over the last week or so. After having had some problems that resulted in me having to unpick a few rows, I managed to get back on track and was progressing well. Then, on Sunday, I discovered an error which required me to have to unpick some rows again. Only one and a half rows this time but it was annoying all the same. I had only six more rows to knit until I got to the end of the main part of the shawl and could start on the edging (the pattern for which I still have to create). I decided to take a break from the knitting yesterday, but started work on the unpicking today, corrected the mistake and then was progressing well until I found that I had one stitch too many in a particular part of the pattern which was obvious and would require me to start unpicking again. This time it needs about five rows to be unpicked so this is going to be a long job.

Hence the frustration. It seems that this shawl is determined to cause me as many problems as it possibly can before I finish it. I'll see how I am feeling tomorrow before deciding to do any work on it. At times I feel like pulling the needle out and unravelling the lot but I know that this is silly and I would regret it the moment that I started doing it.

I may be feeling frustrated by it, even despairing a little, but I am not that desperate yet.

Paying The Penalty

We are certainly paying the penalty today for the recent hot weather. Here in my part of London it has been raining on and off for most of the day and at the moment it is very dark and not only is the rain teeming down but we have thunder and lightning too. I had to pop out this morning to get some money and a few bits of shopping and while it was dry and the sun was attempting to shine when I left the house, the rain started as I left the last shop and was chucking it down as I walked home. Fortunately I was wearing my waterproof jacket so I didn't get too wet.

However, the benefit of this is that the temperature has come down to a far more acceptable level and it is now possible to sleep at night; well it would be if I could sleep. I'm still having problems sleeping because of the depression but I am doing a little better each night so I am not permanently tired like I have been for the last three weeks or so.

Meanwhile, I have managed to sort out the problems that I was having with my knitting and things are moving along well. I am now on the penultimate chart and this is an easy one in comparison with most of the others. So hopefully progress will continue without too many problems while I am working this chart, but I know that there could be problems when I move to the last one because it is the most complicated of them all. I still have to decide what I am going to do as an edging, but I am feeling more confident about that than I was a week or so ago.

Tomorrow I have to go on a train journey so I hope that the weather improves a little. I certainly don't want it to rain like it has today. I am spending the day with a Strategic Health Authority as part of a team of doctors and patients talking about and giving presentations on patients having access to their medical records. This is something that I seem to be doing fairly regularly now and for the first time I have actually been given a decent amount of time to go through my presentation, so this time I intend to do it with the live system instead of using a PowerPoint presentation. It should be interesting!

Presentations To The GP Registrars

Sorry for the delay in writing about my day with the GP Registrars. After a bit of a high immediately after the presentations I sunk into darkness again, but I am now ready to reflect on the day.

I arrived just before lunch which gave me the opportunity to touch base with 'B' with whom I do the presentations and we established the pattern that we would follow for each of the three workshops that we would be presenting. That gave us time to decide whether I would risk attempting to use the 'live' system or use the PowerPoint presentation that I have created for such occasions. We decided to settle for the PowerPoint; this would mean that there was less likelihood of there being any problems.

Then we joined the attendees and organizers for an enjoyable buffet lunch. It gave me the opportunity to say hello to a couple of people who I had met at the first presentation that I had given in this establishment way back in November last year. Then it was time to make our way to the room in which the workshops were to be carried out and await the arrival of the first group.

'B' gave the background to what we were going to be talking about and how it was possible for this system to be used by 60% of the GP practices in the country, and then it was my turn to speak about patients having online access to their medical records and the benefits that could accrue from it. After my presentation it was time for the attendees to ask questions and to give their viewpoint which led to some lively discussions.

The reaction by each group to the presentation was different. The first group included several in their number who were openly hostile to the idea that patients should have access to their medical records, let alone be able to see them online. Even the reminder that I, as a patient, had a legal right to see my medical records could not dissuade them from their views.

The second group seemed to be fairly neutral to the idea at first, but after listening to what we had to say in the presentation and what came up in the follow-up discussion seemed to understand how there could be significant benefits for both the GP and the patient.

