... slept all night and for most of the morning without having taken any medication to cause it to happen.
... finished knitting a sock that I started a couple of weeks ago; I still have to knit the other one to make a pair.
... started knitting a new shawl; it's circular in shape and will have 730 stitches to the row by the time that I have finished increasing.
... watched a few DVDs: Star Trek - The Motion Picture, Nanny McPhee, The Dam Busters and I shall watch another one before I go to bed.
... had my last day aged 54.
Monday, 31 August 2009
Sunday, 30 August 2009
It's A Job That I Really Hate
I've spent much of today working on the Flower Garden Shawl. Most of the squares are now joined to it (11 that still need to be added) but in most cases only joined by one or two sides. This means that there are still a lot of joins to be made.
In an email earlier today, There and Back asked me when she was going to get to see some photographs of the shawl now that it is starting to take shape. The problem is that it isn't really a pretty sight at the moment so I wasn't going to take photographs of it yet. But I thought, what the heck; you might as well see what the back of it looks like because it may be a while before I have done all the finishing bits so that the front can be photographed.
There are lots of ends still to be woven in or to be trimmed and still 11 squares to be joined onto the shawl. If things go well tonight I may be able to get all those things done, then I will only have to do the border crocheting to finish the shawl completely. The joining together and the weaving in of ends is a job that I really hate. If I could just do the knitting or crocheting I would be very happy, but at the end of each project there is the finishing off to be done and that can be a real pain, sometimes taking as long or longer than the creating part of the project. But, like they say about exercise, there's no gain without pain, and so it is with my handicrafts, unless I do the parts of the project that I hate they will never be finished.
Once it is completed I will have to get someone to take a photograph of me wearing the shawl so that it can be seen in all its glory.
In an email earlier today, There and Back asked me when she was going to get to see some photographs of the shawl now that it is starting to take shape. The problem is that it isn't really a pretty sight at the moment so I wasn't going to take photographs of it yet. But I thought, what the heck; you might as well see what the back of it looks like because it may be a while before I have done all the finishing bits so that the front can be photographed.
There are lots of ends still to be woven in or to be trimmed and still 11 squares to be joined onto the shawl. If things go well tonight I may be able to get all those things done, then I will only have to do the border crocheting to finish the shawl completely. The joining together and the weaving in of ends is a job that I really hate. If I could just do the knitting or crocheting I would be very happy, but at the end of each project there is the finishing off to be done and that can be a real pain, sometimes taking as long or longer than the creating part of the project. But, like they say about exercise, there's no gain without pain, and so it is with my handicrafts, unless I do the parts of the project that I hate they will never be finished.Once it is completed I will have to get someone to take a photograph of me wearing the shawl so that it can be seen in all its glory.
Saturday, 29 August 2009
A Boring Day, But I Survived It
Today seems to have disappeared without me actually achieving anything much. I woke at about 5.30am but knew that it was far too early to get up so managed to convince myself that I could get back to sleep again. I will admit that I took some medication to help me sleep last night so I knew that dropping off again was a real possibility.
I woke again about 10.30am, made myself some breakfast, got some bits and pieces out of the freezer to tide me over the weekend, and sat down to check my emails and read a few blogs.
Sleep was still something that I thought I needed but I knew that I needed to get the most important chores done first. Once they were out of the way, the rest of the day would be my own. My Saturdays are for relaxing, if at all possible, and I didn't really have the energy or the enthusiasm for anything too taxing.
The first exciting (or not) job that I gave myself today was to sort out the problem that I had with one of the scarves that I am knitting. I made a mistake a couple of days ago and it required me to unpick a few rows to put everything right again. So having unpicked about 10 rows stitch by stitch I eventually go back to where I had made the error and then reknitted some of those rows so that whenever I decide to do some more work on that particular scarf I know that everything will be okay with it.
The next job was to sort out the squares for the Flower Garden Shawl. I wrote last week about having made all 64 of the squares necessary for this shawl, but having completed them I realised that I probably had enough wool to add another complete row to the shawl so yesterday I decided to crochet another 21 squares, and because I now know the pattern by heart and can crochet each one in less that 15 minutes, it didn't take me long to create the extra squares and add them to the pile. This meant that this afternoon I could sit down with all 85 squares and do a little sorting out. Most of the squares are a combination of two or three different colours, but because of the way that the wool is dyed there was a tendency for a number of the squares to turn out to be completely gingery brown and it was important that these get spread around the shawl as much as possible so the first job was to pull out and place in a separate pile all of the ginger squares. Once that was done it was simply a case of selecting 13 squares and then joining them together in a V-shape so as to form the first row of the shawl. While selecting the squares took seconds, joining them was much slower but an hour or so later the job was finished.
