A Difficult Easter

I know that I have said it before, but I am having a really hard time of things at the moment. Just surviving day to day is difficult and there are often days when I wish that I hadn't woken up. I'm even finding it difficult to make comments on my favourite blogs although I do read them and know that I want to say something. So I am making an effort today and I am going to write this post and possibly at least one more.

First of all I would like to say thank you to alhi at Random Musings of a Wannabe for her Easter email, and to apologise for not writing back to her. She also sent me a comment yesterday hoping that I was okay and that I would be back blogging again soon. Anyway, here I am.

Someone else who has remarked to me about my lack of posting to the blog is There and Back. We correspond on a daily basis and she has been having a difficult time too the result of which was that she found herself in hospital again and she has said as much on her blog so I don't feel that I am betraying any confidences here by mentioning it.

There and Back decided that she was going to do what she could to try to cheer me up a little over Easter and very kindly sent me an Easter egg. There are thousands of eggs to choose from and I have to say that the one that I received was absolutely amazing. The egg itself was made of the thickest chocolate that I think that I have ever seen on such an item, and it was the most delicious too. One half of the egg was milk chocolate, the other half was a mixture of milk and white chocolate. What made it so delicious was that while the milk chocolate was made from 40% cocoa and the purists will say that you need at least 70% cocoa to make a good chocolate (and I do indeed like such chocolate) the amount of sugar that it contained was much less than is normal in milk or white chocolate, so you had all the flavour of the chocolate but not the sweetness that is usually associated with it. But what made the egg really special was the additional contents packaged with it. No it didn't have the usual mixture of small chocolates or mini eggs; its contents were like none that I have ever seen before so I thought that you might like to see them.

The first bag of goodies contained three white chocolate bunnies in baskets. Then (clockwise) a smiley-faced egg shape which was described as being 'chocolate brownie' and that is what it was like eating; the egg shape with the darker chocolate pattern was described as strawberry mousse which was made from real strawberries which was evidenced by it not only tasting of real strawberries and not some synthetic flavour, but also had strawberry pips in it; and finally the lighter-coloured smiley-faced egg shape was a smooth praline that melted in the mouth.

The second bag of goodies was no less delicious. Starting at top left and clockwise again, the first smiley face was an orange praline. Like the strawberry mousse it was obvious that real fruit was used to flavour this and the mixture of chocolate and orange is always a winner. The egg shape with the 'fried egg' was vanilla mousse and again was full of flavour. If I am honest anything that is vanilla is going to be a winner as far as I am concerned; for me it will always be a vanilla milk shake or a vanilla-flavoured coffee that will get my vote. The lighter-coloured smiley face was described as praline with crunchy biscuit and that was exactly what you got; lots of lovely little crunchy bits in a lovely smooth praline. And to finish off the selection there were three little chocolate chicks.

What was so amazing about all of these lovely goodies was that each of them was a joy to eat and left you wanting more; and they weren't small either because amazed at the size of them I actually got a tape measure out to see how big they were. Each was about 5cm in height and the egg shapes were about 1.5cm in depth. There was no way that you were going to pop these in your mouth in one go.

And even though I had a torrid Easter weekend, I couldn't help but raise a smile when I looked at the smiley-faced egg shapes. Thank you There and Back, that was an Easter egg that I am never going to forget.

Knitting And Surviving

It's been a week since I forced myself to write a post for this blog, and I do mean forced because if it had not been for Mr Smiley making a comment about me not writing and knowing it was because I didn't feel great, I wouldn't have done anything about it. This time I am writing because I feel I ought to to explain that I am still feeling low but I am still here reading my favourite blogs and occasionally writing a comment when I feel moved to. Even though I have been feeling down I have tried to focus my mind on things other than how I am feeling so knitting has been filling many of my waking hours, which have been occurring at any time day or night. In my last post I wrote about the projects that I was working on and I felt that it was time to show you that it wasn't just a case of working on things; some of them were even being completed.

This is the first of the projects that I wrote about last week. At that time I was getting close to completing this blanket and I actually finished it last Tuesday evening in time for the second clue for the mystery shawl KAL to be published.

This only shows a small portion of the blanket which is circular in shape and approximately 6 feet in diameter. There are seven distinct pattern elements to the blanket and a lace edging. I have to admit that knitting it was addictive and I found myself staying up late into the night occasionally because I wanted to do just one more row so that I could see how the pattern would turn out, but of course it never was just one more row.

