Burning The Candle At Both Ends

It has been three weeks since I last blogged. Every morning I wake up and say to myself that I must write something today but never do. It is perhaps in part because I don't think that anything very exciting has happened to me, but more realistically the reason is that I seem to have been burning the candle at both ends.

I have been frantically knitting during every spare moment to complete the things that are to be Christmas presents. The big pieces are now finished and awaiting blocking, and just a few small items still need to be done. Hopefully they can be completed fairly quickly, but I have been commissioned to knit a few other items so they have to take precedence. The consequence of all this is that I seem to be constantly searching for more hours in the day while getting more and more tired as each day passes. In fact, I have been so busy that I haven't had time to be depressed.

Thursday evenings are taken up with teaching my crochet class. Two groups of students have now completed the course and gone out into the world with new skills and an enthusiasm to continue improving. Another course has been squeezed in before Christmas and like the previous two is completely sold out. It just goes to show that there is a real desire by people to learn the old skills of knitting and crochet because the knitting courses are regularly full too.

I'm going to have a few weeks break from teaching after the New Year so that I can spend some time with the Thursday knitters, something that I miss out on when I am teaching, but a fourth course should begin about the middle of January. The break will also mean that I can do some knitting for myself for a change. I need some new woollies, so I shall be knitting myself a cardigan and a sweater to remedy this situation.

Last week I was asked to move from the building that I have been living in since July to one just around the corner from it. So the bags had to be packed (I couldn't believe how much yarn I had accumulated in my stash) and I moved into my new (temporary) accommodation. I now have a much larger room, my own bathroom, and fantastic kitchen facilities shared with the other residents in the house. I see little of my neighbours, who are all male, nor do I hear much of them when they are in.

Yesterday I decided that I would have a go at making a cake. I'm not a spectacular cook, but I can be quite innovative when I want to be and being someone who really doesn't like Christmas cake because I just don't like currants, sultanas and raisins, I have been mentally developing a cake recipe for some weeks now that would be a tasty replacement for the more traditional cake.
The end result was a quite dark coloured cake (that was the dark brown sugar rather than it being burned) which was filled with glacé cherries, chunks of dark chocolate, walnut pieces, cranberries (okay, so these were dried but I plumped them up again by putting them in saucepan with the juice of two oranges and one lemon and lemon zest and orange rind). I had a slice (or two) last night and while the cake is definitely not repulsive it still needs a little work on the recipe but I think I know what to do to improve it and I will be experimenting with the recipe again in a couple of weeks to hopefully produce something that is a bit closer to what I was trying to achieve. I think that I had better write down the recipe so that I know what I am tweaking as further test cakes are made.

So. having sat in bed with my laptop on my knees, I don't really have any excuses for not writing on a more regular basis again, and that is what I propose to do. I shall write a post before I get up in the morning and woe betide me if I make an excuse not to do so

Tonight's The Night

Tonight sees the start of my first crochet class. My bag is packed with two different lots of knitting (neither of them very taxing) that I will work on this afternoon until it is time for the class to begin, and my batch of samples so that the lovely ladies (I am assuming that they are all ladies although more gentlemen are starting to knit and crochet) can see what the same series of rows produce when using the different stitches.

I didn't sleep very well last night so after having a cup of tea and some toast for breakfast, I climbed back into bed and slept for another couple of hours. Then it was time for a lovely long shower and I'm now sitting waiting for lunch to be served. One thing is certain about this hostel; the staff are determined that no-one will go hungry. There is always a cooked breakfast of some sort for those who want it (I usually stick to a couple of slices of toast and the staff all know of my love of a toasted crust so that is what I get most mornings), a hot lunch (today's is chicken curry and rice), a hot evening meal (beef hotpot tonight, although I will miss that but if I wanted they would put some aside for me to heat up when I get back from knitting group) and sandwiches at 8pm and 10pm.

I'll let you know how things go with the class.

I Won A Prize!

As regular readers will know, I go to a knitting group on a Wednesday afternoon/evening at I Knit London. Over the last few weeks I have also been going on a Thursday. Some of my fellow knitters go to just one of the evenings, but there are a few who attend both.

