On Tenterhooks

I'm sitting at home waiting for it to be a reasonable time for me to set out to go to a medical educational establishment in London. It's not the first time that I have been there so I know how to find it, and the presentation that I am to give (three times) is one that I am very familiar with having delivered it a number of times over the last eight months. But familiarity with my subject does not stop me from being very nervous.

I have been booked to give these presentations since my first foray into talking to doctors about the benefits of patients having access to their medical records. It is not yet a year since a chance conversation with my GP led to him asking if I would be willing to talk about my experience with being able to access my medical records online, something that was pioneered by the GP practice that I am with. I described my feelings about that first experience here and here. Since then I have given several more presentations on the subject, and I even feature as a voice over on an online demonstration of what I, as a patient, can see on my medical records and the benefits that can accrue from this.

For those readers who may not have read all my previous posts, I should say at this point that giving presentations at large international conferences was something that I did regularly when I was working. And the delegates at those conferences could be pretty difficult to deal with as it was possible that I was saying things that went totally against their beliefs in the subject areas that I dealt with. But familiarity with my subjects and confidence in my analysis meant that I could deal with hostile questioning without hesitation. However, the severe depression that I suffered from, and which caused me to have to take early retirement on medical grounds, has left me with a complete lack of confidence in myself and I was very nervous about speaking in public again even though my GP reassured me that the audience of doctors would be kind to me.

On the first occasion that I gave the presentation everything that could go wrong, did. It was planned that I would do the presentation using the live system to show how easy it was to use. Unfortunately, between setting everything up for the demonstration and actually having to stand up in front of the audience of doctors, the server at my GP's surgery went down, so no live records, and it became necessary for me to make the presentation using screen shots of the system which I had only seen once and the order of which I was not altogether certain.

Since then I have developed a PowerPoint presentation that allows me to give the presentation tailored to the audience and time available to me. There are nice transitions between the slides, and some nice refinements that have been built in as a result of the sort of questions that the presentation generally elicits. I am familiar with the order of the slides, I know what I have to say about each of them, and I have a slide at the end which sums up the benefits to the patient that such access allows. I know from experience that doctors are a nice audience to make a presentation to and they are especially appreciative of the opportunity to hear the patient's view on the subject.

Yet, I still have butterflies the size of pterodactyls blundering their way about my stomach and an attack of the shakes that would make a withdrawing alcoholic look steady as a rock.

The End Of A Typical Summer's Day

The sun has shone for most of the day although there have been clouds, some of them quite menacing in appearance, and the air has been heavy and humid. But that has all changed and we now have the end of a typical British summer's day even though it is still only early evening.

The sky is now a uniform dark grey, bordering on black, and it is so dark that lights are needed to see to do anything. The rain is pouring down and the sound of thunder rolling around.

Let us hope that the rain will clear the air and tomorrow will be a little fresher. I hope so, because tomorrow I want to do some work in the garden and I really hate it when it is humid.

World Knitting In Public Day

Today is world knitting in public day. Something that so many of us do in the privacy of our homes is being celebrated by being undertaken in public.

There are a many events being organized around the country and I am sure that many fellow knitters will be taking to public areas to knit in large groups. The knitters will undoubtedly be of all ages, and one hopes that a large number of male knitters will be joining in. And many of these events will be raising money for charity too.

I was hoping to be joining one of the events that is being held in London but as it involves a fair amount of walking from one location to another I am having second thoughts. I have had another sleepless night and as I am also suffering from sciatica (a problem I suffer from intermittently) and I am not sure that I could cope with all the walking.

So I am going to be thinking of all those knitters who are out and about today showing the world the pleasure that they get from this wonderful hobby. I'm sure that many new friendships will be formed and I hope that many people will be inspired to take up this hobby or to pick up their needles again after a long break.

While I won't be out there knitting in public, I will certainly be spending some of my day with knitting needles and wool and whiling away a few hours in a relaxing way.

Feeling Abandoned

It is now five weeks since my last psychotherapy session and I still cannot sleep properly on a Thursday night.

I understood the reason for my not sleeping when I was actually going to therapy; I often started to become anxious on a Wednesday and that feeling just increased as the hours passed and by Thursday night I was often in a real state. Sometimes I managed two or three hours sleep, sometimes none, before I had to get myself ready to go to catch the bus to the hospital.

I can perhaps understand why I continued to have problems sleeping on Thursday nights for a couple of weeks, but to still be suffering in this way is starting to concern me.

