Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Was This Really How My Life Was Meant To Be?

Depression is crowding in on me again. Having spent nearly a week in hospital and surviving the weekend at home I hoped that the slight improvement in my mood was an indicator that things were starting to get better. But I was wrong.

Last night it was about 3am before I got to sleep, which on the heels of only a couple of hours sleep on Monday night, meant that I woke this morning feeling dreadful. Not only am I tired but I am feeling much lower than either Monday or yesterday. It is that awful vicious circle again; feeling low so I can't sleep, not being able to sleep so I feel low.

The feeling of worthlessness is overpowering. I want to do so much but have neither the energy nor inclination to do anything. It is impossible to focus on anything for more than a few minutes, and for someone who was known for her focus and determination that is difficult to take.

I haven't been able to concentrate for long enough to read a book for many weeks now. Knitting, a pastime that I have enjoyed practically my whole life, is something that I can only do for a short period of a time before I have to take a break. This means that something that ought to take just hours to do is taking days.

Cooking has become an impossible chore and eating only a little less so. I know that it is not good that I am feeling this way about everyday things but it is almost impossible for me to do anything about it. Life, that once was so enjoyable, is now difficult to contemplate. The terrible thoughts of death and harm are forever crowding in and I seem powerless to stop them.

Was this really how my life was meant to be?


Susie said...

The way i look at things now, is that i may be surviving more but that doesn't always change the way you feel. It perhaps means coping strategies have changed/improved. For example i know right now mum is waiting for me to harm myself or OD (etc), but instead i stayed at the gym all morning, and took out my frustrations with my boxing gloves & a handsome gym instructor holding the pads.

My solution to the cooking issue right now? cuppa soups with something to dunk at lunch & jacket potatoes with a topping out of a tin or jar. Its amazing how even chewing can feel like it uses up so much energy.

I'm not sure there's a plan for any of us in life. I don't know if anyone can say this is how things were meant to be. I think i should stop this comment now otherwise i'm going to sound like even more of a hypocrit (sp?) than i already do.

take care


jessa said...

I've been feeling quite down along similar lines. I tried coming off all my psych pills and went right back down into oppressive depression and started starving myself again to deal with it. Now I know that the depression was never really gone, just fenced off. I feel like I'm mourning the loss of the possibility of a normal life. The depression will always be there waiting for me again, if my drugs stop working, if I have to come off my drugs for some reason, etc. It is a depressing realization. And I am so with you, Susie, on the chewing. It takes so long and so much energy, and it isn't only obnoxious because of the eating disorder, but also because of the depression. I'm back to work full-time, and with just that and all those activities of daily living, I feel a bit overwhelmed. There is too much I have to do and it requires more mental energy than I have.

DeeDee Ramona said...

The only thing I can say is this: I was depressed almost continuously and in and out of hospital for 3 years, but eventually I made a full recovery. Yes, I had another episode after 10 years and I will be bipolar forever, but for me it did go away. Eventually.

JaneB said...

Thinking of you. Hope some light dawns soon.

And faintly envious - I don't lose my ability to eat, just my ability to cook anything healthy or to CARE about what I eat. I am very overweight and it means that the medical system tends to take any other symptom less seriously, take ME less seriously.