Friday, 19 February 2010


Don't get too excited. It was just that I decided that I needed to do something to try to lift my spirits a little. So I rang the hairdresser's this morning and managed to get an appointment to get some highlights put in my hair. I needed something to help to disguise some of the grey.

Unfortunately is hasn't helped much. I'm still feeling desperately low and wondering whether things will ever get better. I am still finding it difficult to focus on anything for more than about five minutes at a time and I haven't even been able to manage to read a book for a couple of weeks now.

In my few rational moments I know that things will get better, but it still doesn't help much. I just wish that the horrible thoughts would go away and that I could be normal again. But I haven't been normal for more than 11 years now and I think that I have forgotten what it is like. Would I even be able to recognise it if it were to happen? I wonder.


Anonymous said...

'Normality' is an allusive, shape-shifting, mythical beast. I don't think many of us would recognise it if it passed by.
I do hope though that you're able to beat off this persistent, gnarling black dog and find some happiness and peace soon. Not being able to concentrate for long periods of time is infuriating. I'm having the same difficulties myself so i can really sympathise on that one.
Take care and enjoy the new hair-do!

Achelois said...

I think its a good thing to get one's hair 'done'. Indicative I think that you are a little better as it means you are caring about your appearance. Something three months ago I am sure you wouldn't have given a thought to. So perhaps despite the fact that you are feeling as though you have been 'stuck' for the last 11 years, possibly this is a small sign that things are starting to get a little better for you. I am probably wrong but I definately feel a hint of defiance behind you words today indicative perhaps that you are tired of feeling this way and are perhaps ready for change, scary as that may be!

There are people everywhere that care about you despite the fact that in real life we don't meet.

To me you are brave and kind and intelligent. Holding in a great grief so tight you can't let it go. I wish I could wave a magic wand and let all the anguish fly away, so that you could wake tomorrow morning with the sorrow you endure put in a box not to be forgotten but laid to rest awhile so that you can breathe easy again.

I have a blog in my reader which I shall let you know the name of because I can't remember the name right now which holds events all over London. I wonder if you could go to one of their events as I am sure you would find many like minded people there. Basically they are knitters - that being their common interest. Its sounds crass but if I lived in London I would possibly consider joining one of their events as everyone seems so utterly nice. It sounds silly writing it down but it could be a route to finding new friends for laughter and gentle socialisation. A little fun perhaps would break through into the depression not as a complete cure I wouldn't be so bold but as a diversion to everyday life.

Thinking of you and hope tomorrow in some way you can find some inner peace.

Oh and by the way, I have to thank you for blogging as how else would I be able to distract myself from the relentless pain of the ehlers danlos if I didn't have lovely people like you to help me.

Bluesilk said...

I found your blog via Mental Nurse. I think the lack of concentration for reading is one of the most upsetting parts of a depression, mainly because I love to read when I'm not low. Anyway, just wanted to say hi!

BenefitScroungingScum said...

How're you feeling now? I have a great postcard on my wall which reads "I used to be normal but it drove me mad" it helps on those bad days
Thinking of you, BG Xx