In less than 48 hours I will be setting off for my last psychotherapy session. I have often written on this blog how difficult I find it during the days before each session, though at the moment I am quite calm. But Friday morning may be a slightly different matter.
The termination of psychotherapy should mean the end of my sleepless Thursday nights but it also means the end of the one routine item in my otherwise empty life. Friday mornings have meant a regular opportunity to talk to another human being, and most importantly to be able to talk to someone who genuinely wants to know how I am rather than the question just being a platitude.
Yes, I have a couple of friends with whom I correspond by email on a daily basis, and both of them (and they know who they are) do much to encourage me and to help me get through my dark periods. But they are both many miles away and so actually seeing them and talking face to face is a rare thing.
I am telling myself that the psychotherapy has made a difference to me. It has helped me to see that it is not my fault that I am ill, that I am not responsible for how I feel, that things in my past have made it difficult for me to deal with how I am today. Medication helps with the panic and the anxiety, but it does not help with the loneliness and the empty feelings. Talking has helped with them, but I now have to see if I can cope with them on my own. And that is the most difficult part of depression to deal with; the isolation and emptiness. The end of therapy feels like I am being abandoned yet again.
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
Friday, 1 May 2009
One More Session To Go
Today was my penultimate psychotherapy session. It was difficult; in fact, it was very difficult. I know that I am not ready for it to end, but end it must because that is the way of things on the NHS. There is never enough of what is needed.
As a former manager myself (though not in the NHS) I am well aware of the necessity of management of some kind, but I wonder how much more could be done for the patients' benefit if the multiple levels of management and the ridiculous amount of paperwork, results tables, protocols, and sundry other government and management requirements were to disappear overnight.
Mental health has always been a poor relation. It is not glamorous, nor is it seen as being of significant importance to this country. Yet the fact is that approximately 25% of the population will suffer with mental health problems at some time in their life, and a significant proportion of the population is unable to work because of mental health problems means that is should be seen as important. It is likely that the proportions will rise over the next couple of years because of the global financial crisis which has resulted in so many losing their jobs and the uncertainty that so many others feel.
As with everything else, this government has promised to do something about mental health provisions and yet their solution is far in the future and a least cost option. There is much evidence to show that psychotherapy can do much to make a change to the lives of those with mental health problems, particularly depression. But it is necessary to ensure that the right sort of therapy is provided for those that need it; and it needs to be available from the start, not when the situation has become so bad that the sufferer cannot work and their life has fallen apart. The government plans for there to be 10,000 therapists offering CBT in the next few years, but the Layard Report which brought about this decision by the government actually said that 30,000 were needed and that was before the financial crisis which is likely to increase the number of those needing help.
And CBT is not the global panacea that many seem to think it is. I am sure that it does help some people, but what is not widely reported is the number of people who are made well for a few months but then regress and have to rejoin the waiting lists for treatment of some kind. There is no point in offering a treatment that encourages people to change their thinking about the here and now if it is the long-distant past that is the root cause of their problems.
I know that I have been lucky. I have been receiving psychodynamic psychotherapy for a year now and it has made a significant difference to me. I have started to regain some of my self-confidence, and my weekly appointments have meant that there has been a little bit of routine in my life which has helped me get some structure in my life. But I know that there is still much work to be done to deal with the problems that led to me becoming ill. I need to understand how things that happened to me long ago and of which I had no conscious knowledge can be put behind me and I need to be helped to move on with my life. However, that is not going to happen because next week I will be saying goodbye to my therapist and I will be left on my own. I am being abandoned. Not because I am 'cured' but because the resources are not there to help those who need help.
As a former manager myself (though not in the NHS) I am well aware of the necessity of management of some kind, but I wonder how much more could be done for the patients' benefit if the multiple levels of management and the ridiculous amount of paperwork, results tables, protocols, and sundry other government and management requirements were to disappear overnight.
Mental health has always been a poor relation. It is not glamorous, nor is it seen as being of significant importance to this country. Yet the fact is that approximately 25% of the population will suffer with mental health problems at some time in their life, and a significant proportion of the population is unable to work because of mental health problems means that is should be seen as important. It is likely that the proportions will rise over the next couple of years because of the global financial crisis which has resulted in so many losing their jobs and the uncertainty that so many others feel.