This week we have been raising money for Mencap by selling cake and cups of tea and coffee. There has also been a raffle which had 12 donated prizes including a wonderful bag of goodies from the Knitter magazine, a lovely lace shawl, a gift voucher from I Knit London, several prizes of various toiletries from one of the local shops, and some note cards and photograph frames donated by Mencap.

I was very good last night and managed to avoid the cakes but I did buy some raffle tickets. This evening I bought a couple more raffle tickets and indulged in some cake and cookies. It was nice to be able to support a charity while we were enjoying our evening's knitting.

At about 7.30 this evening it was time for drawing the winning tickets in the raffle. My record for winning prizes in a raffle used to be very good years ago, but in recent years my luck in such events has been appalling and it seemed that this was going to be another of those unlucky occasions. As the winning tickets were drawn prizes were won by those who had bought the tickets immediately before and immediately after those that I had bought both yesterday and today. It is bad enough to be so close once, but when it happened four times I was beginning to feel a little paranoid. And then it was time for the eighth prize to be given, and somewhat unbelievably, mine was the winning ticket.

My prize was a set of beautiful note cards. They are made from beautiful thick handmade card with a wonderful flocked design on the front. The design is swirling flowers and leaves and there are two each of three colours, black, brown and white. And the box that they come in has the same lovely flocked design on its lid making it a very beautiful gift.

What is extra specially nice about this prize is that not only has Mencap been the focus of our fund-raising, but the note cards have been made in a fair trade project in rural Bangladesh for Mencap. The cards are just so beautiful that I would find it difficult to use them. However, I will use them when I want to send a greeting or communication to someone special.

I wish that my luck in other areas of my life could be as good.

Feeling The Strain

It's been a busy week for me. Okay, so it's not been busy like it was when I was working full-time and studying for a degree in the few spare hours that I had, but busy for how my life is now.

The problem with depression is that it saps what little energy you have. I know that I don't eat properly which probably doesn't help much, and while I am at last getting a reasonable amount of sleep each night due to the addition a month ago of 400mg of Seroquel to the 45mg of Mirtazapine that I was already taking, I still find that doing many things really takes it out of me.

I didn't do much on Monday other than what was necessary. I had a misfortune with the sock that I was knitting and had to pull it off the needles and unravel it, ready to start again. I decided to draft out the chart for the next of the sock designs, and 'Spades' quickly took shape on paper to be followed a short time later by work with needles and wool.

Tuesday was psychotherapy day and this week was one of the most intense sessions that I have ever experienced not only with my present therapist but the others who had preceded him. I know that I have sometimes talked about feeling like a limp lettuce after psychotherapy when the session has taken me to difficult places in my mind, but Tuesday's session was different; I didn't feel like a limp lettuce, I just felt mentally and physically drained from the effort that I had put into the session as well as somewhat exhilarated by what had been achieved. When I got home I found it difficult to settle to anything and consequently lots of things got started and then stopped again as my mind couldn't cope with what I was trying to achieve.

Yesterday, Wednesday, I went to the knitting group. Although the group officially meets from 6-9pm, it is usual for some of us to be there before that time. I arrived at about 4pm and sat chatting with the girls in the shop and with a couple of other members of the group who were also there early. I still find it difficult being in a room with a lot of other people, but I have learnt through experience that if I am there early and the room fills up around me that I can cope with it quite well, but if I am required to enter a room that is full of people already then I know that I am going to find the situation much more difficult and I am likely to just stay on the edge of the group rather than joining in. I managed to get a fair bit of knitting done at the group, finishing the leg part and creating the heel flap and starting the turning of the heel.

Today, I had an appointment with my consultant psychiatrist this morning and this afternoon a visit to the CMHT. Dr M was his usual kind self, although today he had two medical students in with him and he was concerned that I may not be happy for them to stay during the consultation. A few years ago I would never have accepted anyone else in the room, but I know that it is very difficult for medical students to get a real feel for the various specialties if all the patients refuse to allow them to stay. These days I am more likely to agree to them remaining with the proviso that if I start to become uncomfortable with the situation that they can be asked to leave. We talked about how I was coping day to day, how my mood has been, and whether I was able to write regularly on the blog. I also told him about going to the knitting group and working on some sock designs for the design competition. We talked about my medication and it has been decided to leave it as it is for the time being to see how I get on over a longer period with the present drug regime, so it's 200mg of Sertraline in the morning and the Mirtazapine and Seroquel at night.