The problem seems to be with the way that the therapy terminated. There seemed to be no proper ending. The resulting feeling of abandonment seems to have left me in a permanently depressed state where I find it difficult to do anything meaningful.

I seem to manage to pull myself together sufficiently to make the presentations that I am asked to do occasionally, but the recent cancellation of one of these, and the cancellation of the summer course that I was to be lecturing on, seems to have made the feeling of abandonment worse. I'm back to crying for long periods of time, finding it difficult to do anything that requires more than a minimal amount of concentration, and wondering why I bother carrying on with life.

There And Back To See There And Back

Sorry to have taken so long to write about my day out with There and Back last Friday. I have no excuse other than that I really haven't felt like writing anything, but tonight I am forcing myself to write a few words.

My train left Waterloo on time and I arrived at my destination just a minute late. The arrangement was that I would meet There and Back at the station. She had a doctor's appointment and hoped that she would arrive at the station in time for the arrival of my train. We exchanged a number of text messages while I was on the train and I knew that she would probably arrive at the station a couple of minutes after my train arrived, and that is exactly what happened.

I saw There and Back walking towards me as I stood near the station entrance so I started to walk away from the station to meet her. And when we actually met there was a minute or two where we just stood there hugging each other and saying how lovely it was to see each other again. We had already decided in our daily emails that we weren't going to do anything too exciting, but rather just take the opportunity to sit and chat about whatever crossed our minds.

So, we headed off for a coffee for me and hot chocolate for There and Back. While we were drinking and talking I gave There and Back a few little presents. There wasn't anything really special, just a few bits and pieces that I thought she might like. I gave her Hat No 1 (well a girl really doesn't need three hats that are similar), a small piece of rock with amethyst crystals embedded on it, a small coaster made from a slice of purple agate (purple is There and Back's favourite colour) and a really cute, baby diplodocus cuddly toy (it was only about 4 inches in length and really cute, and as a vegetarian dinosaur it was the perfect gift from the Natural History Museum for There and Back who is also a vegetarian).

Then we went to a department store so that I could buy some tapestry needles and once they were purchased, the pair of us went to another area of the shop to drool over the knitting wool. I have to feed my knitting habit and There and Back has become a real wool junkie since I bought her a book on crochet and a crochet hook for her birthday. After a bit more wandering while chatting away we headed for the shopping centre's food area and made our way to Pizza Hut for our lunch.

We found ourselves being taken to a table, our drinks order was taken and we opted for the lunch-time buffet. This meant that we could eat as much as we wanted of the pizzas, salads and pasta on the buffet, but more importantly take as long as we wanted over our lunch. And we did; both of us having two platefuls of pizza and salad. We finished off with a visit to the ice cream machine.

After lunch we went for a walk to the park and sat in the sun on a park bench for about an hour. At this point I gave There and Back the other present that I had for her; the afghan that I had made once I knew that I would be seeing her. She was thrilled with it and I knew that she would like the colours because she had commented on how much she liked the photograph of my afghan that I had posted on the blog when I was knitting it some months ago.

When the sun disappeared and it started to get a bit cold, we headed back to the coffee shop where we had enjoyed our drinks earlier in the day. We had the same drinks again and chatted some more before heading for the station so that I could catch my train home. After having spent something like five and a half hours in each other's company we parted with a big hug and a goodbye. We had both enjoyed the day and are looking forward to meeting again in the coming months; it will be in London next time with the probability of a visit to a matinee performance of one of the musicals that are on in London.

A Lovely Day

Just a quick post to let you know that I had a lovely day with There and Back. It was a long day with all the travelling but we both had a great time. I'll write a longer post tomorrow telling you about my awayday and what we got up to.

Raring To Go

I have been awake since dawn; mainly because I didn't sleep much last night. I am like a coiled spring, just waiting to be released. It will soon be time for me to get myself ready to leave the house and make my way to the bus stop to start on my long journey for my awayday.

It is absolutely ridiculous, but I feel like a five-year old waiting to go on their first school trip.

There is no evidence of depression today; just a strange feeling of excitement and expectation. No sign of nervousness is apparent. I cannot believe that a woman of my age can feel like this.

Isn't it silly? Just because I am going to get on a train and go and see a friend that I haven't seen for a few months. And that opportunity to say 'Hi There and Back' and to give her a hug.

Awayday

I'm having an awayday tomorrow. Not a trip into London to visit a museum or another place of interest. No, this is an honest to goodness day away from home that necessitates me going to one of the London mainline stations and getting on a train to another part of the country.