Having completed the first row, I decided to select the 15 squares needed for the second row and then to lay them out alongside the completed first row to see how they could be put together. While doing all this, I was also half watching a DVD (Out of Africa). The problem was that I don't remember much of the film because after what was probably only about 15 minutes of it I dropped off to sleep and didn't wake up until about three hours had passed.
Since waking again I have done some more work on the shawl. More than half of the second row's squares have been joined to the first row, although they still need to be joined to each other. I have also had something to eat, and watched a programme on BBC iPlayer. I have read a few blogs, and I decided to sit down to write a little about my day.
I haven't achieved much today, but what I have achieved has all been good and worthwhile. Depression so often robs me of the ability to do even the simplest things that to achieve anything at all can seem like winning an Olympic medal. I've found myself crying at odd moments for no apparent reason, I have collapsed into sleep because my body needed it and for a moment my brain was still enough to allow it to happen, I have managed to force myself to eat some food at regular intervals through the day and made sure that I had plenty to drink, none of it alcoholic.
It might not be much, but I am quite happy with what I have managed to do today. It is living one day at a time that has enabled me to get through the last 11 years and it is what will hopefully keep me going for a long time yet.
I woke again about 10.30am, made myself some breakfast, got some bits and pieces out of the freezer to tide me over the weekend, and sat down to check my emails and read a few blogs.
Sleep was still something that I thought I needed but I knew that I needed to get the most important chores done first. Once they were out of the way, the rest of the day would be my own. My Saturdays are for relaxing, if at all possible, and I didn't really have the energy or the enthusiasm for anything too taxing.
The first exciting (or not) job that I gave myself today was to sort out the problem that I had with one of the scarves that I am knitting. I made a mistake a couple of days ago and it required me to unpick a few rows to put everything right again. So having unpicked about 10 rows stitch by stitch I eventually go back to where I had made the error and then reknitted some of those rows so that whenever I decide to do some more work on that particular scarf I know that everything will be okay with it.
The next job was to sort out the squares for the Flower Garden Shawl. I wrote last week about having made all 64 of the squares necessary for this shawl, but having completed them I realised that I probably had enough wool to add another complete row to the shawl so yesterday I decided to crochet another 21 squares, and because I now know the pattern by heart and can crochet each one in less that 15 minutes, it didn't take me long to create the extra squares and add them to the pile. This meant that this afternoon I could sit down with all 85 squares and do a little sorting out. Most of the squares are a combination of two or three different colours, but because of the way that the wool is dyed there was a tendency for a number of the squares to turn out to be completely gingery brown and it was important that these get spread around the shawl as much as possible so the first job was to pull out and place in a separate pile all of the ginger squares. Once that was done it was simply a case of selecting 13 squares and then joining them together in a V-shape so as to form the first row of the shawl. While selecting the squares took seconds, joining them was much slower but an hour or so later the job was finished.
Having completed the first row, I decided to select the 15 squares needed for the second row and then to lay them out alongside the completed first row to see how they could be put together. While doing all this, I was also half watching a DVD (Out of Africa). The problem was that I don't remember much of the film because after what was probably only about 15 minutes of it I dropped off to sleep and didn't wake up until about three hours had passed.
Since waking again I have done some more work on the shawl. More than half of the second row's squares have been joined to the first row, although they still need to be joined to each other. I have also had something to eat, and watched a programme on BBC iPlayer. I have read a few blogs, and I decided to sit down to write a little about my day.
I haven't achieved much today, but what I have achieved has all been good and worthwhile. Depression so often robs me of the ability to do even the simplest things that to achieve anything at all can seem like winning an Olympic medal. I've found myself crying at odd moments for no apparent reason, I have collapsed into sleep because my body needed it and for a moment my brain was still enough to allow it to happen, I have managed to force myself to eat some food at regular intervals through the day and made sure that I had plenty to drink, none of it alcoholic.
It might not be much, but I am quite happy with what I have managed to do today. It is living one day at a time that has enabled me to get through the last 11 years and it is what will hopefully keep me going for a long time yet.
Friday, 28 August 2009
Off To The Doctor's
It was off to see my GP for my monthly mood check this morning. I know that it was only last Friday that I saw a doctor, but that wasn't to see my usual one who does my monthly checks and makes sure that I am not getting suicidal.