Wednesday morning saw me switching on the computer and somewhat to my surprise finding the second clue for the KAL shawl already available for me to knit. I wasn't expecting it to be available until Wednesday evening. After about five hours of knitting, and only one mistake which was easily rectified, I had finished the second clue and had another wait of seven days for the third clue to be posted.

This is the first time that I have ever knitted in this fashion. It seems strange to have to work in fits and starts and to have absolutely no idea what the finished article is going to look like. However, from little snippets that the designer has posted to the KAL group site, we do know that each of the seven (or possibly eight) parts or clues will lead to a new feature being added to the shawl so it should be quite interesting to look at when completed.

I also wrote that I had a myriad of knitting projects on the go. One of them was a cardigan for which I had literally only managed to cast on the stitches for the back and knit a few rows. Well being so low has meant that when I haven't had the energy for anything else I have sat with my knitting and I have managed to finish the cardigan. It just needs the last of the seams to be sewn up and then it will be ready for wearing. The picture shows some detail from the right front of the cardigan and the lacy panel at the centre front is repeated on the cuffs of the sleeves. It is a long time since I have been quite so productive with my knitting and I still have more projects underway or on the planning board.

I have been feeling a little better today than I have for nearly three weeks. I'm hoping that this will see me starting to climb out of this deep depression but I know that it is probably going to be a long climb back to something that makes life more pleasant than it has been just recently.

Mr Smiley sent me a card a couple of weeks ago and I have it propped up by my bed because the words on the front of it are important. It says:

A Little Pep Talk

Repeat after me:
I am strong.
I am special.
I can do anything...

I am trying Mr Smiley; really I am.

Knitting For Sanity

Whether or not I post to this blog can be an indicator of how I am feeling. When Mr Smiley sent me an email yesterday he noted that I hadn't posted anything since Thursday and without me having said anything to him knew that I was feeling down. He was right; I'm having a bad time at the moment and while I often have things that I want to say, I don't have the energy or the enthusiasm to write anything.

For many this would not be a problem, but while writing on this blog is not actually a life-defining occurrence, it does have some meaning for my future studies with the OU. Later this year I will be taking a course in creative writing and taking a more advanced one next year. These courses will lead to me completing my second degree but will also give me a Diploma in Literature and Creative Writing.

Studying with the OU has been a life-saver for me over the last nine years but it hasn't all been plain sailing. Over the last few years I have only managed to complete one course because depression has made it impossible for me to continue with courses for which I was registered. I am hoping that by taking some creative courses rather than purely academic ones I will break this cycle of having to 'drop out'.

One of the few things that I manage to continue with while I am deeply depressed is knitting. I have become a little manic about it over the last few weeks and have more projects on the go than is usual, even for me. However, I am coming to the end of one of them, a beautiful circular lace blanket that will keep me warm next winter; I should finish it today because I am knitting the edging at the moment and as it is only a 6-row repeat pattern, it seems to be moving around the edge of the blanket at a good rate.

For the first time ever, I have also joined a KAL. For the uninitiated this is a knit-along, and it is for a mystery shawl. The 'mystery' is that none of us, except the designer, know what the finished shawl will look like. The pattern will be available in seven 'clues' which are published weekly; the first was posted on the KAL site last Wednesday and I made the decision to join on Thursday. Having found some yarn in my knitter's stash that would be sufficient for the project I set to work and had completed the 54 rows that made up the first clue within 24 hours. I now have to wait until tomorrow for the second clue which will give me sufficient time to finish knitting the blanket today and sew in the few yarn ends that need to be done before notification of the clue having been posted arrives tomorrow.

The designer lives in the US and plans to post the clue at about midday EDT so that means that it should be available for me to work on tomorrow evening. Once I have finished the second clue I will have to wait again for the next one so I shall get to work on a cardigan for myself in the meantime.

Knitting is keeping me sane at the moment, I am having so much trouble concentrating on things that I am not even able to read. So I have a couple of books sitting beside the bed waiting for the moment that the depression lifts and I can get back to another of the things that I love to do in my spare time.

