Wednesday, 27 January 2010

A Black Day And The Black Dog

I would be lying if I said that I am okay about not getting the job. I am absolutely devastated and more than that I am questioning my ability to do anything successfully and whether there is much point in carrying on with life. I think that what makes it worse is the fact that I was the person who suggested the creation of this post in the first place. I have not had any feedback, just a phone call to let me know that I didn't get the job.

The depression which landed me in hospital last October had been receding over the last couple of weeks but now I find that the world looks very black again. I am supposed to be writing a short story as my final submission for the OU course that I am doing at the moment (it needs to be submitted by midday on Friday) but the likelihood of me managing that is extremely remote now. I will try to get it done tomorrow but it is not going to be easy. My ability to concentrate on anything has gone completely and it is going to take a great deal of concentration to write something that includes all of the things that are required.

I also have to now consider whether I want to carry on doing the presentations about patients having access to their medical records. I have not received any payment for any of the presentations and I have to pay my own travelling expenses too. I am not rich, I live on pensions from my service in the RAF and the Civil Service. They are not large sums of money but they are sufficient to ensure that I get no financial help from the government. Working for six months would have given me the wherewithal to be able to have a holiday, something that I have not had for two years now.

I would like to say a really big thank you to all of you have taken the time to wish me luck and, more importantly today, to commiserate on my news. I will try to keep blogging but I am sure you will understand if I find it difficult to do so.


Bippidee said...

I hope that things don't slide too much for you. It sounds like you would have been perfect for the job, and are already doing so much towards it, that I really am suprised you didn't get it. Personally I would ask for feedback, as I think that is the least you are entitled to in the circumstances, and it may make you feel a little better about things if you understand their decision. I hope that you are able to keep up your blogging, as the community support thing may help you, but try not to expect too much of yourself if you are not feeling good, and just do what you feel able to do. Thinking of you. x

Achelois said...

Please please don't let this make you give up. Please don't climb down into that abyss of despair you have been working so hard not to return to. Please everyone post/email to support.

Please don't take this as a personal rejection of everything you are. You are so much more than a job. If this were me I would ask for the specific reason you didn't get the job, I applied for one when I was able to work and was so surpised at the reason I didn't get it when I asked (and you are entitled to know) I actually laughed. The person that pipped me to the post had a skill I wouldn't have wanted anyway!! I understand about not having enough money to go on holiday I haven't had one in ages either.

Perhaps it is time to take a stand and not pursue the patient access to medical records with not even your out of pocket expenses being met. But maybe it is therapeutic for you to continue. Whilst you are feeling low perhaps its not the right time to make major decisions.

I really understand that this news has come as a blow and knocked your confidence. But if you knew how many people via your blog and more really believe in you and wish you could see what we see.A strong and vibrant human being.

Of course I understand if you don't feel like blogging but please try to eat and look after yourself. You are worthy.

Take care virtual friend and I know its hard to pick oneself up do that dust yourself off thing and start all over again but you won't be going back to the beginning because you have come so far already.

I believe in you I just wish you could believe in you.

If you feel as though you are not coping at all. Please contact the crisis team - that is what they are there for.

Take care and please accept a massive virtual hug. You deserve one.

alhi said...

Hang in there, but I think you are right to have a think about whether you want to continue giving the presentations. I know that you do it with B but at the very least you need to start being asked for reimbursement for time and money.
And please try and find out why you did not get the job.
Take care.

Fuddled Medic said...

Feedback will at least give you something to think about and something to work with.
Good luck with the story, hope everything goes ok for you.

JaneB said...

I've only recently found your blog, so I think this is my first comment. So sorry to hear this news. I can completely sympathise with how you are feeling and hope it passes reasonably quickly. Be kind to yourself! Which is easier to say than to do, I know.

by the way, you are a great blog writer, and as someone with (officially mild) depression reading places like this make me feel so much less alone, it IS worthwhile...