Sunday, 11 January 2009
A Dark Place
I have just spent the last couple of days in a very dark place. It has not been a comfortable experience and it is not over yet. Much of the last 36 hours has been spent sleeping, yet even here I am not safe. I needed the sleep, having slept very badly for the last couple of weeks, but I did not need the nightmares, and the strange noises that woke me at regular intervals.
I don't want to hear the doorbell ringing at 3 in the morning, or a dog barking beside me when I don't have a dog. Nor do I want to hear the sound of my husband dying and not be able to do anything about it. All of these things have happened in the last 24 hours, and none of them were real. They were all in my mind.
Being in such a dark place is not where I want to be, but getting out of it is not easy. Today I will try to focus my mind on writing an essay. It will not be easy, I know, but only by focusing on one thing at a time can I hope to avoid the dark thoughts invading my mind all the time.