The third group were in general quite open to the idea before the presentation and became very positive towards the concept as a result of it and the discussion afterwards. Perhaps the difference that was seen in this group was as a result of most of them being in the final stages of their training whereas the other two groups had many more who were at earlier stages, or perhaps it was just the attitude shown by a few of the more vociferous members of those groups that led me to these conclusions.

After the workshops there was a break for tea and biscuits before the final session which included a quiz and the final roundup by the Professor who was head of the group who had organized the study day. Then we were invited to join the attendees in a glass (or two) of wine and informal chat. 'B' thanked me for joining him in making the presentations which he believes benefit from having a patient doing most of the presentation and being there to give the patient's point of view. He then had to leave because of other commitments but I stayed and joined one group of GP registrars with whom I spent a most enjoyable hour discussing the relationship between GP and patient and how best to achieve a good relationship.

On the whole I found these GPs in training lovely group of people, but I did have concerns about one or two who seemed to have little real idea about the patients that they would be treating in the future. There were several who seemed to think that just because their future patients had not been to medical school that they were of low intelligence. I can't help thinking that this is a very dangerous and stupid way of thinking for people wanting to work in general practice. I pointed out to one of them who made a comment about the intelligence of their future patients that there was no way of knowing anything about a patient's background or education from an initial glance at their medical record. I am quite sure that someone with a PhD in astrophysics for example, is not going to like being spoken to as though they were some sort of intellectual midget. I can only hope that this particular doctor learns a bit more about how to communicate well with patients before they are allowed to deal with those patients on a full-time basis.

Fortunately ideas such as these seemed to be restricted to just one or two of the doctors present and the rest were a really lovely group of individuals many of whom I would be more than happy to have as my GP in the future. It was great to be able to talk to them after the study day and to ask them about the presentation that I had given and whether it had changed their view on the subject. One thing that I did learn was that they had found it a very worthwhile experience to have a patient as one of the presenters at the workshops and that it had allowed them to see something from the patient's point of view rather than from that of a doctor. I have a couple more presentations to give in the coming weeks. One of them is to a Strategic Health Authority and the other is to a PCT. I just have to hope that they go as well.

On Tenterhooks

I'm sitting at home waiting for it to be a reasonable time for me to set out to go to a medical educational establishment in London. It's not the first time that I have been there so I know how to find it, and the presentation that I am to give (three times) is one that I am very familiar with having delivered it a number of times over the last eight months. But familiarity with my subject does not stop me from being very nervous.

I have been booked to give these presentations since my first foray into talking to doctors about the benefits of patients having access to their medical records. It is not yet a year since a chance conversation with my GP led to him asking if I would be willing to talk about my experience with being able to access my medical records online, something that was pioneered by the GP practice that I am with. I described my feelings about that first experience here and here. Since then I have given several more presentations on the subject, and I even feature as a voice over on an online demonstration of what I, as a patient, can see on my medical records and the benefits that can accrue from this.

For those readers who may not have read all my previous posts, I should say at this point that giving presentations at large international conferences was something that I did regularly when I was working. And the delegates at those conferences could be pretty difficult to deal with as it was possible that I was saying things that went totally against their beliefs in the subject areas that I dealt with. But familiarity with my subjects and confidence in my analysis meant that I could deal with hostile questioning without hesitation. However, the severe depression that I suffered from, and which caused me to have to take early retirement on medical grounds, has left me with a complete lack of confidence in myself and I was very nervous about speaking in public again even though my GP reassured me that the audience of doctors would be kind to me.

On the first occasion that I gave the presentation everything that could go wrong, did. It was planned that I would do the presentation using the live system to show how easy it was to use. Unfortunately, between setting everything up for the demonstration and actually having to stand up in front of the audience of doctors, the server at my GP's surgery went down, so no live records, and it became necessary for me to make the presentation using screen shots of the system which I had only seen once and the order of which I was not altogether certain.