We talked about how this is a difficult time of year for me and what I was doing to try to cope with the depression. I talked about living one day at a time and how even the lovely day that I have planned for next Wednesday isn't helping very much at the moment. I am sure that when Wednesday arrives I shall be much better. Spending time with There and Back is always great and we have the added bonus of our visit to the theatre to enjoy.
We also talked about the sore area that I have on my nose, which was one of the main reasons why I had to make an appointment to see one of the doctors last Friday. It has been there for almost a month now, is getting no better, is still very sore and wearing my glasses is very painful. My regular GP is a bit worried about it, so he has referred me to see a dermatologist under the 'two-week rule'. I think it is the fact that the area has a different texture to the other side of my nose that is ringing alarm bells.
It is so nice to be able to have the continuity of care that I have. By seeing the same doctor each time, I don't have to constantly repeat all of the things that I have been through that have caused me to suffer so severely from depression and it makes it easy for a good record of how the depression gets bad and then improves to be maintained. The problem is that to most people who know me I am able to present a 'face' that seems to indicate that all is well. Very few people can see beyond that 'face' and dip into the turmoil that is in my mind.
Since I have been back home from the appointment, the wind has become very gusty. The curtains in the rooms with open windows are being blown all over the place and we have already had one torrential downpour although the sun is doing its best to shine at the moment.
Of course, it is a Bank Holiday weekend so we must expect some pretty awful weather. This is Britain after all
We talked about how this is a difficult time of year for me and what I was doing to try to cope with the depression. I talked about living one day at a time and how even the lovely day that I have planned for next Wednesday isn't helping very much at the moment. I am sure that when Wednesday arrives I shall be much better. Spending time with There and Back is always great and we have the added bonus of our visit to the theatre to enjoy.
We also talked about the sore area that I have on my nose, which was one of the main reasons why I had to make an appointment to see one of the doctors last Friday. It has been there for almost a month now, is getting no better, is still very sore and wearing my glasses is very painful. My regular GP is a bit worried about it, so he has referred me to see a dermatologist under the 'two-week rule'. I think it is the fact that the area has a different texture to the other side of my nose that is ringing alarm bells.
It is so nice to be able to have the continuity of care that I have. By seeing the same doctor each time, I don't have to constantly repeat all of the things that I have been through that have caused me to suffer so severely from depression and it makes it easy for a good record of how the depression gets bad and then improves to be maintained. The problem is that to most people who know me I am able to present a 'face' that seems to indicate that all is well. Very few people can see beyond that 'face' and dip into the turmoil that is in my mind.
Since I have been back home from the appointment, the wind has become very gusty. The curtains in the rooms with open windows are being blown all over the place and we have already had one torrential downpour although the sun is doing its best to shine at the moment.
Of course, it is a Bank Holiday weekend so we must expect some pretty awful weather. This is Britain after all
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
A Rough Time Of It
I'm finding things really difficult at the moment. Depression is taking it out of me. Although I am managing to get some sleep without the need to revert to drugs, it is not good sleep so I am waking each morning feeling pretty awful.
I just want the next couple of weeks to pass so that I can try to get on with my life again. It's hard summoning up the enthusiasm and the energy to do anything other than to sit around and today I couldn't even face leaving the house.
Concentration is something that I can't manage for more than a few minutes so reading a book has become a nightmare. I keep reading the same page over and over again and I still don't know what I have read.
Sometimes I hate my life so much I wonder why I carry on.
I just want the next couple of weeks to pass so that I can try to get on with my life again. It's hard summoning up the enthusiasm and the energy to do anything other than to sit around and today I couldn't even face leaving the house.
Concentration is something that I can't manage for more than a few minutes so reading a book has become a nightmare. I keep reading the same page over and over again and I still don't know what I have read.
Sometimes I hate my life so much I wonder why I carry on.
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
When I've Done 64
Well, I have. So now I have got to do a job that I really hate doing and that is darning in all the ends.
The real fun and games will begin when I start to decide on a layout for the squares so that I avoid putting squares of similar colours too close together.
This shawl is coming together nicely.
The real fun and games will begin when I start to decide on a layout for the squares so that I avoid putting squares of similar colours too close together.
This shawl is coming together nicely.
Monday, 24 August 2009
It's A Square World
It started with one square
then there were five squares, and I have been adding to the number each day so that now I am working on the 35th one. They're not your usual 'granny' squares as they have the appearance of containing flower petals so it was obvious that the shawl pattern that I am following should be called the 'Flower Garden Shawl'.
I have to make 64 squares in all, and they will each be different because of the way that the wool that I am using changes colour. The colour changes are not the same in each ball adding to multicolour effect. Once I have crocheted all 64, I will have to darn in the ends, block each one so that it is square (no matter how hard you try you can never get them even when you are working them) and once blocked they will have to be crocheted together.