As with everything else, this government has promised to do something about mental health provisions and yet their solution is far in the future and a least cost option. There is much evidence to show that psychotherapy can do much to make a change to the lives of those with mental health problems, particularly depression. But it is necessary to ensure that the right sort of therapy is provided for those that need it; and it needs to be available from the start, not when the situation has become so bad that the sufferer cannot work and their life has fallen apart. The government plans for there to be 10,000 therapists offering CBT in the next few years, but the Layard Report which brought about this decision by the government actually said that 30,000 were needed and that was before the financial crisis which is likely to increase the number of those needing help.
And CBT is not the global panacea that many seem to think it is. I am sure that it does help some people, but what is not widely reported is the number of people who are made well for a few months but then regress and have to rejoin the waiting lists for treatment of some kind. There is no point in offering a treatment that encourages people to change their thinking about the here and now if it is the long-distant past that is the root cause of their problems.
I know that I have been lucky. I have been receiving psychodynamic psychotherapy for a year now and it has made a significant difference to me. I have started to regain some of my self-confidence, and my weekly appointments have meant that there has been a little bit of routine in my life which has helped me get some structure in my life. But I know that there is still much work to be done to deal with the problems that led to me becoming ill. I need to understand how things that happened to me long ago and of which I had no conscious knowledge can be put behind me and I need to be helped to move on with my life. However, that is not going to happen because next week I will be saying goodbye to my therapist and I will be left on my own. I am being abandoned. Not because I am 'cured' but because the resources are not there to help those who need help.
Thursday, 30 April 2009
Another Early Start
After a poor night's sleep, I have another very early start today as I have to travel across London to listen to a couple of lectures. These lectures are going to be given by a world-renowned psychologist on the treatment of depression.
I have to admit that until I was invited to give the lecture about the patient's view of psychotherapy I had never heard of this person. However, over the last couple of days I have been reading up about her and I am looking forward to hearing what she has to say about psychotherapy and depression.
So having done my morning's ablutions I have now only to get myself ready to go out and then set off for the bus stop hoping that I don't have a repeat of the nightmare journey that I had last week when I went to hear 'S' lecture. I've decided to leave a little earlier than I did last week, so knowing my luck everything will go like clockwork and I will end up arriving far too early. Still, it is better to arrive early than to get there late. I'm afraid that I am a bit of a punctuality freak and the rush that I had to make it on time last week unsettled me a little.
I have to admit that until I was invited to give the lecture about the patient's view of psychotherapy I had never heard of this person. However, over the last couple of days I have been reading up about her and I am looking forward to hearing what she has to say about psychotherapy and depression.
So having done my morning's ablutions I have now only to get myself ready to go out and then set off for the bus stop hoping that I don't have a repeat of the nightmare journey that I had last week when I went to hear 'S' lecture. I've decided to leave a little earlier than I did last week, so knowing my luck everything will go like clockwork and I will end up arriving far too early. Still, it is better to arrive early than to get there late. I'm afraid that I am a bit of a punctuality freak and the rush that I had to make it on time last week unsettled me a little.
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
More Inappropriate Clothing
Following on from yesterday's post, I am going to have a moan about something else that I find somewhat embarrassing to see.
I am overweight; I admit it. Like many people who suffer from severe depression I have problems with eating properly, and I am also one of those people who unfortunately have found that certain antidepressants have caused weight gain. I pretty much remained the same weight throughout my married life. When my husband died I would have been able to wear my wedding dress without too much difficulty, which after a period of more than 20 years would have been quite an achievement. When my husband died I stopped eating; weight just fell off me and none of my clothes fitted me any more. After being diagnosed with depression I was put on an antidepressant, but after a few months it was making no difference to my mood, so a change of medication was decided upon. This was when my problems began. The new medication made a significant difference to my mood, but it also caused me to start putting on weight without me having changed my eating habits in any significant way.
