I didn't manage a nap yesterday afternoon, nor did I get a good night's sleep last night. I am already starting to feel more depressed than I have for a few weeks and I'm finding it difficult to concentrate on anything for more than about five minutes. And that is a really bad sign.
Not being able to concentrate makes it impossible to read a book because I find that I am having to reread the same page several times just to have a vague idea of what was written on the page. Not being able to concentrate means that knitting can be a problem if it requires me to follow a pattern. Knitting toys such as the dolls and teddy bears that I have been working on recently requires constant reference to the patterns and careful counting of rows; both things that have been impossible today.
I have never been a person who can just sit down and watch television. It's something that is nice to have as a background to my knitting and to give the feeling of not being in the house alone. I've tried watching a DVD and I just couldn't keep my mind on it, so I have decided to give that up too.
I have decided that I am now going to search the web for some sock patterns. Not that I am going to start knitting any socks today (although I do have a couple of balls of sock yarn that are just crying out to be knitted up) but I want to find some nice patterns for when I do feel in the mood again. It might not be anything too exciting, but it will keep me occupied for an hour or so and help to pass the time until I can reasonably take my medication and take myself off to bed for what I hope will be a better night's sleep.
Sunday, 11 April 2010
Saturday, 10 April 2010
I Knew That I Shouldn't Have Said It
The other day I was talking about what a difference the increase in medication had made to me being able to get a good night's sleep. Okay, so some days I had real problems waking up and it could take me hours to get going, but at least I was not suffering night after night of just one or two hours of sleep and consequently feeling worse as each day and night passed.
Having told Dr M that things were going well as far as sleep was concerned, it is just typical that since then I have had a couple of bad nights. Thursday night, as I said yesterday, seemed to consist of me waking every hour. Last night was much worse. I could not get to sleep at all. I eventually managed to drop off at about 4am but I was awake again just after 6, and it was wide awake so I could not just turn over and fall back to sleep again.
The problem is that even just a few years ago I would have been able to shrug off a couple of nights where I had not slept and still keep going. But these days, that is not the case. I don't consider myself to be old, but I think that my body is starting to tell me that I am not as young as I once was.
I can remember a visit to my GP in Cambridgeshire some time before my 50th birthday. He told me that once I got to 50 my body would start to fall apart. He wasn't so far off with that statement either. I had recently been diagnosed as having Prinzmetal's angina, then just days before my 51st birthday (and my trip to Corfu) I was taken from work by ambulance and had emergency surgery to remove my gall bladder. Then a few months later I had to give up work and I started to suffer from an arthritic hip.
So, although I should be doing lots of other things, this afternoon I am going to try to get a couple of hours sleep. It might happen or it might not. If it does then I will undoubtedly feel a lot better than I do now, if it doesn't then I will just have to hope that I manage some sleep tonight. It may seem a little thing to many, but anyone who suffers from depression will tell you that it can be a very fine line between enough sleep and not enough. I may not be full of the joys of Spring at the moment, but I am better than I was a couple of months ago and I don't want to slip back to how I was feeling then.
Therefore, I will take sleep whenever I can, and blow the wasted hours. My health, particularly my mental health, is important and I need to do whatever is necessary to maintain the improvement.
Having told Dr M that things were going well as far as sleep was concerned, it is just typical that since then I have had a couple of bad nights. Thursday night, as I said yesterday, seemed to consist of me waking every hour. Last night was much worse. I could not get to sleep at all. I eventually managed to drop off at about 4am but I was awake again just after 6, and it was wide awake so I could not just turn over and fall back to sleep again.
The problem is that even just a few years ago I would have been able to shrug off a couple of nights where I had not slept and still keep going. But these days, that is not the case. I don't consider myself to be old, but I think that my body is starting to tell me that I am not as young as I once was.
I can remember a visit to my GP in Cambridgeshire some time before my 50th birthday. He told me that once I got to 50 my body would start to fall apart. He wasn't so far off with that statement either. I had recently been diagnosed as having Prinzmetal's angina, then just days before my 51st birthday (and my trip to Corfu) I was taken from work by ambulance and had emergency surgery to remove my gall bladder. Then a few months later I had to give up work and I started to suffer from an arthritic hip.
