Continuing To Go Downhill

I am continuing to fall deeper into depression and finding life very difficult to sustain. I know that this is in part due to my wedding anniversary approaching and no matter how hard I try to ensure that I don't think about it, the fact that it is another year alone keeps invading my mind.

But this is not the biggest factor affecting me at the moment. Unfortunately, the thing that is causing me most of my problems is something that I have brought on myself by agreeing to do something, without first giving sufficient thought to the possible affect it may have on me and my mood. I think that I have a strong sense of duty and I believe it is that which led me to agreeing to the request without considering the impact.

Last week I received an email asking if I would agree to meet with the person who got the job that I applied for earlier this year. The request was somewhat vague and I have had rather conflicting information about what it is that is hoped to be achieved from the meeting. I know that I have to write to the person who asked me to attend this meeting for more information on what he hopes will be achieved, but I also need to let him know that I am now having serious reservations about this meeting because of the effect it is having on me.

Tuesday's psychotherapy session focused on my having agreed to a meeting that was obviously having a very detrimental effect on me. My therapist sought to find out why I agreed to the meeting so quickly after the request was made. He thinks that I have made a mistake because of the effect that it is having on me; I think that he is probably right. He thinks that I do these things because I don't want to upset anyone or to let them down. The result is that I end up punishing myself when simply saying 'No' would have stopped that from happening.

Although it is difficult to string two sentences together at the moment I am going to see if I can manage to get back to blogging on a daily basis. I'm not sure how interesting the posts will be, but it can be good for me and I think that I need to make the effort, not least because I have been very heartened by the fact that people are still looking at the blog on a daily basis and because I have had some lovely messages hoping that I will soon be back to regular blogging. Special thanks to Little Feet who wrote an email hoping that I was okay and who prompted me to write the previous post which explained that things were not going well.

I Tempted Fate

I'm afraid that I made a big mistake in writing and publishing my last post.  Talk about tempting fate.  Everything had been going well with the knitting and I was looking forward to finishing the fifth pattern repeat, but as I approached the end of the 11th row of the pattern I realised that I was a stitch short.  I did a quick count of stitches and there were only 116 when I should have had 117. The problem was that I couldn't determine where the mistake had been made so I had to start unpicking the row one stitch at a time. When I had done that I counted again and I was even more adrift. Somewhere along that row I had dropped another stitch so another row had to be undone, and then another.  I am half way along that row now and I have decided to take a break for a few minutes to regain my composure.  I hope that when I have undone this row I should have the right number of stitches on the needle, or be able to see where the mistake is so that I can correct it and carry on again. 

I can't help thinking that if I hadn't stopped knitting to take a picture of what I had completed so far and then written that post, the error may never have occurred.  It is enough to make you cry; I haven't quite got to that stage yet although if I can't find the error tonight I am going to have to put the shawl aside and do something a little easier for the rest of the evening.  Sometimes I wonder why I chose to knit this shawl in the first place.