A Difficult Night

So I have spent a night at home. It was horrendous. Just about an hour of sleep and most of the night was spent crying, shaking and trying hard not to do anything too stupid.

I will shortly be going to the hospital again for Ward Round and I'm not sure how I am going to cope with it. I know that this was just a trial run at living on my own again, but I'm just not sure that I am ready yet. Those thoughts of suicide keep creeping into my mind and they are very difficult to shift. The fact that I can't concentrate on anything for more than a couple of minutes at a time means that I am still unable to stop the horrible thoughts invading and taking over my brain.

The problem is that today the policy is that mental illness should be treated in the community, but if you have no family and no developed support system, this can be very difficult to achieve. The change to my medication was only made on Monday and it really hasn't had a chance to kick in yet so I am left in the ridiculous situation of needing to spend more time in the hospital so that I can become more stable, but the probability that there won't be a bed for me when I say that I can't cope.

It is no wonder that so many people suffer from mental health problems for so long. Instead of being able to get well enough to be stable and able to cope with everyday life again in the atmosphere of a safe place, they end up being sent back home while still not well enough to look after themselves and thus more likely to need repeated admissions to hospital because they are never really well enough to have been turned out in the first place.