From the hospital it was a bus ride to the CMHT and a meeting with the two workers who are going to be helping me over the next few months cope with the things that I just haven't been able to face for a long time.

This evening I have been taking it easy. I've played a few games on my DSi and done a bit of knitting and I'll probably do a little more before taking my medication and heading for bed. I'm tired, and I don't have to get up early tomorrow to get anywhere so I can have a lie in if that's how things turn out. I guess that I have to expect that I won't be able to do all the things that I did 20 years ago, but I'm just not happy with admitting that I am getting old as well as being depressed.

Three Girls At The Fountains

Okay, so I know that isn't really the name of the film, or its title song, but the meeting place for Faye, Lily and myself on Saturday was Trafalgar Square just a few yards from one of the famous fountains there. Saturday brought my busy week to an end and was a lovely day spent with two lovely young ladies. We met at about 12.45 and made our way to the restaurant where we were going to have lunch. This turned out to be a very leisurely affair. We took ages to order our food because we were so busy talking (I think the waitress had three attempts at taking our order) and we also managed to save some money because I had found a discount voucher online which meant that one of our pizzas came free. After lunch we walked across Waterloo Bridge and made our way to I Knit London, the wool shop where I go to my knitting group. Faye bought some wool and a circular needle to make a blanket for her young cousin, and Lily bought a crochet hook which has a light in it so she can crochet in the dark. After making the purchases we headed across the road to a small park which is situated opposite the Old Vic and sat there talking for several hours. Eventually it was time for us to go our separate ways; Lily was going to meet her sister, Faye was off to meet another friend at Greenwich, and I was to wend my way home.

I can't remember the last time that I had such a busy week, and things have started in a similar vein this week with me spending all morning at the hospital for my pre-operation assessment. The operation is to deal with the little problem that I have that is not mentioned in polite society and I can't wait to have the operation because life is just so uncomfortable for me at the moment. I'm hoping that I won't have to wait too long for a date for the surgery.

Tomorrow is psychotherapy day and I must go and do a bit of shopping afterwards. I need to buy some food and a dressing gown. At home I don't bother with such a thing, but I have been told that I need to take one with me when I go for surgery to cover up my nether regions owing to having to wear a wonderful hospital gown that probably will leave everything open for anyone to see.

I may actually be able to spend most of Wednesday at home, although I will be going to the knitting group Wednesday evening and it makes sense to go a couple of hours before it actually starts because it means that I can then miss the crowds at rush hour.

Apologies Again

I must apologise again for not posting. Life for me is still very difficult and not being made any easier by almost certainly having to look for a new home. This is something that perhaps may turn out to be a blessing in disguise, but it doesn't make it any easier when at the moment it is as much as I can do to drag myself out of bed each day.

Tuesday's psychotherapy session was difficult. I have a half written post about it and about the meeting later that day with the guy who got the job that I applied for at the beginning of the year. I will finish it and publish it tomorrow. Yesterday I was feeling so awful that I couldn't face going out to the knitting group, which was a bit of a pain because I wanted to look to see if the shop had some more of the fabulous yarn that I bought a couple of weeks ago. Today I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, the nice Dr M, and as a result I now have to go to see my GP tomorrow to get a prescription for another additional antidepressant. Dr M is really concerned about how depressed I am and that I am not sleeping, which is probably making the depression even worse.

I'm hoping that Saturday turns out to be a nice day because I am meeting Lily and Faye in Trafalgar Square and we are going to have lunch together and possibly go looking at knitting supplies. I won't need to buy anything because I went to the knitting shop after I had been to see Dr M today and manage to secure the yarn that I wanted to add to that which I had bought a couple of weeks ago and I can now knit the shawl that I had hoped to be able to make with it. It's going to be a project for the future because I really don't think that I am in the right frame of mind to start working on it at the moment. If I can't even manage to read a book because my concentration is so bad, then there is no chance that I can knit a complicated lace shawl which requires me to follow several charts at the same time. When I do eventually get the shawl started I will post some pictures of my work of art as it progresses. It is not going to be a quick project, but I am sure that it will be worth the effort in the end.

