Sunday, 11 January 2009

A Dark Place

I have just spent the last couple of days in a very dark place.  It has not been a comfortable experience and it is not over yet. Much of the last 36 hours has been spent sleeping, yet even here I am not safe.  I needed the sleep, having slept very badly for the last couple of weeks, but I did not need the nightmares, and the strange noises that woke me at regular intervals.

I don't want to hear the doorbell ringing at 3 in the morning, or a dog barking beside me when I don't have a dog.  Nor do I want to hear the sound of my husband dying and not be able to do anything about it.  All of these things have happened in the last 24 hours, and none of them were real.  They were all in my mind.

Being in such a dark place is not where I want to be, but getting out of it is not easy.  Today I will try to focus my mind on writing an essay.  It will not be easy, I know, but only by focusing on one thing at a time can I hope to avoid the dark thoughts invading my mind all the time.  


Clams Linguini said...

Dear Madsadgirl,

I'm sorry to hear that your having a bad time right now. I get these episodes too, the industrial-strength ones as yours seem to be -have done all my adult life. That, of course, means only that I know what it's like for me and can only make an informed guess at what it's like for you or anyone else. 'Intrusive negative ideations' they call these recurring thoughts. That's not what I call them.

I hope your head is empty soon of all thoughts but the ones you want to be there, and that you can get a bit of reading done then.


Anonymous said...

Hang in there. I know it's dark but you have been there before and surfaced and been all the more robust for it. On the rational side, you know you are vulnerable when you are exceedingly tired and therefore going to be suceptible to these nightmares and thoughts. At the moment you are exceedingly tired despite sleeping sleeping reasonably well over the weekend.... You know the rest of the story. I will write later to see how you are feeling. Squeeze my hand.:-))

Anonymous said...

I am sorry things are not going well for you at the moment but well done for getting to the GP. Hop that tomorrow is a better day. Hannah X