At first the weight gain was not too bad; I got back to the weight that I had been for many years before, but the weight kept piling on. I joined a gym and went most mornings before I went to work, but this made no real difference; I still put on more weight. More changes in medication have meant that I no longer put on weight, but I find it extremely difficult to lose the gain that occurred all those years ago. Not working means that belonging to a gym is not financially possible, but then neither do I seem to have the energy or enthusiasm to undertake formal exercise. Perhaps this is in part to do with my advancing years, but I know that it is also due to my constantly finding it difficult to just get through the day, let alone get enthusiastic for something that is such hard work. So I walk; I walk wherever I can and I try to get out everyday if the weather is acceptable.
One thing that I have tried to do is to dress in clothes that are suitable for my size. This means that I am not going to be seen in something that is skin tight and skimpy. I try to wear things that I am comfortable in and that hopefully cover the parts that I feel most uncomfortable about.
I am not alone in being overweight. Much of the population shares this problem and we are constantly being warned that obesity is becoming one of the major health problems in this country. Unfortunately many of those who are overweight do not seem to share my embarrassment about the problem and therefore forget that they do not have a model figure and should not wear clothes that are meant for those who are slim.
Just as I hate to see men with alabaster-white legs wearing shorts, so I hate to see women with huge bums and thighs wearing skin-tight jeans, and even worse, leggings. What on earth possesses them to dress in this inappropriate way? Do they not realise just how ridiculous they look?
I am overweight; I admit it. Like many people who suffer from severe depression I have problems with eating properly, and I am also one of those people who unfortunately have found that certain antidepressants have caused weight gain. I pretty much remained the same weight throughout my married life. When my husband died I would have been able to wear my wedding dress without too much difficulty, which after a period of more than 20 years would have been quite an achievement. When my husband died I stopped eating; weight just fell off me and none of my clothes fitted me any more. After being diagnosed with depression I was put on an antidepressant, but after a few months it was making no difference to my mood, so a change of medication was decided upon. This was when my problems began. The new medication made a significant difference to my mood, but it also caused me to start putting on weight without me having changed my eating habits in any significant way.
At first the weight gain was not too bad; I got back to the weight that I had been for many years before, but the weight kept piling on. I joined a gym and went most mornings before I went to work, but this made no real difference; I still put on more weight. More changes in medication have meant that I no longer put on weight, but I find it extremely difficult to lose the gain that occurred all those years ago. Not working means that belonging to a gym is not financially possible, but then neither do I seem to have the energy or enthusiasm to undertake formal exercise. Perhaps this is in part to do with my advancing years, but I know that it is also due to my constantly finding it difficult to just get through the day, let alone get enthusiastic for something that is such hard work. So I walk; I walk wherever I can and I try to get out everyday if the weather is acceptable.
One thing that I have tried to do is to dress in clothes that are suitable for my size. This means that I am not going to be seen in something that is skin tight and skimpy. I try to wear things that I am comfortable in and that hopefully cover the parts that I feel most uncomfortable about.
I am not alone in being overweight. Much of the population shares this problem and we are constantly being warned that obesity is becoming one of the major health problems in this country. Unfortunately many of those who are overweight do not seem to share my embarrassment about the problem and therefore forget that they do not have a model figure and should not wear clothes that are meant for those who are slim.
Just as I hate to see men with alabaster-white legs wearing shorts, so I hate to see women with huge bums and thighs wearing skin-tight jeans, and even worse, leggings. What on earth possesses them to dress in this inappropriate way? Do they not realise just how ridiculous they look?
Monday, 27 April 2009
A British Phenomenon
Over the last week we have had some really lovely days. The sun has shone and at times the temperature has risen sufficiently for it not to be necessary for one to wear a winter coat, a scarf, hat and furry mittens. When I was out last Thursday it really was quite pleasant and I went out wearing a T-shirt and a light-weight jacket; it was probably the first time that I had been out without wearing a good jumper for months. Friday's weather was much the same and I was similarly dressed when I went off for psychotherapy.
It was while I was on the bus travelling to the hospital on Friday that I became aware of what I believe is a purely British phenomenon; the inappropriate wearing of shorts.