Once I have the myriad of knitting projects back to realistic levels again, I may do some crocheting as a little light relief. Sending There and Back a book on 'How to Crochet' as part of her birthday present and receiving emails from her letting me know how she is progressing, has reawakened my enthusiasm for this craft. I have decided to make a new throw for my bed and I will be building this from 6-inch squares of various designs from a wonderful book that I bought a few months ago. Having decided on the colours that I am going to use I have to now decide which squares I am going to make and how to lay them out to create the overall effect. This will be the first time that I will have designed something on this scale and I know that it is going to be one of those projects that will take some time to complete, but the joy of crocheting squares of this size for joining together to make a larger object is that the project can be picked up and worked on in any spare moments.

So while I may not be feeling at my best I am still making sure that I find things to do to ensure that my brain doesn't atrophy and that I am engaged in something constructive to pass away the hours. And this has reminded me that I need to charge the battery for my camera so that I can post a few pictures of the projects as they are completed or are progressing.

Post Titles

Sometimes it can be almost as difficult to find a catchy and/or relevant title for a post as it is to write the post in the first place. And sometimes I can't think of what to write at all. Tuesday wasn't one of those days; I managed to add three posts to the blog, none of them particularly earth-shattering, but each of them having something to say about how I had spent my day and how I was feeling.

My visitor figures are never particularly outstanding, although it is nice to know that some people read what I say and take the time and effort to comment. I often wonder what draws people to the blog in the first place so I often have a look at what search terms people use that causes them to have their first look (or even draw them back again later).

I have commented in the past that the search terms "meeting under the clock at Waterloo", "what is a Shetland hap shawl" and "studying and depression" regularly bring readers to the site. Then there was the saga of the students in India who all arrived at the blog by searching for "procrastination is the thief of time"; I don't think that my post with that as its theme will have helped them very much.

Students studying one particular course with the OU (a course that I have studied and mentioned in my blog) arrive at the blog by searching for the subject of the extended essay that forms the final examinable component of the course. They will be somewhat disappointed with the results though because although I mention what the essay is about I don't give them any information that would help them with the essay.

On Tuesday I went out for the day in an effort to try to cheer myself up after a particularly difficult day on Monday. I wrote a post giving details of where I had been and what I had done. Later that same evening I added another post because I had forgotten to include one of the highlights of the day. It was a very short post compared with many on this blog, and it had what I thought was a catchy and relevant title considering the subject. Yesterday I had somebody arrive through searching "keyhole surgery". I don't think that they found what they were looking for though.

So should I be a bit more careful about what I call the posts or what I write about? I don't think so. After all, it may lead someone to become a regular reader, so I don't care how they find my blog; I only hope they take a moment to read it and maybe find something that is worth reading.

Keyhole Surgery

I forgot to mention one of the best things about the Hunterian Museum. You can have a go at keyhole surgery. Well perhaps not surgery, but you can try using the equipment to move some shaped objects into their shaped holes.

It wasn't easy but I did eventually manage to pick up two of the objects and put them into their respective holes. You definitely wouldn't want me operating on you.

Pounding The Streets And Being Educated

I wrote earlier that I thought that I would spend some time today doing something for me. I planned to visit one of London's museums and I thought that I would go somewhere that I had never been before. My post left cb wondering where I had decided to go, because cunningly I had not said where I had in mind just in case I decided on somewhere else before I got there.

I had decided to pay a visit to the Hunterian Museum at the Royal College of Surgeons. It is a small museum filled with anatomical specimens and surgical instruments that have been used over the last few hundred years. Many of the preserved specimens are from the animal kingdom, but there are also a significant number of human ones so that it is possible to see for oneself what some of the afflictions that we humans suffer can do to the body. Some of the earliest specimens are incredible not least because of the difficulty that there must have been in obtaining them and preserving them.

There is the skeleton of a giant as well as one of an incredibly small fully grown woman; there are all sorts of tumours in just about any part of the body that you can name; there is a wonderful collection of various sorts of stones that develop in the human body (some of them of such size that it makes your eyes water just to look at them); and there is a collection of surgical instruments that make you wonder how anyone managed to survive surgery at all.

It may be a small museum, but for someone who studied the history of medicine (including surgery) as part of their degree, I was absolutely fascinated.

After looking at all that I wanted to in the museum I left the Royal College of Surgeons and walked back towards the Strand. I then decided to make my way towards Trafalgar Square and the National Gallery where I decided that I would pass some time sitting looking at two of my favourite paintings. I sat looking at two paintings by Turner and could not help but marvel at the skill of this artist and at what he could bring to life on a canvas. I have written about these paintings before and I can spend hours looking at them because of the sheer pleasure that they bring me.