So, although I should be doing lots of other things, this afternoon I am going to try to get a couple of hours sleep. It might happen or it might not. If it does then I will undoubtedly feel a lot better than I do now, if it doesn't then I will just have to hope that I manage some sleep tonight. It may seem a little thing to many, but anyone who suffers from depression will tell you that it can be a very fine line between enough sleep and not enough. I may not be full of the joys of Spring at the moment, but I am better than I was a couple of months ago and I don't want to slip back to how I was feeling then.
Therefore, I will take sleep whenever I can, and blow the wasted hours. My health, particularly my mental health, is important and I need to do whatever is necessary to maintain the improvement.
Friday, 9 April 2010
Tiny Hands
After having had an appointment with Dr M yesterday and telling him that I was at long last managing to get a decent night's sleep, last night I didn't. I had a terrible night waking up almost every hour and although I managed to get back to sleep fairly easily each time, today I am not feeling at my best.
Anything too energetic is out of the question. Not only am I too tired, but my hip is playing up at the moment so bending over doing things in the garden is off the agenda today. This means that I can spend the time doing more enjoyable things and I have decided that means that I shall spend today working on Daisy Livingstone Fairy.
All the components are knitted and many of the pieces are sewn together so it is not much more than a case of dressing her. But there are a couple of vital components that needed work on them and I have just spent an hour working on them.
The vital components were Daisy Livingstone's hands. They may be tiny but they each have four fingers and a thumb and sewing them up is both time consuming and extremely fiddly. However, I have persevered and they are now completed and ready to be attached to her arms. Once that is done I will be able to join them to the arms and then join the arms to Daisy Livingstone's body. Once that is done, I'll need to create her features, attach her hair, and then dress her in her finery.
They may be tiny hands but they are going to help with Daisy Livingstone's character and I am sure that she will be a really beautiful fairy who will undoubtedly try to grant a few wishes.
Anything too energetic is out of the question. Not only am I too tired, but my hip is playing up at the moment so bending over doing things in the garden is off the agenda today. This means that I can spend the time doing more enjoyable things and I have decided that means that I shall spend today working on Daisy Livingstone Fairy.
All the components are knitted and many of the pieces are sewn together so it is not much more than a case of dressing her. But there are a couple of vital components that needed work on them and I have just spent an hour working on them.
The vital components were Daisy Livingstone's hands. They may be tiny but they each have four fingers and a thumb and sewing them up is both time consuming and extremely fiddly. However, I have persevered and they are now completed and ready to be attached to her arms. Once that is done I will be able to join them to the arms and then join the arms to Daisy Livingstone's body. Once that is done, I'll need to create her features, attach her hair, and then dress her in her finery.
They may be tiny hands but they are going to help with Daisy Livingstone's character and I am sure that she will be a really beautiful fairy who will undoubtedly try to grant a few wishes.
Thursday, 8 April 2010
I Must Have Been Out Of My Mind
I really don't know what possessed me to make an appointment to see my psychiatrist at 9am.
I did manage to get myself to bed early last night and I fell asleep pretty quickly but the I kept waking up every couple of hours. I had remembered to set the alarm so as to allow me plenty of time to shower and get dressed. But the alarm didn't go off so I overslept and had to leave the house in a rush. I walked up the road to the bus stop as quickly as I could but before I got to the top of the road a bus went by so I knew that it might be a close run thing getting to my appointment on time.
There are three different buses that use the stop at the top of my road, but only one of them would take me to the hospital. I had to wait for about 15 minutes for the bus to arrive and having boarded it when it did arrive it was a case of waiting to see what the traffic was like. It was amazing; the bus just seemed to whiz along the road, often not needing to stop at bus stops as no-one wanted to get on or get off.
It just goes to show that even though school children in London get free travel on buses, there must be an awful lot who are still being taken to school by car, because with it being the school holidays there was much less traffic about.