There are a number of factors that can make it inappropriate. First is the fact that its aficionados are wearing shorts when we have had but barely one day of sunshine and the temperatures are still low enough to cause goose-pimples to form on exposed flesh at the merest hint of a breeze. The second factor is that the shorts-wearer seems to be totally unaware of how ridiculous those alabaster-coloured legs look when being exposed between grey or beige shorts and short socks which are brown or navy blue in colour. But the worst factor is that most of the men wearing shorts really shouldn't expose their legs at all owing to them being thin, hairless, and shaped like matchsticks.
I don't mind a man with shapely calves, a well-shaped ankle and a little manly hairiness exposing his legs for the world to see. I prefer it if you don't wear socks, because let's face it looks silly when you do. But guys, if your legs don't meet these criteria, then don't embarrass yourself, and us, by dressing inappropriately, especially so early in the season. I bet you're not wearing shorts today in the cold and the rain!
It was while I was on the bus travelling to the hospital on Friday that I became aware of what I believe is a purely British phenomenon; the inappropriate wearing of shorts.
There are a number of factors that can make it inappropriate. First is the fact that its aficionados are wearing shorts when we have had but barely one day of sunshine and the temperatures are still low enough to cause goose-pimples to form on exposed flesh at the merest hint of a breeze. The second factor is that the shorts-wearer seems to be totally unaware of how ridiculous those alabaster-coloured legs look when being exposed between grey or beige shorts and short socks which are brown or navy blue in colour. But the worst factor is that most of the men wearing shorts really shouldn't expose their legs at all owing to them being thin, hairless, and shaped like matchsticks.
I don't mind a man with shapely calves, a well-shaped ankle and a little manly hairiness exposing his legs for the world to see. I prefer it if you don't wear socks, because let's face it looks silly when you do. But guys, if your legs don't meet these criteria, then don't embarrass yourself, and us, by dressing inappropriately, especially so early in the season. I bet you're not wearing shorts today in the cold and the rain!
Friday, 24 April 2009
A Bit Of An Apology ... And More
I seem to be spending all my time apologizing at the moment. I didn't write a post yesterday and I had said that I would endeavour to write every day. In my defence I did write two on Wednesday, but I really did mean to write about what I got up to yesterday; however, I was so tired I just couldn't summon up the energy to write about it. And I was having a little bit of trouble with my Internet connection, but that is now sorted and here I am.
I travelled north London yesterday morning to listen to a lecture being given by 'S'. When I gave my lecture a few weeks back he said that if there were any that I particularly felt like attending then I should feel free to come along. So I did. I found it very interesting and gave me a perspective on various different psychodynamic theories; ones that I had not really looked into before. It has interested me enough to look at the work of Klein and Winnicott in more detail so that I can see where they were coming from.
My journey to the university was horrendous and at one stage the bus that I was travelling on took more than half an hour to travel a distance of about a mile. I sent 'S' a text message saying that I was still south of the river and that I hoped that I would arrive in time; he sent a reply indicating that I should not worry if I was a little late. As luck would have it when I eventually arrived at Victoria and made a dash for the Underground I did not have too much of a problem getting through the ticket barrier and down to the platform and a train arrived almost immediately. On arrival at my destination station I set off for the university building as fast as my legs would carry me. I do walk a fair bit, but while I generally use an average walking pace, yesterday I needed to get my legs working rather hard to get to the building in time for the 10am start. After booking in at the reception desk, I made my way upstairs and found the lecture room without too much difficulty and walked in just as 'S' was finishing his brief introduction on the subject of the lecture.
After the lecture 'S' and I had a discussion about how well my lecture had been received and that the students had talked about it for a few weeks afterwards. We also discussed the short course that it is hoped that the university will be running in the summer and what the dates for that would be. I have been asked to lecture again, so I will need to think about updating my lecture a little in readiness for this.