The finishing touch is a few rounds of crochet around the complete shawl. I am sure that it will look lovely and will certainly keep me warm on those cold winter days.
then there were five squares, and I have been adding to the number each day so that now I am working on the 35th one. They're not your usual 'granny' squares as they have the appearance of containing flower petals so it was obvious that the shawl pattern that I am following should be called the 'Flower Garden Shawl'.
I have to make 64 squares in all, and they will each be different because of the way that the wool that I am using changes colour. The colour changes are not the same in each ball adding to multicolour effect. Once I have crocheted all 64, I will have to darn in the ends, block each one so that it is square (no matter how hard you try you can never get them even when you are working them) and once blocked they will have to be crocheted together.The finishing touch is a few rounds of crochet around the complete shawl. I am sure that it will look lovely and will certainly keep me warm on those cold winter days.
Sunday, 23 August 2009
Another Night Of Sleep
I managed another mammoth sleep last night. Well, to be precise from the early hours of the morning until lunch time, but I feel a bit more human again after sleeping so well on consecutive nights.
I still feel depressed, but I know that eventually that will pass. So today I have dabbled in a little bit of knitting, a little bit of crocheting, and a lot of time spent trying to keep my eyes open so that I don't drop off to sleep again.
In about an hour's time I shall take myself off to bed and try to get to sleep naturally; that is without the aid of medication. It may happen, it may not, but I do know that even if I don't sleep the whole night through I won't be feeling as bad as I did on Friday morning.
I still feel depressed, but I know that eventually that will pass. So today I have dabbled in a little bit of knitting, a little bit of crocheting, and a lot of time spent trying to keep my eyes open so that I don't drop off to sleep again.
In about an hour's time I shall take myself off to bed and try to get to sleep naturally; that is without the aid of medication. It may happen, it may not, but I do know that even if I don't sleep the whole night through I won't be feeling as bad as I did on Friday morning.
Saturday, 22 August 2009
Sleeping For England
After more than a week with little or no sleep at night, yesterday evening I took the medication that I got from my GP went to bed at about 7.30pm and was asleep very quickly. I slept through the night, except for a couple of calls of nature, and I slept through the morning and eventually woke up about half an hour ago.
I am still very sleepy from the tablets, and I am definitely not in a fit state to drive or operate machinery, but I shall get myself something to eat, sort out a DVD to watch, and have an afternoon with my knitting.
I hate it when depression robs me of the ability to sleep. I can usually continue to operate in a normal way for a week or so before I know that I have to resort to some sort of medication to help me. The problem with the additional medication is that it robs me of the ability to do anything meaningful for the first few days that I take it. I remain woozy for hours after I have woken up and nothing is very easy to achieve, even the simplest task.
The next couple of weeks are undoubtedly going to be difficult for me. I shall continue to do whatever I can to maintain a normal life (or what passes for normal for me) and try to ensure that I eat something everyday and sleep at least for a few hours every night. I know that this horrible darkness will pass and I will survive to come out the other side. After all, I have done it so many times over the last 11 years.
I am still very sleepy from the tablets, and I am definitely not in a fit state to drive or operate machinery, but I shall get myself something to eat, sort out a DVD to watch, and have an afternoon with my knitting.
I hate it when depression robs me of the ability to sleep. I can usually continue to operate in a normal way for a week or so before I know that I have to resort to some sort of medication to help me. The problem with the additional medication is that it robs me of the ability to do anything meaningful for the first few days that I take it. I remain woozy for hours after I have woken up and nothing is very easy to achieve, even the simplest task.
The next couple of weeks are undoubtedly going to be difficult for me. I shall continue to do whatever I can to maintain a normal life (or what passes for normal for me) and try to ensure that I eat something everyday and sleep at least for a few hours every night. I know that this horrible darkness will pass and I will survive to come out the other side. After all, I have done it so many times over the last 11 years.
Friday, 21 August 2009
What A Relief
I have spent all of this morning in GP's surgeries. First thing this morning I went to my GP's surgery to see if I could get an appointment to see a doctor because I had a very sore area on my nose exactly where one of the nose pads on my glasses sits. I was lucky and managed to get an early appointment that fitted in well with my other task of the day, going back to the GP's surgery where I had been fitted with the ambulatory blood pressure monitor.
