It's very quiet on the blogging front at the moment. Most of my favourite bloggers seem to be on holiday at the moment so I don't have anything to read on a regular basis. Never mind, I thought, I'll just write a few more to make up for them.
Some days my mind is in torment. I don't mean that I suffer from terrors; rather it is a case of my mind just whirling around constantly, moving from one thing to another, and never giving me the opportunity to rest. On days like these, I am often able to sit down and write very long posts without really having to think too much about what I want to say. The words just seem to flow from my fingers, although sometimes my fingers run away with themselves and the spelling leaves a lot to be desired. But I try to check everything before I publish each post and hopefully there aren't too many mistakes when the post hits the ether for the rest of the world to read.
On other occasions it is as much as I can do to string two or three words together into coherent sentences; on these days any post that I write is like to be short, or non-existent. These days seem to be less common but can be just as worrying as those when I am in torment.
Just occasionally I have 'normal' days. These are rare and are the days when I can sit down to study, write essays, and generally get up to date with my OU work. Hopefully, I am in what may be a short period of these 'normal' days and this afternoon I shall sit down to write an essay that will complete my latest assignment for my current OU course. I'm not to worried about how I do on this course as I am not planning to use it towards any present or future qualification, but being able to complete the assignments is important for me because suffering from severe depression as I do means that studying can be a very hit and miss affair which is very much dependent on how I am feeling at any particular time.
Once this assignment is completed and sent to my tutor I shall begin work on the next assignment. I shall start work on the essay that forms the major part of the assignment as I have already done all the necessary reading, and made copious notes for the essay. But my problem at the moment is actually being able to sit down and write something meaningful and relevant. It sounds silly when I can sit here day after day writing posts without really having to think about it, on all manner of subjects, that I am having so much of a problem writing 1000 words about what methods we employ and how we use our memory to remember things, such as lists of objects or instructions to get from point A to point B.
Depression can do funny things to your memory. Things that happened a day or two ago can be forgotten instantly, yet other events, some traumatic and others completely insignificant, can be recalled as though they were yesterday, when they actually occurred 10 or 30 years ago. But tomorrow it may be completely different. It is the recent things that will be crystal clear while memories from the distant past are hard to recall.
So, I shall leave the library now, walk along the road to the shops to pick up a couple of items that are necessary for everyday living, then walk home and attack the dreaded assignment again. With luck it will be finished quickly, and I will wonder why I had so much difficulty with it. Whatever happens, I will be glad to get it out of the way and be able to move on with my studying, after all I have a new course starting in a few weeks and I need to get this one out of the way before that starts.
Why on earth do I put myself through these agonies? Because the OU and my studies are one of the few things that have actually kept me alive for the last 10 years. And I hope that I can continue to afford the costs of studying in the future as maintaining my sanity is pretty important to me.
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