Friday, 7 May 2010

Continuing To Go Downhill

I am continuing to fall deeper into depression and finding life very difficult to sustain. I know that this is in part due to my wedding anniversary approaching and no matter how hard I try to ensure that I don't think about it, the fact that it is another year alone keeps invading my mind.

But this is not the biggest factor affecting me at the moment. Unfortunately, the thing that is causing me most of my problems is something that I have brought on myself by agreeing to do something, without first giving sufficient thought to the possible affect it may have on me and my mood. I think that I have a strong sense of duty and I believe it is that which led me to agreeing to the request without considering the impact.

Last week I received an email asking if I would agree to meet with the person who got the job that I applied for earlier this year. The request was somewhat vague and I have had rather conflicting information about what it is that is hoped to be achieved from the meeting. I know that I have to write to the person who asked me to attend this meeting for more information on what he hopes will be achieved, but I also need to let him know that I am now having serious reservations about this meeting because of the effect it is having on me.

Tuesday's psychotherapy session focused on my having agreed to a meeting that was obviously having a very detrimental effect on me. My therapist sought to find out why I agreed to the meeting so quickly after the request was made. He thinks that I have made a mistake because of the effect that it is having on me; I think that he is probably right. He thinks that I do these things because I don't want to upset anyone or to let them down. The result is that I end up punishing myself when simply saying 'No' would have stopped that from happening.

Although it is difficult to string two sentences together at the moment I am going to see if I can manage to get back to blogging on a daily basis. I'm not sure how interesting the posts will be, but it can be good for me and I think that I need to make the effort, not least because I have been very heartened by the fact that people are still looking at the blog on a daily basis and because I have had some lovely messages hoping that I will soon be back to regular blogging. Special thanks to Little Feet who wrote an email hoping that I was okay and who prompted me to write the previous post which explained that things were not going well.


Anonymous said...

I do hope you keep up the blog when you feel this torn up. Even if only to write one sentence. I sympathize with your stress and hope the meeting is a positive one. Best wishes and take it easy.

JaneB said...

It's good to hear that you are still struggling on, even though I wish you were better.

I can really relate to the "automatic yes" reaction, and hope you manage to resolve the issue to your own satisfaction

steph said...

I admire your sense of duty but not when it's at the expense of your own well-being.

You've already paid the price in terms of that job. I fear that the meeting would only rub salt into your wounds.

Please be sure to make yourself the number 1 priority in whatever you decide.