I found that I coped pretty well with the machine operating every half hour yesterday. The bleep would alert me that a reading was about to be taken so that I could stop what I was doing and make sure that my arm was still when it was being taken. At 10pm hourly readings started to be taken. The change in timings is because normally at night you do not experience the wide fluctuations that you do during the day, and it is also so that you stand the chance of getting some sleep.
Unfortunately, I have been have a bad week and sleep has not been easy. I am heading towards what is for me probably the most difficult week of the year. It is the week that includes my birthday followed a few days later the anniversary of my husband's death. Even though I have a nice treat (my trip to the theatre with There and Back) programmed into this period, and a day at the Department of Health talking about the benefits of patients having access to their medical records, and in particular for this seminar their pathology results, without consciously thinking about the two difficult dates, my mood has slumped and I am experiencing a severe depressive period. Last night I didn't manage a minute of sleep, although I did lie down and tried to relax as best that I could so as to not slew the blood pressure readings too much.
So after a sleepless night, and with a nose that is so sore that wearing my glasses is almost impossible even though I am blind as a bat without them, I went to my GP's surgery and got a prescription for an antibiotic cream for what appears to be an infection in the skin on my nose and another for some anti-depressants that have a sedative effect to be taken at night (I normally have some at home but I used the last of them up a few weeks ago and I am now so desperate for sleep that I had to get some more) in addition to the others that I take each morning.
After seeing my GP, it was off to the chemist to get the prescriptions filled, and then of to the bus stop to get the first of the buses that I needed to catch to get to the surgery where I had been fitted with the blood pressure monitor so that I could return it for the readings to be downloaded. I was lucky because I didn't have to wait long for either of the buses, and the final reading was taken shortly after I had got off the bus and was walking down the road to the surgery. Five minutes after the last reading, I managed to disentangle myself from the arm cuff, the belt holding the monitor itself, and what seemed like miles of rubber tubing that connected the two together, and then hand it back in at reception.
What a relief to have that thing off my arm. Almost two hours later the marks from the cuff are starting to disappear and I am getting full feeling back in my left arm. Now I have to wait for the results to arrive at my GP's surgery so that we can look at the results and see whether I do indeed have a problem with steadily rising blood pressure, whether my very high pulse rate is a regular occurrence or just an occasional thing, and decisions can be made about what treatment, if any, is necessary.
And I may have a nap this afternoon.
I found that I coped pretty well with the machine operating every half hour yesterday. The bleep would alert me that a reading was about to be taken so that I could stop what I was doing and make sure that my arm was still when it was being taken. At 10pm hourly readings started to be taken. The change in timings is because normally at night you do not experience the wide fluctuations that you do during the day, and it is also so that you stand the chance of getting some sleep.
Unfortunately, I have been have a bad week and sleep has not been easy. I am heading towards what is for me probably the most difficult week of the year. It is the week that includes my birthday followed a few days later the anniversary of my husband's death. Even though I have a nice treat (my trip to the theatre with There and Back) programmed into this period, and a day at the Department of Health talking about the benefits of patients having access to their medical records, and in particular for this seminar their pathology results, without consciously thinking about the two difficult dates, my mood has slumped and I am experiencing a severe depressive period. Last night I didn't manage a minute of sleep, although I did lie down and tried to relax as best that I could so as to not slew the blood pressure readings too much.
So after a sleepless night, and with a nose that is so sore that wearing my glasses is almost impossible even though I am blind as a bat without them, I went to my GP's surgery and got a prescription for an antibiotic cream for what appears to be an infection in the skin on my nose and another for some anti-depressants that have a sedative effect to be taken at night (I normally have some at home but I used the last of them up a few weeks ago and I am now so desperate for sleep that I had to get some more) in addition to the others that I take each morning.
After seeing my GP, it was off to the chemist to get the prescriptions filled, and then of to the bus stop to get the first of the buses that I needed to catch to get to the surgery where I had been fitted with the blood pressure monitor so that I could return it for the readings to be downloaded. I was lucky because I didn't have to wait long for either of the buses, and the final reading was taken shortly after I had got off the bus and was walking down the road to the surgery. Five minutes after the last reading, I managed to disentangle myself from the arm cuff, the belt holding the monitor itself, and what seemed like miles of rubber tubing that connected the two together, and then hand it back in at reception.
What a relief to have that thing off my arm. Almost two hours later the marks from the cuff are starting to disappear and I am getting full feeling back in my left arm. Now I have to wait for the results to arrive at my GP's surgery so that we can look at the results and see whether I do indeed have a problem with steadily rising blood pressure, whether my very high pulse rate is a regular occurrence or just an occasional thing, and decisions can be made about what treatment, if any, is necessary.
And I may have a nap this afternoon.
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