Highlights

Don't get too excited. It was just that I decided that I needed to do something to try to lift my spirits a little. So I rang the hairdresser's this morning and managed to get an appointment to get some highlights put in my hair. I needed something to help to disguise some of the grey.

Unfortunately is hasn't helped much. I'm still feeling desperately low and wondering whether things will ever get better. I am still finding it difficult to focus on anything for more than about five minutes at a time and I haven't even been able to manage to read a book for a couple of weeks now.

In my few rational moments I know that things will get better, but it still doesn't help much. I just wish that the horrible thoughts would go away and that I could be normal again. But I haven't been normal for more than 11 years now and I think that I have forgotten what it is like. Would I even be able to recognise it if it were to happen? I wonder.

Life Sucks

It's a bad day. I haven't spent much time out of bed because I feel so low. There just doesn't seem to be any point in doing anything. I really ought to have gone out today to get some money and a few essential food items, but it was just too cold. I will have to go out tomorrow no matter how I feel otherwise I won't have anything to eat.

At the moment, life really sucks.

Strange Day

Today has been a bit of a strange day. I had thought that I would be feeling much better today after having been given the all clear after my hospital appointment yesterday, but it wasn't to be.

It was way past midnight when I got to sleep and I was awake again by about 5am. Then I dozed a little, but not for very long. I was lying in bed reading at 7am and wondering if it was ever going to get light enough for me not to need a light on when I decided that I would switch the light off, have a few more minutes dozing and then get up. When I woke up again more than five hours later, the morning had passed me by and it still wasn't much lighter than it had been at 7am.

I've managed to make myself a sandwich so that I have had something to eat, and I have managed a few rows of my knitting, but otherwise I don't seem to have the energy or the enthusiasm for anything much. Tonight I am going to try to have an early night, and hopefully I will sleep the night through (aided by some medication) and wake up tomorrow feeling a little less depressed.

Paying For It

I'm paying for having had a good day yesterday.

I've had no sleep, I feel very low, really depressed, and I've spent much of the night crying. Perhaps it's as well that I have psychotherapy today because maybe that will help.  I certainly hope so because I really do not like feeling like this.

Best Wishes For 2009

Okay, so it's 2009.  Why do we make such a big fuss about a new year?  After all, today was just tomorrow yesterday.

I don't feel any different to how I did in 2008; I'm still alone, I'm still depressed, and I'm still wondering why I bother to carry on.  

But it doesn't stop me wishing everyone a Happy New Year and hoping that 2009 turns out to be a good one for you.

Playing Truant

I'm feeling a bit like a naughty schoolgirl today.  I should be spending the day working on TMAs for the two OU courses that I am currently doing, but I am going to play truant.  I did some work yesterday, but today I feel that I need to spend time on myself.

I still have just over a week to get the three TMAs completed so it isn't exactly imperative that I work on them today, but the sooner I get them completed the better.  Yet, today I have woken up and decided that I shall have a lie in, just because I can, and that I shall have a lazy day just doing things that I want to and that I enjoy. This is a little bit naughty because I have just had a couple of days away from studying because I was feeling very depressed and I was unable to concentrate.  But there is a big difference between not doing something because you are unable to, and not doing something because you don't want to.

Today, it is very much a case of the latter.  So I am going to indulge myself.  I'm going to do whatever it is that I feel like doing, and I am going to eat whatever I feel like eating.  I shall be naughty and not count the cost or the calories.  I shall do a bit of knitting, read a book, or watch a film on TV.  If I feel like having a quick nap, that that is what I shall do.  I am going to be selfish and think only of myself today.

I shall just have to work twice as hard tomorrow.  That is one of the penalties for playing truant.