My life has been looking a little brighter over the last couple of weeks. I think it has been a combination of factors that have brought this about (a change in medication, psychotherapy helping me to discover myself, and writing this blog and the friends that I have made through it), but a simple telephone call has changed all that.
Yesterday evening I received a phone call from one of my friends in Corfu; she was enquiring when I would be arriving out there for my holiday as she knew I must be due any time in the next week or so. I normally celebrate my birthday in Corfu, and I have had a couple of really memorable birthday dinners there, for my 40th and 50th birthdays, but my birthday is also a few days before the anniversary of my husband's death, and for a number of reasons I won't be going to Corfu as usual.
I had been trying very hard not to think of the anniversaries that there are in the next couple of weeks but that has now been thwarted. As a result of these things being brought to the forefront, my mood has changed dramatically, and so have my emotions. I can feel myself falling into the hole that I had been painstakingly climbing out of and suddenly there seems to be nothing to make my life worthwhile.
Depression is a terrible thing for anyone to suffer from, but when you live on your own, with nobody to talk to, it can be frightening. I know that things will get better, but struggling through one day at a time is the only way that I can manage at the moment. They say that to lose your memories of things that have happened can be devastating, but sometimes I wish that I really could lose the memories that cause me so much pain.
1 comment:
You have posted such an eloquent form of words that has left me with no option but to comment. As you say, if you can acknowledge that change in emotion you are half way to start the climb out of the abyss you have unfortunately and sadly fallen into. You are stronger than you think and your ability to articulate how you actually feel shows others how best to cope with such a debilitating, but unseen, illness. Your posts to this blog are inspirational to others who can't articulate like you. Please take note. Anniversaries will always come and go and your ability to cope in the past has pulled you through that is what readers of your blog will want to see evidence of. With my love. xx
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