I then decided that it would be best to leave. One of the problems is that London is a tourist destination all year round, and at the moment London is filled with visiting schoolchildren from all over Europe. While I appreciate that many of them may not see such a collection of art in their home towns, it can spoil one's quiet contemplation of a favourite picture when surrounded by 30 or more youngsters being lectured about the paintings on view in a language that you don't understand.

So now I am home again. I feel so much better than I did yesterday, and I have spent some time being educated and in viewing paintings that stir my heart; and I did it for no cost other than the bus fare. I enjoyed my day out and I am now going to plan where I shall visit on my next outing of this sort.

Things Are Looking Brighter

I woke this morning (admittedly after only about four hours sleep) and the deep depression of yesterday had lifted substantially. Mr Smiley was right; writing yesterday's post, although difficult, did help me to deal with the emotions that the day had induced. And the kind thoughts from Alison (who has problems of her own at the moment) and cb were much appreciated.

I spent a little while not long after I woke this morning searching the web looking at places I might conceivably visit today as a means of taking my mind off things. So in a couple of hours time I am going to catch a bus up to the centre of London and go to visit a museum. I'm not absolutely certain where I shall be going yet but I do have one particular museum in mind which I have never visited before.

One of things that I will probably achieve is a state of tiredness, hopefully both physical and mental, and with luck this will enable me to sleep well tonight.

A Difficult Day

I wasn't going to write a post today (I'm not having a good day), but Mr Smiley thought that it might be a good idea and that writing about it might help me to deal with things.

I've been a little bit low for a couple of days, but today is truly horrendous. All I have to do is get through today and I know that things will look a little brighter tomorrow. But knowing that doesn't make things any easier.

Today would have been my husband's 60th birthday. This is the second of those 'big birthdays' since he died. I can't remember how I felt on what would have been his 50th birthday; it was only six months after he died and I was still having a problem coming to terms with things.

Birthdays and anniversaries are always the most difficult times for me, and probably anyone else in my position, however, things have been a little easier over the last few years. But this year, possibly because it is one of the 'big birthdays', I started to get that sinking feeling a few days ago although it wasn't until during my psychotherapy session that I verbalized what was bringing me down. I managed reasonably well over the weekend yet this morning I am feeling lower than I have for a fair while.

I am barely able to stop crying, focusing on anything for longer than about 30 seconds is not easy but I will try to keep going with my knitting and I'll watch anything that is remotely watchable on television (or find a DVD that might entertain me). I don't feel like cooking, so I have decided that I will have fish and chips tonight possibly accompanied by a glass or two of wine.

I'm going to try to keep my mind off what is causing me to feel so low. It's not going to be easy but I shall do my best and hopefully tomorrow I will be back to my slightly less depressed self.

How Therapy Went

Friday 20th March 2009 12.53pm

Hi Mr Smiley,

I'm afraid your message didn't quite manage to get to me before I left this morning. I had to leave a little earlier than normal so that I could pop into the shop to put some more credit on my Oyster card. I wasn't quite sure how much there was left on it so I wanted to make sure it was topped up.

Although I didn't get very much sleep last night I wasn't too anxious about today's session. Somewhat surprisingly we didn't talk too much about the termination of therapy today; I actually thought that would be what we talked about. It started of with the usual silence, and then 'D' spoke to me about a question that I threw at him last week as we were leaving the room. I don't know if I told you about it, but the question was "Why does a doctor decide to be a psychiatrist?" It's something that has occurred to me over the last few months having read numerous blogs by people who have mental health problems, by doctors (including a few psychiatrists), and medical students. Very few medical students seem to enjoy their psych placement (in fact they nearly all say that they hate it and wouldn't want to specialize in that area). Many of the mental health bloggers are very disparaging about the psychiatrists that they see, although I have to be honest and say that the ones that I have seen have been very nice and helpful too. I suppose that the problem is that dealing with mental illness is a lot more difficult than physical illnesses because it is much more difficult to find out what is causing the problem and treating it can seem like a lot of witchcraft.

We talked about this for a while, although 'D' never did answer the question. Am I surprised? Not really, I suppose that I knew that I wasn't likely to get a straight answer, but I will ask him again when we have our last session.