I had decided that I would do a bit of wandering round Oxford Street after the lecture, so I headed for the Underground to make my way to Oxford Circus. Just as I came out of the station the police were closing off a large section of Oxford Street, in the direction that I wanted to go, because of a major gas leak. I could not believe that this had happened to me on top of the problems that I had already suffered on my earlier journey. So I had to turn round and walk in the opposite direction to that which I wanted to go in order to get on the Underground again. I walked to Bond Street station and got on a train to Tottenham Court Road and then turned into Charing Cross Road and started walking down towards Trafalgar Square. I love looking in bookshops and Charing Cross Road is just the place to do this, but it is nowhere near as much fun as it used to be. So many of the specialist bookshops have now gone although Foyles is still there and I had a most enjoyable hour wandering round Blackwells.
By the time that I got home my legs and feet were aching and I needed to sit down and put my feet up for a while. So that is my excuse for not writing a post yesterday, and I am sticking to it.
I travelled north London yesterday morning to listen to a lecture being given by 'S'. When I gave my lecture a few weeks back he said that if there were any that I particularly felt like attending then I should feel free to come along. So I did. I found it very interesting and gave me a perspective on various different psychodynamic theories; ones that I had not really looked into before. It has interested me enough to look at the work of Klein and Winnicott in more detail so that I can see where they were coming from.
My journey to the university was horrendous and at one stage the bus that I was travelling on took more than half an hour to travel a distance of about a mile. I sent 'S' a text message saying that I was still south of the river and that I hoped that I would arrive in time; he sent a reply indicating that I should not worry if I was a little late. As luck would have it when I eventually arrived at Victoria and made a dash for the Underground I did not have too much of a problem getting through the ticket barrier and down to the platform and a train arrived almost immediately. On arrival at my destination station I set off for the university building as fast as my legs would carry me. I do walk a fair bit, but while I generally use an average walking pace, yesterday I needed to get my legs working rather hard to get to the building in time for the 10am start. After booking in at the reception desk, I made my way upstairs and found the lecture room without too much difficulty and walked in just as 'S' was finishing his brief introduction on the subject of the lecture.
After the lecture 'S' and I had a discussion about how well my lecture had been received and that the students had talked about it for a few weeks afterwards. We also discussed the short course that it is hoped that the university will be running in the summer and what the dates for that would be. I have been asked to lecture again, so I will need to think about updating my lecture a little in readiness for this.
I had decided that I would do a bit of wandering round Oxford Street after the lecture, so I headed for the Underground to make my way to Oxford Circus. Just as I came out of the station the police were closing off a large section of Oxford Street, in the direction that I wanted to go, because of a major gas leak. I could not believe that this had happened to me on top of the problems that I had already suffered on my earlier journey. So I had to turn round and walk in the opposite direction to that which I wanted to go in order to get on the Underground again. I walked to Bond Street station and got on a train to Tottenham Court Road and then turned into Charing Cross Road and started walking down towards Trafalgar Square. I love looking in bookshops and Charing Cross Road is just the place to do this, but it is nowhere near as much fun as it used to be. So many of the specialist bookshops have now gone although Foyles is still there and I had a most enjoyable hour wandering round Blackwells.
By the time that I got home my legs and feet were aching and I needed to sit down and put my feet up for a while. So that is my excuse for not writing a post yesterday, and I am sticking to it.
Wednesday, 22 April 2009
The Benefits Of An Occasional Nap
One of the recurring themes in this blog is that I have problems sleeping. This is not that unusual for people who suffer with depression. For me the problem is normally that I can get to sleep at night but not stay that way for more than a couple of hours before I wake up and then can't get back to sleep again. After a few days I start to feel like a zombie and grumpiness is added to the feeling of being very low.
Sometimes the sleep problems manifest themselves in another way and I can't stop sleeping. I will sleep through the night and then keep sleeping through the day too. The problem with this sleep pattern is that nothing gets done; sometimes even eating is beyond me.
I have recently been cycling through these states which culminated in me not sleeping at all on Monday night. This meant that by about 9.30pm yesterday I could hardly keep my eyes open and I fell asleep almost immediately after my head hit the pillow. That would have been fine had I then managed to sleep through the night but I didn't I woke several times although I did manage to get back to sleep fairly quickly after waking. However, it did mean that while I had enjoyed the benefit of almost a full night's sleep, it wasn't necessarily good quality sleep, and this is what we need to enable us to function properly.