Anyway, I made it to the hospital in time for my appointment and Dr M called me in bang on 9am. We chatted for about half an hour covering the usual subjects of mood, sleep, emotions, etc. We made a joint decision to leave my medication as it is for the time being as it seems to be having some effect. Certainly I am now managing to sleep reasonably well at night (and sometimes during the day too) and I am not constantly in the depths of despair. So, with all the bases covered, Dr M suggested that we meet up again in 4-6 weeks.
I had to wait while P the outpatients administrator dealt with a query and then made my next appointment. P decided to have a look at what Dr M had free in 5 weeks time and we found a suitable appointment. It's going to be at 10am, a far more realistic time for me to get to the hospital easily, although I was offered 9am again.
I've learnt my lesson. I won't be opting for an early appointment again if I have to travel to it. I can't cope with having to rush about that early in the morning.
I did manage to get myself to bed early last night and I fell asleep pretty quickly but the I kept waking up every couple of hours. I had remembered to set the alarm so as to allow me plenty of time to shower and get dressed. But the alarm didn't go off so I overslept and had to leave the house in a rush. I walked up the road to the bus stop as quickly as I could but before I got to the top of the road a bus went by so I knew that it might be a close run thing getting to my appointment on time.
There are three different buses that use the stop at the top of my road, but only one of them would take me to the hospital. I had to wait for about 15 minutes for the bus to arrive and having boarded it when it did arrive it was a case of waiting to see what the traffic was like. It was amazing; the bus just seemed to whiz along the road, often not needing to stop at bus stops as no-one wanted to get on or get off.
It just goes to show that even though school children in London get free travel on buses, there must be an awful lot who are still being taken to school by car, because with it being the school holidays there was much less traffic about.
Anyway, I made it to the hospital in time for my appointment and Dr M called me in bang on 9am. We chatted for about half an hour covering the usual subjects of mood, sleep, emotions, etc. We made a joint decision to leave my medication as it is for the time being as it seems to be having some effect. Certainly I am now managing to sleep reasonably well at night (and sometimes during the day too) and I am not constantly in the depths of despair. So, with all the bases covered, Dr M suggested that we meet up again in 4-6 weeks.
I had to wait while P the outpatients administrator dealt with a query and then made my next appointment. P decided to have a look at what Dr M had free in 5 weeks time and we found a suitable appointment. It's going to be at 10am, a far more realistic time for me to get to the hospital easily, although I was offered 9am again.
I've learnt my lesson. I won't be opting for an early appointment again if I have to travel to it. I can't cope with having to rush about that early in the morning.
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
It Will Have To Be An Early Night
As I sit here writing this post, it is almost as dark as night outside. It seems as though we still haven't actually moved into proper Springtime weather. I'm having a lazy day as I can't get out into the garden and after doing some Sudoku puzzles on my DSi (how I love that little gadget) I am about to pick up my knitting to help to pass the time.
I really must have an early night because I have to leave the house early tomorrow for an appointment with my psychiatrist. For some unknown reason I opted for his earliest appointment so I shall have to get up with the lark to get myself ready to go to catch the bus.
It will be good to be able to report that the increase in medication seems at last to be making a bit of a difference in my mood and in my ability to sleep. I'm not exactly filled with the joys of Spring, but neither am I in quite the depths of despair that I was when last I saw Dr M.
So, I shall shortly be making myself something to eat, I'll sit and knit for a couple of hours, and then I shall take my medication and take myself off to bed. One thing that I have learnt is that the night-time medication can work in a matter of minutes. Last night I got into bed, picked up my book to read a few pages, but I didn't even manage to open it before I was asleep.
It really can be possible to fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow.
I really must have an early night because I have to leave the house early tomorrow for an appointment with my psychiatrist. For some unknown reason I opted for his earliest appointment so I shall have to get up with the lark to get myself ready to go to catch the bus.
It will be good to be able to report that the increase in medication seems at last to be making a bit of a difference in my mood and in my ability to sleep. I'm not exactly filled with the joys of Spring, but neither am I in quite the depths of despair that I was when last I saw Dr M.