Since then I have developed a PowerPoint presentation that allows me to give the presentation tailored to the audience and time available to me. There are nice transitions between the slides, and some nice refinements that have been built in as a result of the sort of questions that the presentation generally elicits. I am familiar with the order of the slides, I know what I have to say about each of them, and I have a slide at the end which sums up the benefits to the patient that such access allows. I know from experience that doctors are a nice audience to make a presentation to and they are especially appreciative of the opportunity to hear the patient's view on the subject.

Yet, I still have butterflies the size of pterodactyls blundering their way about my stomach and an attack of the shakes that would make a withdrawing alcoholic look steady as a rock.

A Cold And A Presentation

I woke this morning and thought that I had escaped the worst ravages of a cold, but late this afternoon I found out that I hadn't. I now have one clear nostril and one that's blocked, so I can at least breathe, my ears feel like they are completely bunged up and I have severe pain in my sinuses.  I think that I am going to have a really good cold with lots of nasty additional features by tomorrow.

But I'm a woman, and notwithstanding how I was feeling this afternoon, I have been out and given another presentation of the computer system that allows patients to see their medical records. It was to a small audience but they were a fairly influential group of people and it is probable that we will be asked to give a presentation to an even more important group of people in the not too distant future.  I was really nervous again before the presentation, but once I got going it was easy.

I'm still feeling very low, but having the presentation to focus on has helped me get through today without too much of a problem. With the presentation out of the way, and a late dinner eaten, I am going to get myself ready for bed and watch a little television before I try to find a comfortable position that allows me to be able to breathe and to get to sleep.  I don't think that will turn out to be very easy.

Sore Throat, Runny Nose - It Must Be A Cold

As if I didn't have enough to contend with at the moment, yesterday afternoon I started to develop a sore throat and a tingling feeling in my nose, and this morning it has developed into a full-blown, feels-like-sandpaper throat, and the tingling feeling in my nose is developing into a running-for-England cold.

I ought to go to the library to avoid distractions while I am working on my TMAs, but feeling as I do, I think it is probably better to work at home.  I need to get as much done today as I can, because tomorrow I am off to give a presentation to an important committee.  My recently-retired GP 'B' and I have 15 minutes to make our presentation and then its time for a debate.  I'm not sure whether this is really going to be a debate, or whether it is a question and answer session.  Whichever it is the committee that we are going to see has a lot of quite important medical people as members.  I hope that it isn't too scary.

Twelfth Night

Today is the twelfth day of Christmas; so my true love would have given me the last of the strange presents in that song.  I don't have a true love and my presents were a little more sparse, but being Twelfth Night, it does mean that the Christmas decorations should be put away for another year, otherwise you will have bad luck.  I didn't put up any decorations this year, but then I didn't put them up last year, or the year before that.  They were put away on New Year's Eve 2005 and haven't seen the light of day since.

For those in the Orthodox Church, today is the day that they celebrate Christ's birth.  It is Epiphany, the time when the Wise Men were supposed to have found the Christ child and given Him their gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.

So for some today marks the end of the Christmas season, while for others it marks the highpoint of their celebration.

I'm feeling a little better today, better than I have for several weeks.  In part, this is because I managed to have a fairly good night's sleep, and that always seems to make a difference.  And partly it is because I managed to finish putting my presentation together for the video that I will be part of tomorrow.  I had lots of problems gathering the screen shots that I required, but I managed to overcome my frustrations and get on with making the PowerPoint slides in between problems.  By 5pm yesterday I had finished preparing the slides and had put together quite a reasonable slide show.

While it is not the best presentation that I have ever put together, it is the first one that I have done for a number of years, and I did it all myself.  Now all I have to do is stand up and give the presentation.  I'm not sure what my anxiety level will be like tomorrow morning, but I am pretty sure the butterflies will be huge by lunchtime.  I'll be glad when tomorrow is over.

