Saturday, 6 September 2008
By This Time In The Day ...
... I have normally written at least one post. Today, however, while having a number of ideas about things that I want to write, I seem to be lacking the actual will to do anything about it. I woke at a reasonable hour this morning, looked through the curtains and saw the grim day outside and promptly went back to bed and fell asleep. Since then I have woken up, had something to eat and fallen asleep again. I've had a look to see who is saying what on the blogs that I read daily, and fallen asleep again. I am sure that you are starting to see a sort of pattern developing here. I am feeling a little bit strange; depressed perhaps, but not that bad, considering.
So why am I feeling so bad (or maybe not so bad), and why am I managing to be so philosophical about it all? Today is the 10th anniversary of the worst day in my life. Previously I have started to feel my mood go downhill a couple of weeks before this date, so that by the time that the day arrives I am very emotional and very low. Most years I have been in Corfu on this date, the last two years I have been in Canada, but this year I am at home, and alone. So that is the reason that I am feeling bad today, but I can be a bit more positive than that because I know how I have felt in the past, and this year I don't feel anywhere near as bad. Although falling asleep at various times throughout the day may not seem like the right thing to do, the mere fact that it is happening quite naturally means that I am not worrying about things too much and therefore it is not the most important and worrying thing on my mind.
So while I almost expect this to be a very unhappy day for me, the fact that I am coping so well today gives me hope for the future. It's never easy losing a loved one, it's even worse when it is very unexpected, and no matter how many people tell you that time will heal those feelings that you have, they won't. But maybe you can learn how to cope with them and find strategies for ensuring that they do not rule your life. This year I am sad, but I am not so depressed that I don't know how I am going to go on living.