I have just woken from a nap. I didn't intend to have this nap, siesta, 40 winks, call it whatever you like, but it happened. After eating my lunch, I had this overwhelming urge to close my eyes so I lay on the bed and I was asleep in moments. I have woken again some three hours later and I feel refreshed, and my brain feels much clearer than it did after last night's sleep.
Lack of sleep was often a major problem for me when I was working and I developed the habit of switching the light off in my office (fortunately I had my own office) at lunch time sprawling out in my office chair with my feet on another chair and sleeping for half an hour or maybe a little longer. I found that I could manage the rest of the day so much better after this little nap and it allowed me to keep working for a number of years even when the depression was very bad. Had I not taken these occasional naps I would undoubtedly have had to give up working far earlier than I did.
So why do I now feel guilty about taking advantage of the opportunity of a little afternoon nap when it is obviously what I need at times, and my clarity of thought this afternoon is evidence of that?
Perhaps it is because we are British. Taking a siesta is a Continental thing; something that occurs in countries with a hot climate and is used as a means of getting through the hottest part of the day without exerting oneself.
I'm not sure what the answer is, but I can tell you that I feel significantly better for having slept for a few hours and I am going to continue doing this if it helps me to feel better. I hope that I will still be able to sleep tonight (I think that I will) but even if I have another night of broken sleep, it is good to feel more alive at the moment than I have done for a long time. And it has meant that I have managed a second post to the blog today; something that hasn't happened for a long time.
Sometimes the sleep problems manifest themselves in another way and I can't stop sleeping. I will sleep through the night and then keep sleeping through the day too. The problem with this sleep pattern is that nothing gets done; sometimes even eating is beyond me.
I have recently been cycling through these states which culminated in me not sleeping at all on Monday night. This meant that by about 9.30pm yesterday I could hardly keep my eyes open and I fell asleep almost immediately after my head hit the pillow. That would have been fine had I then managed to sleep through the night but I didn't I woke several times although I did manage to get back to sleep fairly quickly after waking. However, it did mean that while I had enjoyed the benefit of almost a full night's sleep, it wasn't necessarily good quality sleep, and this is what we need to enable us to function properly.
I have just woken from a nap. I didn't intend to have this nap, siesta, 40 winks, call it whatever you like, but it happened. After eating my lunch, I had this overwhelming urge to close my eyes so I lay on the bed and I was asleep in moments. I have woken again some three hours later and I feel refreshed, and my brain feels much clearer than it did after last night's sleep.
Lack of sleep was often a major problem for me when I was working and I developed the habit of switching the light off in my office (fortunately I had my own office) at lunch time sprawling out in my office chair with my feet on another chair and sleeping for half an hour or maybe a little longer. I found that I could manage the rest of the day so much better after this little nap and it allowed me to keep working for a number of years even when the depression was very bad. Had I not taken these occasional naps I would undoubtedly have had to give up working far earlier than I did.
So why do I now feel guilty about taking advantage of the opportunity of a little afternoon nap when it is obviously what I need at times, and my clarity of thought this afternoon is evidence of that?
Perhaps it is because we are British. Taking a siesta is a Continental thing; something that occurs in countries with a hot climate and is used as a means of getting through the hottest part of the day without exerting oneself.
I'm not sure what the answer is, but I can tell you that I feel significantly better for having slept for a few hours and I am going to continue doing this if it helps me to feel better. I hope that I will still be able to sleep tonight (I think that I will) but even if I have another night of broken sleep, it is good to feel more alive at the moment than I have done for a long time. And it has meant that I have managed a second post to the blog today; something that hasn't happened for a long time.
New Medication And A Growing Shawl
Yesterday's trip to see my GP has resulted in a change of medication to see if this will help to improve the way that I am feeling. The problem is that it always takes a few weeks before the drug has been in the system for long enough to start to make improvement possible, and in the meantime the bad feelings remain. I've been on so many antidepressants over the last 10 years that it seems as though I have tried them all. I haven't, but it sometimes seems that way.