The Dragon Didn't Have Teeth After All

Over the last week I have written here and here about giving a demonstration of the patient-access system that my GPs' surgery uses as part of a presentation given by B, who was my GP until his recent retirement. The presentation and demonstration was to be given to an audience of doctors at a medical education establishment in London and I was very nervous about it.

Delivering presentations and demonstrating computer systems were things that I used to do without turning a hair some years ago. However, my worsening depression and acute anxiety meant that I found these things impossible and facing an audience of unknown people filled me with horror. Since having to give up work I have not been required to do such things, and a few months ago I would not have contemplated doing it, but when B asked me to carry out the demonstration because he felt it would add impact to the presentation if done by a patient, I agreed without hesitation. I was still very nervous at the thought, but I have done quite a few things just recently that I would not have considered possible six months ago, so I was willing to give it a try.

The establishment was imposing and I couldn't help but feel nervous as I entered through its doors on Wednesday afternoon and awaited B's arrival so that we could check out the lecture theatre and its audio-visual facilities and discuss how we would approach the presentation. We encountered problems immediately because we found that I could not get logged into the system that I was supposed to be demonstrating.  This did not bode well for me.  However, B had a few screen shots of from the records of a fictitious patient so I went through these to familiarise myself with what they showed and accepted that if necessary I would use those; it wouldn't have the same impact as doing the demonstration for real with a live record, but it was better than nothing.  We chatted for a short while, then tried logging into the database again, and everything worked perfectly, so I ran through what I intended to show and say to B and he proclaimed himself more than satisfied.

At this point we had done all the preparation that we could so we left the lecture theatre and B took me through some of the areas of this august institution and we eventually found ourselves in the bar, where the president of the section to whom we were making the presentation greeted us and we all sat down to chat.  At this point I was still feeling quite calm (somewhat to my surprise) even when being introduced to more and more people who I didn't know.  Eventually  it was time for us to make our way to the lecture theatre, took our seats on the dais, and we were introduced to the audience by the president.  It was at this time, having looked at the sea of faces belonging to complete strangers spread out in front of me that I suddenly felt the well-known signs of anxiety overwhelming me; there was no way I could escape.

B started the presentation giving the background to the subject and explaining how a programme (PAERS) had been developed that interfaced with EMIS, the computer application used by 60% of GP surgeries in this country for patient records.  He explained how patients at the practice were asked what they would like to see in an application that would allow them access to their records and this information was incorporated.  It was at this point I got up to demonstrate the system logged in to the database, well I attempted to, but it just wasn't going to play, so I had to resort to using the screen shots which I had seen for the first time about two hours earlier and hope that I remembered the order in which they came.

After my demonstration during which I gave details of how I used the system to book appointments online, order repeat prescriptions and check any other information that I needed to, I handed back to B who completed the presentation.  There followed a question and answer session which had been scheduled for 20 minutes but in fact continued for over an hour.  At the end of it all, a vote of thanks was given to B and myself, and we departed to our dinner as guests of the institution.

Was the evening a success? The answer to that was a resounding yes, on more than one front.  We succeeded in showing the assembled doctors what was already possible as far as patient access to their records was concerned; speaking as a patient I was able to highlight the multitude of benefits that such access allowed me; and we seem to have convinced those present that it was something worth pursuing.  B and I have been invited to give another presentation next year, this time to an audience of GP Registrars, so it will be our chance to show the next generation of GPs what is possible and available.  On a purely personal note, it gave me an opportunity to  speak in front of a large group of unknown people while at the same time being supported by someone who knew how difficult this was for me and who could help me out if I appeared to falter.

I must, at this point, say that I really appreciated the kindness, courtesy, and genuine interest that was shown by all the members of the esteemed institution who invited B to give the presentation and to B for asking me to take part.  What had caused me a certain amount of anxiety before the event, particularly in respect to the audience, and that had caused me to suggest in this blog that I was putting myself in range of the dragon's teeth, actually turned out to be an experience from which I gained some confidence in my ability to do things again that I had not been able to do for so long.  

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, it was a pleasure meeting you all.