Sunday, 30 May 2010

Trying To Beat Depression

I had hoped that with the additional medication that I would have started to feel better by now. Yes, I am getting the sleep that I need, but my mood does not seem to be getting any better. I do have occasional short periods when I am actually able to feel that things are going well but they are interspersed with long periods when I continually question why I bother with carrying on living.

I have been concentrating on my knitting in the hope that will help me through this difficult period. Having decided to enter some designs in the I Knit design competition has given me a focus. I am not just following somebody else's pattern, I am trying to create my own. And it isn't easy.

I am not a naturally creative person. Yes, I am able to follow a pattern to make whatever I want. I can knit, crochet, do cross-stitch, embroider, sew my own clothes (although I haven't done that for some years), make cards, and scrapbook. Lots of things that might be called creative, but for me creative also means making something from scratch; not following a pattern or a guide.

Creating a few sock patterns has been a major challenge for me, and I have not found it easy. I know what I want to do but actually being able to translate that into a finished article has proven more difficult than I thought. I think that part of the reason for this is because I am unable to draw anything so that the result I produce is recognisable as what I was aiming for.

This has meant that I have had to create a number of drafts of the chart for the second of my sock designs. I have had to make the design much larger than I had originally intended for it to become obvious what is being represented. I have probably chosen to do the most difficult one first so I am hoping that the next three designs will be a little easier to draft and then knit.

This afternoon I have started to knit the design that I have been working on for the last three days. Even as I have been knitting it I have thought of a way in which I can give the pattern more impact. I am hoping that I will be able to do enough of this first sock today to be able to show whether the pattern is viable as an entry in the knitting design competition. If it is, then I shall finish the sock as quickly as I can and complete its pair so that I can move on to the next design. I am hoping to be able to enter six sock designs in the competition, and that is a fair bit of knitting, but I also want to enter a lace scarf and that is going to be a much harder item to complete as it requires much more knitting and a lot of concentration while doing that knitting. I also have to create the pattern for this scarf and that is going to have to be done as I am knitting the first half of the scarf. I have about seven weeks to do all this knitting and it is going to be quite a feat to be able to complete it all in time.

To do this means that I am going to have to set aside a period every day where I knit like there is no tomorrow and I am hoping that this will help me to get through the next few months and not have depression dictate how my days are spent.


Astrid said...

I'm not sure I've commented here before, but I've read your blog for a while. I want to let you know I feel sorry the medication isn't kicking in yet. I hope it will soon and you will be feeling better. Knitting seems like a good way of distracting your mind from the depressed thoughts. Good luck on the designs.

Jennifer, aka beautiful mind, complex life said...

Hi, I just came across your blog, and wanted to let you know that I understand your frustration with the medication not working effectively. It is so annoying when we try a new med or an increase in a med, and then nothing happens like it's supposed to. I hope that this is just a matter of time for you and it does start working soon. I admire your perseverence in continuing your sewing and writing amidst your depression. It's so hard to stay motivated during depression, but it can make you feel so much better if you can keep going on accomplishing small things. I have a hard time with that sometimes, but I try to work through it too. I hope you keep writing because people can learn a lot from your experiences.