Thursday, 29 October 2009

A Difficult Night

So I have spent a night at home. It was horrendous. Just about an hour of sleep and most of the night was spent crying, shaking and trying hard not to do anything too stupid.

I will shortly be going to the hospital again for Ward Round and I'm not sure how I am going to cope with it. I know that this was just a trial run at living on my own again, but I'm just not sure that I am ready yet. Those thoughts of suicide keep creeping into my mind and they are very difficult to shift. The fact that I can't concentrate on anything for more than a couple of minutes at a time means that I am still unable to stop the horrible thoughts invading and taking over my brain.

The problem is that today the policy is that mental illness should be treated in the community, but if you have no family and no developed support system, this can be very difficult to achieve. The change to my medication was only made on Monday and it really hasn't had a chance to kick in yet so I am left in the ridiculous situation of needing to spend more time in the hospital so that I can become more stable, but the probability that there won't be a bed for me when I say that I can't cope.

It is no wonder that so many people suffer from mental health problems for so long. Instead of being able to get well enough to be stable and able to cope with everyday life again in the atmosphere of a safe place, they end up being sent back home while still not well enough to look after themselves and thus more likely to need repeated admissions to hospital because they are never really well enough to have been turned out in the first place.

3 comments:

Alison said...

You have a very good point, it’s not so bad if you have a good support network such as friends and family who can be there for you. What would and can happen is that the crisis team or CHRT would and can follow you up at home daily from the hospital, but really they shouldn’t let you home from hospital whilst you are still experiencing suicidal thoughts especially if they have just changed your medication so soon. Perhaps they will give you a little longer to allow for it to kick in and try another overnight stay next week to see how that goes for you first. I wouldn’t like to see you going home if you’re not ready. x

Kate said...

So sorry to read of your recent struggles. I'm glad you got yourself to a safe place but I can only reaffirm your dissappointment with the system - as someone who sees 'revolving door' patients on a regular basis. It is far from acceptable just how many people are discharged back to the 'community' when thay are in no fit state to look after themselves, supposedly under the auspices of a very patchy and over-stretched support system. So many of my clients have no family or friends to speak of and for those that do, the burden is often overwhelming.
I do hope that you are able to access the care you need and that there will be a bed for you as long as you need it. I know that hospital is not the nicest place to be but your own safety is a priority.
Now is not the right time to start 'campaigning' for service user's rights but when you are better and stronger, you might be interested to look into advocacy as advocate services welcome fellow service users on their team.
For the time being, you just look after yourself as best as you can and put your foot down while demanding the care you need. I was going to suggest you took some of your lovely knitting back to occupy yourself with but I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't allow knitting needles on the ward.
I, like many others will be thinking of you at this time and sending waves of love!
Kate. x

Achelois said...

I just really hope things improve for you very soon. I will be thinking of you.