Today the fifth clue for the Shawl KAL has been posted, so I have this evening's knitting already planned; I might even start working on it this afternoon. The problem is that the number of stitches on each row is well up past 400, in fact it is approaching 500, and it is taking longer to knit each row. From being able to knit a couple of rows each minute in the early days, it now takes in excess of 20 minutes to knit each row. But the pattern unfolding as I knit is so beautiful that it makes it all worthwhile.
One thing that I know is that it will be lovely to sit watching television, or knitting something else, in the winter with this shawl arapped around my shoulders to keep out the effects of the winter chill.
Today the fifth clue for the Shawl KAL has been posted, so I have this evening's knitting already planned; I might even start working on it this afternoon. The problem is that the number of stitches on each row is well up past 400, in fact it is approaching 500, and it is taking longer to knit each row. From being able to knit a couple of rows each minute in the early days, it now takes in excess of 20 minutes to knit each row. But the pattern unfolding as I knit is so beautiful that it makes it all worthwhile.
One thing that I know is that it will be lovely to sit watching television, or knitting something else, in the winter with this shawl arapped around my shoulders to keep out the effects of the winter chill.
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
Am I Manic?
Tuesday morning, barely past 7am and I have already received and replied to two emails, written two more very long emails (one to Mr Smiley and one to There and Back), answered another email that I received last night that may involve me being filmed for something (more about that when I have more information) and now I am sitting here writing a post.
Am I being manic?
Off to see my GP later so he can decide!
Am I being manic?
Off to see my GP later so he can decide!
Monday, 20 April 2009
I'm Going To Try Writing Every Day
I'm feeling guilty. I shouldn't really because not writing to this blog isn't something that I should be guilty about, but somehow I do. As each day has passed without me being able to write something I have become more frustrated with myself and it has probably added to my feeling low.
So this evening I have decided that I am going to try to write something everyday. Sometimes the posts will be short I have no doubt, but I need to make myself write even when I am feeling down because writing is one of the things that has helped me over the last nine months. And if I am going to make the best of the courses in Creative Writing that I am going to study with the OU, I need to get myself into the habit of writing something every day.
I will be honest and say that I'm not at all sure what I will write about, but then I have never really planned anything that I have written to this blog before, so there won't be any change there. But I will promise one thing. I will not keep telling you how bad I am feeling; however, I may well tell you what I am doing to try to raise my spirits and they do need raising at the moment.
I have a post half written; it is something that is quite different from anything that I have written before and its content may well prove to be quite controversial with some people, but I am entitled to my point of view and this is the only place that I have in which to put it forward. So I shall polish this half-written post over the next few days and if I am reasonably happy with it, then it will appear here. It won't be earth-shattering, but it will question the way that some people think and why they think this way.
Anyway, I need to say thank you to all of you who have kept faith with me during my relative silence over the last few weeks, and your comments and messages have meant a lot to me in my darkness. As the saying goes, normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.
So this evening I have decided that I am going to try to write something everyday. Sometimes the posts will be short I have no doubt, but I need to make myself write even when I am feeling down because writing is one of the things that has helped me over the last nine months. And if I am going to make the best of the courses in Creative Writing that I am going to study with the OU, I need to get myself into the habit of writing something every day.
I will be honest and say that I'm not at all sure what I will write about, but then I have never really planned anything that I have written to this blog before, so there won't be any change there. But I will promise one thing. I will not keep telling you how bad I am feeling; however, I may well tell you what I am doing to try to raise my spirits and they do need raising at the moment.
I have a post half written; it is something that is quite different from anything that I have written before and its content may well prove to be quite controversial with some people, but I am entitled to my point of view and this is the only place that I have in which to put it forward. So I shall polish this half-written post over the next few days and if I am reasonably happy with it, then it will appear here. It won't be earth-shattering, but it will question the way that some people think and why they think this way.
Anyway, I need to say thank you to all of you who have kept faith with me during my relative silence over the last few weeks, and your comments and messages have meant a lot to me in my darkness. As the saying goes, normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.
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