My awayday has been planned for quite a few weeks now and I am really looking forward to it. I'm visiting a city that I haven't actually been to before, although I have visited some places that are not too far away from it. But I don't suppose that I will see much more than the railway station and a few shops because I expect most of my time in this city will be spent in a restaurant having lunch and talking with the person that I am going to see.

Although I correspond with this person on a daily basis, we have not seen each other in person since the beginning of November when we met under the clock at Waterloo. Yes, I am going to meet There and Back tomorrow, and it is she who will be the recipient of the afghan that I recently completed.

So, it will be an early night tonight, then an early rise so that I can get myself ready for my big day out. I'll let you know what we get up to and how There and Back is when I get home, and maybe I can persuade her to start blogging again.

Coals To Newcastle

I know, another post that mentions Newcastle, but as you all know the expression means taking or sending something to the area that it comes from. A couple of days ago I wrote about the post which had been read most often and today, as usual, it has been visited at least twice as a result of a Google search.

In case you are wondering why I should be linking 'coals to Newcastle' with my most read post, it's because, today, I have had a visitor from Lerwick in the Shetland Islands who Googled 'shetland haps'.

My Pet Hate

We all have pet hates; things that for us are intolerable. It could be a food item, it could be a type of clothing, it could be a television programme, it might be a person who we don't really know but for whom we develop a strong dislike. In my case it is an accent.

Yes, that's right, an accent; the way in which people from a particular part of the country speak. And the accent is ...

GEORDIE

Anyone who has known me for many years will see the irony of this pet hate. You see, my husband of more than 20 years was born at Wallsend, and lived the first 18 years of his life in the area of Newcastle-upon-Tyne. And always north of the Tyne, for that is where real Geordies come from (that's what he always used to tell me) not these southerners from Durham and South Shields who call themselves Geordies.

The Geordie accent can be very difficult to understand for those who do not come from the area. Understanding it has never been a problem for me so I can't give that as the reason for disliking it, but dislike it I do. Perhaps it is the sing-song quality to the accent that I don't like, but it is a fact that I will often turn off the television or radio if the person talking is a Geordie.

Just in case you are wondering why I have suddenly decided to tell you about my pet hate, it is tied in with something that I have been watching on BBC television over recent weeks and my annoyance about the way that programmes are shown, or perhaps it would be better to say the way they are repeated.

I have found that Sunday evenings have been packed with excellent programmes on BBC1 and BBc2 for the last four weeks, and I have been very grateful for BBC iPlayer which gives me the ability to watch these programmes again and to watch programmes that I couldn't watch when they were broadcast because of time clashes. The programmes in question have been South Pacific and The Incredible Human Journey on BBC2 and Inspector George Gently on BBC1.

I watch the BBC2 programmes when they are broadcast and then resort to BBC iPlayer for Inspector Gently. It is set in the north-east of England in the 1960s, and while most of the stories seem to relate to the Durham area or South Shields, the locals are referred to as Geordies. And while I will usually turn off the television or radio, as I have already said, at the merest hint of the accent, I have really enjoyed watching this series. Perhaps it was because it was tempered with Inspector Gently's London accent. I didn't see the first series of Inspector Gently (I'm not sure why, perhaps I just wasn't aware of it being on) but I have enjoyed watching the second series although I would have liked to have seen the first series because it would perhaps have explained a few things that I didn't understand about the two main characters. So I was very pleased to see that the programme that was going to be shown last night was from the first series, unfortunately it wasn't the first episode, but the second one.

Why on earth would the BBC put on the second episode of something without showing the first one, especially for something such as this series when it is likely that the first episode provided an introduction to the main characters? The answer is simple. There must be something big on next Sunday and they only wanted a filler programme for this week. And that is what it looks like for I see that the final for this year's 'Apprentice' is being shown next Sunday.

So I have had a taster of what had gone before, but only a taster, so I will have to add it to the items that I will be buying later from Amazon. I have to say that I have checked Amazon a couple of times just recently; originally in the hope of being able to buy some of the Inspector Gently books written by Alan Hunter, and latterly looking for the DVD. While I appreciate that these books will be somewhat dated now, I would have liked the opportunity to read at least some of the books, but few are available and then only in used copies. While I am not averse to buying used copies, the prices being charged for some were totally ridiculous.

So there you have it. A rambling post that started out with me talking about my pet hate, an accent, and finishes with me talking about an enjoyable television series that had most of the characters talking with that accent. Isn't life strange?