Friday, 6 March 2009

Psychotherapy And Lunch

Friday, psychotherapy day, and I was awake long before dawn. For the last few days I haven't been able to stop sleeping, night or day, and yet last night sleep was something that was difficult to come by. But no matter, because I knew that today should be easy enough to get through.

As usual, my mind and tongue seemed to lack the ability to work together. I knew that I could, in fact I should, start the session by talking and yet it seemed so difficult to actually achieve. And then, after a super-human effort I managed it. I started to talk about how I was sorry that I hadn't had a session last Friday for it would have been nice to talk to someone about how my lecture had gone the day before.

Having got started, having made that extreme effort, the session seemed to go quite well. There were moments that were difficult, when tears flowed easily, when I had to admit to wanting things that I knew that I couldn't have, things that were impossible, but as we moved on and talked of other things the tears stopped and I started to feel almost calm. I talked about the adrenalin high that I experienced for about 48 hours after the lecture and seminar, and how my life seemed to tumble into the abyss again once this period was gone.

Talking about it this morning I realized just how disappointing it was not to have someone who I could talk to about the event immediately afterwards. Yes, I blogged about it, and you were kind and sent me lots of lovely comments, but it's just not the same as having someone there who you can talk to about it and who can ask you questions and who can feel the same sense of achievement as you have felt over the experience.

When the session was over I left the hospital to catch a bus; not home but into the centre of London. I was meeting Mr Smiley for lunch and just for a change he was early. Mr Smiley operates on a different time-scale to the rest of us; we call it Smiley Time. Lunch was great, and we had a long chat covering all sorts of things. All too soon it was time to leave and we went our separate ways.

It was only when I got home this afternoon that I realized that I have only spoken to three people this week. Loneliness is a terrible thing, and I know that I really must make an effort and get out more. Perhaps when the weather improves I might manage this. In the meantime, I will keep knitting and reading and find lots of other things to keep my mind active, and try to get out for a walk every day so that I can keep my body active too.

4 comments:

cb said...

At least the weather is beginning to show definite signs of spring-ness. I know that's not a great consolation..

catatonickid said...

Keeping active is tough but important. Can't afford not to, really though I for one would plenty like to just say 'stuff it' even on my best of days.

I can relate to that hurdle of starting to talk in therapy. I'm not sure why it's always this huge blank void I'm facing...

Even when I know what I want/need to say fear and such intercept me at the critical moment. But we do get over that mountain 'eh...again and again and again. Wish I knew why I'd built it so high ;)

Rev said...

I've been having the same problem lately... feeling very lonely yet not making much effort to change my surroundings to help fix it. But I eventually plan on becoming more active. Hopefully that will help (both of us). Nice blog!

HM said...

Little things in life that makes the difference, I always try to have something to look farwards to no matter how seemingly insignificant. Gets me through the day.