Friday, 10 October 2008

With A Bit Of Courage And Knocking Knees

Last night I attended my first tutorial since 2001.  One of the things that has happened to me since I started to suffer from depression is that I have found it very difficult being with people I don't know.  I didn't attend any tutorials while doing my first OU course, and only attended a couple during my second one.  After that I managed to get through all my courses without attending any, so to make the effort and attend one last night was quite an achievement.

First of all I had to go to a location that I had never been to before, but fortunately I found it pretty easily.  Then I had to summon up the courage to actually walk into the building, and then to find the room that the tutorial was to be held in.  I arrived very early, that's just one of my things, and I went up to the room about 30 minutes before the tutorial was due to begin.  This was so that I could be the first person in the room, walking in with somebody already being there might make it impossible for me to stay.  I found myself a seat as close to the door as possible and I sat there reading until the tutor arrived about 10 minutes later.

There are 24 people in the tutor group supposedly, but only eight of us attended so our tutor had a fairly easy time of it.  I stayed for the whole two hours, although I was beginning to feel very uncomfortable towards the end and I was out of the door like a shot when the tutorial was over.  A brisk walk of about a mile brought me to the bus stop that I needed, and within one minute my bus arrived.  As the tutorial location was at one end of the bus route, and I live at almost the other end of the route, the journey took an hour, then a brisk walk along the road and I was home.  In one piece.  

The next tutorial is next Thursday.  I don't know whether I will be going to it yet, we'll have to see how I am on the day.


alhi said...

Well done! I'm a bit like you in that I hate going places where I know no one and often feel socially inept and gauche when I have to enter a room full of people, none of whom I know.
Defintely try to go to next week's one, you never the friends you may make in such places.

steph said...

You did it! I hope you congratulated yourself afterwards and if not... do it now... as you read this. Very well done! I'm sending you a virtual hug!

Which bit of the evening did you enjoy the most/least dislike? Try to focus on that moment whenever you think about the next tutorial.

As you say, wait to see how you feel on the day before deciding if you'll attend next week. In theory, it should get easier from now on as you know what to expect. Fingers crossed!

Caroline said...

well done you, I know that feeling and I know it takes ovaries to overcome it, particularly not to run when you have reached your limit and the voice in your head is telling you to get out NOW. I don't know if it helps but I have felt like that (and still do more often than I like to admit) and you know what? Nobody can see it from the outside - the people in that room will have been unaware of your feelings or your courage - keep walking the walk and be proud of yourself

The Shrink said...

Good on you for toughing it out, I always found that tutorials saved me work in the long run so no matter how painful they can be, it was time better spent.