So, I shall shortly be making myself something to eat, I'll sit and knit for a couple of hours, and then I shall take my medication and take myself off to bed. One thing that I have learnt is that the night-time medication can work in a matter of minutes. Last night I got into bed, picked up my book to read a few pages, but I didn't even manage to open it before I was asleep.
It really can be possible to fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow.
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
Empty Days
The long weekend is over and the working week has begun. Normally Tuesday morning means that I have to get up early, make myself presentable and set off for the hospital for my psychotherapy session. But my therapist is on holiday for two weeks so I have a break from psychotherapy during that time.
The last break that I had in this period of therapy was at Christmas and New Year. I had begun to sink into depression when I went for the first session of the year and my therapist wondered whether it was caused by the break in therapy. I don't think it was but it does make me wonder.
Psychotherapy on a Tuesday is the one real piece of routine that there is in my life. Without routine the days seem to merge into each other and if it weren't for the computer showing me the date and the day of the week, I would almost certainly lose track of time. I know that I need to find things to do that will occupy my time and get me out and about, but trying to find such things and actually making the effort to do them seems somehow insurmountable at present.
Perhaps, now is the time to start looking at doing something new. The problem is that I have absolutely no idea what it should be. It needs to be something that I can focus my mind on, so that I don't have time on my hands to worry about how I am feeling, but something that is not reliant on time or place so that I can do it whenever I feel capable.
For today, I shall spend this morning in a darkened room trying to get rid of a headache that has now plagued me for more than 24 hours. Once I have got rid of that then, perhaps, I can spend some time trying to discover something to occupy both time and mind.
The last break that I had in this period of therapy was at Christmas and New Year. I had begun to sink into depression when I went for the first session of the year and my therapist wondered whether it was caused by the break in therapy. I don't think it was but it does make me wonder.
Psychotherapy on a Tuesday is the one real piece of routine that there is in my life. Without routine the days seem to merge into each other and if it weren't for the computer showing me the date and the day of the week, I would almost certainly lose track of time. I know that I need to find things to do that will occupy my time and get me out and about, but trying to find such things and actually making the effort to do them seems somehow insurmountable at present.
Perhaps, now is the time to start looking at doing something new. The problem is that I have absolutely no idea what it should be. It needs to be something that I can focus my mind on, so that I don't have time on my hands to worry about how I am feeling, but something that is not reliant on time or place so that I can do it whenever I feel capable.
For today, I shall spend this morning in a darkened room trying to get rid of a headache that has now plagued me for more than 24 hours. Once I have got rid of that then, perhaps, I can spend some time trying to discover something to occupy both time and mind.
Monday, 5 April 2010
Bank Holiday Weather
I don't know what it is about British weather and bank holidays, but yet again it is cold, grey and miserable on this Easter Monday. So instead of going out into the garden to do a little bit of work there, I am sitting indoors in the warm and doing my knitting.
Sunday, 4 April 2010
Chocolate Free Easter
I'm having a chocolate free Easter. Yes, you read that correctly. It's Easter and not a single piece of chocolate will pass my lips.
Easter eggs are not the sort of thing that you buy for yourself, so I am able to be good and not indulge in extra calories. This is a good thing because after years of struggling with my weight after having put on about 4 stone courtesy of one particular antidepressant, I seem to be losing weight.
I don't possess a set of scales because I have become so self-conscious of my size over the years. But when my trousers start to be loose around my waist and have to be constantly pulled up so that they don't drag along the ground, I know that the weight must be going.
To lose all the weight that I put on is going to take a very long time, but if I continue to lose it slowly as I have over the last couple of months then I hope that I can look forward to a slimmer me. I know that it is unlikely that I will go back to my former weight because I am no longer as active as I used to be, but losing weight is a good thing and I am sure that doing so will do much for my mood too.
Easter eggs are not the sort of thing that you buy for yourself, so I am able to be good and not indulge in extra calories. This is a good thing because after years of struggling with my weight after having put on about 4 stone courtesy of one particular antidepressant, I seem to be losing weight.