It Was A Rhetorical Question

Okay, so it was a bit stupid to entitle yesterday's post "Why Do Socks Have To Be Made In Pairs", but my point was that having knitted one sock, I always hate having to knit its pair rather than starting a new project.

I am also aware that it is possible to knit both socks at the same time if you use circular needles, but having tried it once and having found that I didn't know whether I was coming or going, I will stick to knitting socks on double-pointed needles and one at a time.

So, as we are on the subject of socks, I have progressed on the one that I am knitting at the moment. Heel was turned yesterday, stitches picked up on both sides of the heel flap, and the necessary decreases have been made. I am now about half way to where I need to start the toe decreases. I don't suppose that I will get to that stage tonight, but I will certainly do my best to get as much done as possible.

Tomorrow is psychotherapy day, so that means having to get up early and the morning being taken care of. Then I shall go into town for lunch before going off to the meeting that I wrote about last week. That pretty much takes care of most of tomorrow, so I will be glad to get home to do a bit of knitting to unwind from what will probably be a quite traumatic day.

Then on Wednesday I shall be going to the knitting group again. I am really enjoying going to the shop and sitting with a group of knitters, who chat while they knit and have a drink or two, too. I'm going to take my socks with me (I should be well on the way with the second one by then) as well as the lace shawl that I am working on. That way I can have a choice of what I work on. If I manage to finish the socks, I will make sure that I have some wool with me so that I can start another pair if I want to. Socks are definitely easier to be working on when you are chatting; lace knitting is not always the best thing to be working on if you are chatting while you are knitting.

I also have a day planned for Saturday. But more about that later.

Best Foot Forward

Well, I'm afraid that I didn't do as I said I would. Last night I did not go to bed early and I didn't get much sleep. And it wasn't just my knitting that was to blame.

I managed to finish the leg part of the sock and I did a few rows of the heel flap and then put my knitting down. I then got myself ready for bed and actually climbed into bed, but sleep was unfortunately on the agenda. I tried reading but that didn't work, so I turned to Sudoku puzzles in the hope that they would do the trick. Unfortunately not. Sleep just would not come no matter how hard I tried, and the harder I tried the more awake I seemed to become. I did eventually manage to drop off only to be woken by the alarm after what seemed like only a couple of hours sleep. It was probably more than I thought, but it wasn't really enough to allow me to feel refreshed.

But having got up with the alarm, I ensured that my bed didn't call to me by taking a cold(ish) shower, then washed my hair and towel dried it. This meant that I had lost that lovely warm bed feeling that makes it so difficult to get up when you don't want to and I was soon ready to leave for my psychotherapy appointment.

Psychotherapy was really hard today. It was both physically and emotionally overwhelming at times, but for all that it was a session where a great deal was achieved. The session finished with my therapist asking me about last week's assessment appointment. He asked what had been talked about, whether I had been given any indication as to whether I would be accepted for group psychotherapy (I was and I have been), and whether I had learnt anything from the appointment (yes, I had). We then talked for a few minutes about how hard I was likely to find group therapy. Then the ordeal was over and with a goodbye, see you next week, it was time for me to go.

I then went to do a bit of shopping (lots of vegetables for some more vegetarian dishes that I want to try), lunch and then the bus home. Since arriving back home I have been trying to relax and recover from the effects of psychotherapy. I've read a few blogs, read a few emails and written one, made a telephone call and received one in reply to my call, but most of all I have been knitting. The heel flap has been completed, the heel has been turned, and now I am working my way towards the toe. I won't finish the sock tonight, but I will do as much as I can before tiredness overcomes me, and I am sure that it will overcome me tonight.

Tomorrow, I am going to go shopping for a new mobile phone and then I am going to join a knitting group for a few hours in the evening. Not the same group that I was with last week; this time it is going to be a group that meets a couple of evenings a week in the shop where I have been buying wool for the last couple of months. And the shop has a drinks licence too.