Friday, 29 May 2009

The Darkness That Is Depression

Why do I suffer these terrible black periods? What makes me fall into such a deep hole for no apparent reason? What did I do to deserve this?

I try not to think about how I am feeling. I try to occupy my mind with things that don't allow me time to think about myself. But when I get like this I find it difficult to concentrate, and lack of concentration allows those dark thoughts in.

There are so many things that I know that I should be doing.

I ought to be making sure that I eat properly, but cooking seems to be beyond my ability. Eating the wrong things is so much easier.

I ought to make sure that I get exercise, but I don't seem to have the energy or the enthusiasm. Lying in bed is so much more attractive.

So here I am, knowing that I need to do something, but physically and mentally unable to. Yes, I manage to take my medication, but it doesn't seem to help and the dark thoughts continue to find their way to the fore and I wonder why I continue to live.

It is no wonder that so many of those who fall into this depressive state turn to thoughts of self-harm or to suicide.

Are they the strong ones? I know that I can do neither of these things. All I can do is hope that these dark feelings will pass and I will come out the other side of this dark journey soon.


alhi said...

No, the people who self harm and attempt/commit suicide are not the strong ones. Both are wrong, both leave others wondering why and both hurt others.

K8B said...

The strong ones are those who, like you and me and so many others, just keep going through bad times and better times.

I have self harmed occasionally - it didn't help - I felt worse afterwards (despite the intial and very short lived relief).

As for suicide, well, as alhi said, it inflicts more pain on others (whether you know them or not). I don't think my pain is worse than anyone else's, so I have no right to inflict the pain of finding my body and dealing with the aftermath on anyone else. Whether that's a police officer, a pathologist, an embalmer or my friends and family.

We just have to keep on, and eventually, for an unspecified period of time, we will feel better.

Achelois said...

I just wanted to say your blog is on my reading list and incidentally I also knit although not nearly as well as you as have only recently started again after many many years of no clicking needles! I do not thankfully suffer with depression in the way you describe but a chronic condition known as ehlers danlos and as your words were describing how you are feeling today it made me think that there is many similarities in a way with the dark feelings you describe and my experience of physical pain caused by the condition I have and I think you are an inspiration because despite feeling so awful your last paragraph mentions hope and coming out the other side of your dark journey soon. When my physical pain is intolerable this is the way I feel and it keeps me going. You describe how you feel so eloquently. I sincerely hope you have a better day tomorrow. Thank you for your blog it is beautifully laid out and serves as a distraction for me when I am awake while the world sleeps. I have only recently started a blog and it is scrappy and full of random thoughts! Take care.