I don't possess a set of scales because I have become so self-conscious of my size over the years. But when my trousers start to be loose around my waist and have to be constantly pulled up so that they don't drag along the ground, I know that the weight must be going.
To lose all the weight that I put on is going to take a very long time, but if I continue to lose it slowly as I have over the last couple of months then I hope that I can look forward to a slimmer me. I know that it is unlikely that I will go back to my former weight because I am no longer as active as I used to be, but losing weight is a good thing and I am sure that doing so will do much for my mood too.
Saturday, 3 April 2010
Therapeutic Doses
Antidepressants often get a bad press. Whether it is newspapers claiming that doctors dish them out like sweets or patients who claim that they don't work. I have been on antidepressants almost continuously for almost 12 years and I am absolutely certain that without them I wouldn't be here writing this today.
I wouldn't claim to have been on every antidepressant that there is but I have taken a fair selection of them over the years. Some seem to have made a difference, one or two don't seem to have worked, and one made me have hallucinations and feel very ill indeed.
At the moment I am taking two different antidepressants. I'm on the highest doses of both of them. One is taken in the morning and is the one that I have now been on for about a year. The dose has been increased twice; initially when I was in hospital the first time, and the second time was on my last appointment with my psychiatrist. The one that I take at night was prescribed when I had my first appointment with my psychiatrist. It's main purpose is to aid me in getting to sleep and staying that way; it's secondary purpose is as an additional drug to help with my mood.
The problem with antidepressants is that it can take quite a while for them to start to improve your mood. It is probable that many of those people who say that antidepressants don't work, haven't given them a chance. They are not like other drugs which allow you to see a difference almost immediately. Many antidepressants have to be started at low dosages and then increased over a period of time until a therapeutic dose is reached.
At long last it seems that things may be improving for me. The night-time antidepressant is now able to knock me out at night and I seem to be able to sleep the night through (apart from calls of nature). And the combination of the two antidepressants appears to be helping to lift me out of the long depression that I have been in.
It seems that the therapeutic doses of these two drugs have been built up in my body and I can hope for some respite from the darkness that my life seemed to have become. Mind you, I still don't feel full of the joys of Spring, but things don't seem quite so hopeless as they did just a few days ago.
I'm having another therapeutic dose today too. A therapeutic dose of films to watch on television thanks to it being a bank holiday weekend. the weather may not be wonderful, but at least I have something to help to pass the time.
I wouldn't claim to have been on every antidepressant that there is but I have taken a fair selection of them over the years. Some seem to have made a difference, one or two don't seem to have worked, and one made me have hallucinations and feel very ill indeed.
At the moment I am taking two different antidepressants. I'm on the highest doses of both of them. One is taken in the morning and is the one that I have now been on for about a year. The dose has been increased twice; initially when I was in hospital the first time, and the second time was on my last appointment with my psychiatrist. The one that I take at night was prescribed when I had my first appointment with my psychiatrist. It's main purpose is to aid me in getting to sleep and staying that way; it's secondary purpose is as an additional drug to help with my mood.
The problem with antidepressants is that it can take quite a while for them to start to improve your mood. It is probable that many of those people who say that antidepressants don't work, haven't given them a chance. They are not like other drugs which allow you to see a difference almost immediately. Many antidepressants have to be started at low dosages and then increased over a period of time until a therapeutic dose is reached.
At long last it seems that things may be improving for me. The night-time antidepressant is now able to knock me out at night and I seem to be able to sleep the night through (apart from calls of nature). And the combination of the two antidepressants appears to be helping to lift me out of the long depression that I have been in.
It seems that the therapeutic doses of these two drugs have been built up in my body and I can hope for some respite from the darkness that my life seemed to have become. Mind you, I still don't feel full of the joys of Spring, but things don't seem quite so hopeless as they did just a few days ago.
I'm having another therapeutic dose today too. A therapeutic dose of films to watch on television thanks to it being a bank holiday weekend. the weather may not be wonderful, but at least I have something to help to pass the time.
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