The rest of the session was about how I feel. The anger, the hurt, the loneliness; all those sorts of things. We talked about whether I tried to do all the things that I do instead of trying to deal with how I feel. I also talked about not having had the chance to say goodbye to the people that meant most to me, how I was at a remove from all of them at their last moments, and how I wasn't able to tell them how much I loved them. I also talked about trying not to think about birthdays and anniversaries because that always sets me on a spiral downwards and how I have managed to forget 'G's' birthday for the last couple of years, but that this year it reared its head again. I think that the reason is that next Monday, 'G' would have been 60, and it has made me realize how long I have been without him.

So all in all it was a pretty traumatic session. Since I have been home I have had a quick phone call from There and Back thanking me for the email and the ecard this morning. Lots of the nurses wished her 'happy birthday' this morning and they gave her a birthday cake which they all ate before her Mum arrived to pick her up to take her home for the afternoon and evening. She had just arrived home when she rang me and had found lots of cards and presents there. She is really intrigued to find out what my present is, but she won't be opening it for a while because she is going to go into town to do some shopping with her Mum. She's going to email me when she has opened it so that I can send her the email which explains what I had thought she could do with the present.

Well, I think that's it for now. It's been difficult to write this because everything is still rather raw, but I've stopped crying now and I am going to get myself something to eat, then I shall put my feet up and relax.

Speak to you later.

Love Madsadgirl xx

A Night's Sleep

After a number of night's where I have not slept well, or not slept sufficiently because of getting involved in my knitting, I managed to get quite a few hours sleep last night (and this morning).

Yesterday I had to go into one of the shopping centres that my home is situated between (it's almost halfway between both of them and there is sufficient differences in the shops available to warrant the use of both for different purposes). I needed to post a package, and I needed to get something to put it in so going to the centre that has a large Post Office was necessary. This also happens to be the centre that has my nearest shop for knitting supplies and I wanted to have a look for some wool for my stash (knitters love having a stash that they can dip into when the need arrives).

After posting my parcel (a present and card for There and Back whose birthday it is tomorrow) I decided to walk to the large Sainsbury's that is further down the high street. When I say further down, I actually mean almost two miles further down, but it meant that I could buy the one or two things that I can't get in the smaller Sainsbury's in the other shopping centre. While there I decided to take advantage of its cafeteria and treated myself to lunch, a huge jacket potato with cheese and baked beans and a good helping of side salad all washed down with a glass of diet Pepsi. At least it was a healthy meal and like many of those with severe depression I am often guilty of not eating regularly or healthily.

Then I started on the long walk home, with a promise of calling into the wool shop on the way. While in there I found a lovely multicolour yarn that I though would be good for the stash with a view to it being used for a really colourful afghan. I had made a calculation of how much I would need for the afghan and decided to buy a couple of extra balls (just in case) but when we started to look for sufficient balls of the same dye lot, it was not possible. So I decided to settle for half of my requirement in one dye lot and half in another. This meant that hopefully any slight difference in the colours can be disguised by using the dye lots alternately. There was also one ball which had lost its label which meant that it couldn't be sold so the owner very kindly gave me that one for free. This means that with the extra balls that I bought for 'just in case' I may actually have enough to knit a short-sleeved jumper for myself for wearing at home in the summer. I call that a bargain.

So now I had to walk the last part of the way home, but this time somewhat laden with my shopping. Neither of the bags were heavy, but they were bulky and I was getting warm and feeling the effects of all my exercise. I made it home, kicked off my shoes from my now throbbing feet and sat down to take a rest. I had walked a lot further than I had done for a long time and the unaccustomed exercise had taken its toll. It didn't take too long for my legs to stiffen up and I ended up struggling around for the next couple of hours like a very old woman. And if you read this Mr Smiley, I don't want any smart comments.

Last night I went to bed at a reasonable hour, read until my eyes could hardly stay open, then fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. Apart from a couple of brief wakeful periods (one for a call of nature and one to get something to eat because my stomach was rumbling) I slept until 10am this morning. And I am feeling the benefit of that sleep.

I'm planning to go for another walk this afternoon, but nothing quite as demanding as yesterday, and hoping to sleep well again. I know that is not certain because Thursday nights usually end with little sleep as I get anxious about Friday's psychotherapy session. But I can hope, can't I?