Having to Go Hungry and Other Things

I had a light breakfast this morning, a slice of toast as I was directed in the instructions that I received when I had my referral consultation at the local hospital last week, and that will be my last solid food until tomorrow evening. Why am I having to go hungry for so long? Tomorrow I have the unenviable joy of having a colonoscopy, so I have to stop eating, drink plenty of clear fluids, and then take two doses of jollop, one this evening and the second first thing tomorrow morning, to clear out my system completely so that they can get a good view of my insides.

It just so happens that I have had this particular jollop before, and although the consultant apologetically told me that I would have to take this before the procedure "so that they could get a clear, unobstructed view" I wasn't too upset because it's not actually that bad. The problem comes about an hour or so after you have taken it, but it is effective and did it's job last time.

As someone who suffers from depression, I have often had periods when I lost all interest in eating and sometimes had to be forced to eat something in front of other people so that they could I ensure that I had something each day. As it happens I have been going through one of those periods over the last week or so, where instead of having my normal two meals a day it has been difficult to face even one. However, you know what it is like, as soon as you can't eat, for whatever reason, you suddenly feel hungry.

Fortunately, this has not happened to me so far. I have been unable to sleep very well over the last few days (another side-effect of depression, and probably anxiety about the colonoscopy) so I was up and about at 5am this morning, and had eaten my solitary slice of toast by 6am. As the time rapidly approaches noon, I have to say that I am not feeling too bad. I have been doing as instructed and been drinking plenty of clear liquids. Water early on, and then a Diet Coke a little while ago, but although I do not feel in the least bit hungry (thankfully) I have this sudden urge for a lovely hot cup of tea. Well, that would be alright if I could have some milk in it, but I can't, and it's not a cup of fruit tea that I crave, but a good strong brew with a dash of milk. Typical, isn't it? You always want what you can't have.

It's going to be a long day for me tomorrow as I have my regular psychotherapy session tomorrow morning in one hospital, and then have to go to another one in the afternoon for the colonoscopy. Fortunately, the two hospitals are very near each other, so all I will have to do is kill a couple of hours with a good book between appointments.

I have previously remarked that therapy is hard, and the last few sessions have been very difficult, but I feel that it is helping me to find out about myself and why I am the way I am so it is not a wasted effort. When I was being assessed for this treatment I was asked what I wanted to achieve and I said that the most important thing for me was to get my life back. Achieving this will be difficult because I know that I can't have many of the things that I really crave. But learning to accept this, finding ways to cope with it, and emerging out the other side as a functional human being, which I haven't really been for about the last five years or so, is beginning to look like something that may be possible.

There is no doubt that the psychotherapy is helping, but so is writing this blog. Having lost my Internet connection last week, and having to wait for at least another week before I can get it back, has meant that I have not been able to write as things occurred to me, or when I needed to write to get things off my chest. Thankfully, this morning I have been able to book a computer in the local library for nearly three hours, and this has enabled me to get up to date with my emails and with reading posts from my favourite bloggers, and I have had enough time to sit down and write this. It's just as well I can type quickly, and fairly accurately, so that I can post something that is more than just a few sentences in length. And being able to sit down and write this has taken my mind off what tomorow has to bring, even though I am writing about it, as my brain tries to compose, and control my typing, and carry out on-line editing as I go through it, and still leave me time to have a proper read through it, and publish it before the computer flashes a warning to me that I only have five minutes left and I should think about saving my work and logging out. I'm a woman, I can multi-task. Well, sometimes.

And it's only Thursday!